I can't talk about peri-menopause with my partner.

We have a system in our house, as both of us are quite forgetful. If my husband has made himself sandwiches the night before, he will leave a note on the kitchen table - take LUNCH out of fridge. Why did your husband give you the responsibility of the ham for HIS lunch? Its almost like he set you up to fail. Tell him in future, you want your lunch , you sort it. I also set alarms on my phone for different thing, that seems to work.

But simultaneously blame us being justifiably pissed off about something on hormones.

I am now 47 and just can't remember everything people tell me. He wanted the gammon ham so should have reminded you himself. he must have realised it wasn't cooking as you can usually smell it. You may find that you are done with this relationship and yes he has been kind through an awful time for you but that doesn't mean you have to stay in this relationship. I have to write everything down

OP made it about peri when there is so much going on except for the entitled penis arse you mentioned, that’s not going on.

The majority of GPs (57%) in the UK are female.

He's a grown adult he could of cooked his own fking gammon its not rocket science !

I would have thought most men are not that understanding when it comes to any hormone related issues from puberty onwards, and even then it is often hard to discern if things are hormone related

I was the same. I once forgot something for a weekend away for my husband and he went on and on. I lost my head and was really upset. My mum said to him the menopause really takes its toll on women and he needs to be more understanding and generally she wouldn't get involved if we have a disagreement.
Ive got HRT patches now and theyve massively helped me. And I write notes for myself frequently. Maybe a trip to the GP would be beneficial for you too

Well said…. This is exactly it. Her man sounds a drip!

I know. I am speechless that so many people are making this about perimenopause (when we don’t even know it’s perimenopause) when its really about an entitled arse of a man whose penis prevents him from putting a ham in the oven.

Menopause is not automatically the source of all women’s problems all the time and all the hysteria about it is honestly damaging some people’s critical thinking skills.

I was making it about ableism actually. Your exact words: "It's perimenopause, not dementia." And? Yes, people's memories can be that shit without dementia. HTH.

I believe her memory is bad, but there are coping mechanisms. You are not the OP. Stop making this about you.

But still, comparing it to dementia is wrong, I'm not actually comparing it to a disability. You were comparing it to dementia. She has a terrible memory. I've had family members say similar things about my memory, and it's trivialising and really saying that you don't believe the person saying that their memory is that bad.

Sorry you feel that way. It wasn’t intended that way, but it isn’t comparable to a disability as she hasn’t got one, to my knowledge anyway.

For me, forgetting things was the first sign that something was wrong but it didn't dawn on me for a while - why would it, I didn't know about peri. I made 3 appointments at the hairdressers - the first one I missed so I made another one, then I forgot that one and had to make another but I wasn't feeling or functioning any different. A few years before that the same hairdresser had been telling me all about her struggles with peri but because I was younger I didn't have a clue why peri would cause things like she described. I came out thinking she'd lost the plot, but again it wasn't something I'd heard of before.

Since then all sorts of horrid things have happened - peri is the worst thing I've ever experienced and I've had no control over any of it.

I tracked my periods for years, they were always regular & lasted 4 days until I started to miss some months here and there, still I didn't realise.

Years later I learned to laugh at the stupid things I did - like not being able to get out of the bath, going in a shop for 4 items and coming out with 3, going back in and coming back out cos I'd forgotten what i'd gone in for. The list is endless - it's upsetting and soul destroying. Everyone around me had to adjust, it was horrible but I couldn't help it, neither can you.

Pen & paper, phone are my 3 best friends. As soon as I think about something I write it down otherwise I forget, everytime someone says anything that involves me I write it down.

It was you saying "it's perimenopause, not dementia" which I found ableist. As if dementia is the only reason someone's memory could be that bad.

He didn’t remind you, although perhaps might have been better if you had said, I’d rather not agree as I’ll likely forget. I’d never agree to something like that…

If you have got flashes why not get HRT from the GP? So I think you are being a bit unreasonable not to get help..

Yes there is.

Op said she has been unable to work for 8 years due to her physical health and mental health and still has issues from then but in a much better place and is now trying to return to work.

If I could remember what the question was I'd give you my opinion, ha.

Diagnosed or not, you said you'd forget and as you said it's not your waking thought. He should of reminded you if he remembered. I'm fifty, constantly forgetting things, and getting words in a muddle. I said to my mum I'm glad it's a symptom of menopause as thought maybe I had dementia.

Perimenomause brain fog is literally the reason I have to put everything into my calendar, set alarms for tasks, and write down lists of everything we need. Because if I don't I will forget. I would say I have a memory like a goldfish, but research has shown their recall is appreciably longer than my own.

Also sorry to read about the awful grief you are both going through. It sounds like you both have a lot going on potentially physically and mentally and you are both exhausted. Even if you do nothing else it might be worth you contacting something like talkworks who help you identify your stress levels, triggers and how to manage them etc. X

This.

Hi
(South west UK based here)
I went to the doctor and they said they don't really test for peri menopause (I'm mid-late 30s) so may be different at a later date. However they said if happy I could try different contraceptive things e.g the pill to see if it manages symptoms. In addition to that I needed blood tests as I am awaiting a bone density scan and the blood test said I had low thyroid hormone. So it could be worth you talking to GP about perimenopause but also blood test for thyroid hormone level (and or anything else that could have similar symptoms). Hope that helps. Also I think it would be worth sitting down with your partner and both just taking accountability, let him know how you feel and vice versa, sounds like there might be apologies owed on both sides too. Sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise and talking about these things is so important. X

OP, your husband can and should do better. Mine found me a female private doctor to chat through my peri symptoms, and I had my blood drawn during the consult. They'll get a full hormone panel so we can see if there is anything else going on. Tell him to put his hand in his pocket and help you. It cost £180 for the testing and consult. You don't need to suffer. Perhaps then you might be less foggy and might want to do a nice thing for him, ie cook his ham for the football. But not when you feel like this. Hang on in there.

There is no mention of the OP being autistic or anything other than perimenopausal, which isn’t a disability, so the two aren’t remotely similar or comparable I don’t think.