To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

Is this kind, helpful or true?

I don't think that there is any way that someone in this situationcan be happy and confident in a decision in theses circs. I think the best option to hope for is to feel at peace with it.

I sat with my mum when on palliative care and she knew I was there holding her hand and she wasn’t alone, I accept your circumstances are different , it’s your choice and as long as you know you won’t regret it then you don’t need to justify it to anyone.

Do whatever you feel most comfortable with. My only concern is that you have lined up a lot of reasons for not going over as if you're trying to convince yourself you are doing the right thing. Whatever you decide be happy and confident with that decision, please don't have any regrets after, not going is ok, be kind to yourself.

Lots of people report that their relatives waited to be alone before finally dying. It’s really common, like they want privacy to do it.

DF passed overnight, a bit quicker than expected as the doctors said there was nothing they could do but he had a few days - I think he just decided that was that and went. He’d only been in hospital 24 hours and I think he didn’t want to be there any longer than necessary, he hated hospital stays. 6 hours before he went he was sitting up in bed with a mug of tea issuing instructions to me on looking after mum. The ward tried to ring us but we missed the calls - a nurse sat with him and said it was very peaceful and that gave us a lot of comfort.

it obviously depends on the hospital and ward but I get the impression that dying patients are monitored frequently by staff even if they can’t spare someone to sit with them all the time. There’s no right or wrong in this situation, no one is going to judge you. Do what you feel is best - you will need to pace yourself for the coming weeks.

But I can't really go into work on Monday and say, 'oh he isn't dead yet, but I've come back as didn't want to sit with him anymore.' I'd look like a fraud. But what could I say?

You don’t need to justify yourself but if you want to explain……”they’ve told us he could go at any time, or he might last another month. My mum or the nurses will call me if he deteriorates”.

By the way, I wouldn’t call visiting 2-3 times a year plus weekly phone calls ‘low contact’.

I have been at one relatives death I will avoid all others as much as possible. It was horrific gasping for breath terrified eyes wide open, remained terrified wide open on death. All this slipped away peacefully is not the case in every situation. Horrific absolutely horrific and not repeating.

The only thing you can ask yourself is whether you would regret not being there. And tbh only you can truly answer that

I was there with my mum, but she was my world. And I can hand on heart say it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. If you don’t have the best relationship with him then you might want to consider whether being there would be a positive - it might, it might not

If you are able and want to go into work on Monday you explain dad is still poorly, mum is with him and you need the distraction of work and will be visiting again in a few days.

Do what is right for you.

He won't be alone the nurses will be around checking him every so often. I would go home and come back when they say he is approaching death and your mum calls you.

I think you need to go home OP and make sure you are alright. You can't do anything for him and relationships being complicated adds an extra layer of grief. You shouldn't beat yourself into doing something you are struggling with in these circumstances.

Saying this as someone who camped out for a fortnight at DH's hospital bed when he was dying and moved not a muscle to go to my estranged mother when she went. I've never regretted either decision.

Sending you good wishes.

Id Stay if you can then. Once my dad had the driver is was basically game over. I sat with him and played music and told him he could go and we’d be fine. Once he heard that he slipped away.

My dad had bowel cancer and died in a nursing home. They lived in Yorkshire which was 250 miles from me. I had 2 young children at school and my husband and I both had jobs. I couldn’t have gone and sat with him if I wanted to. We went up shortly before he died and said our goodbyes to him but we then had to come back home until the funeral. My brothers are both childless and lived much closer than me so they supported mum and arranged the funeral. I did what I could and I don’t feel guilty about it. When Mum died I only went for the funeral and to help my brother start sorting her house out. Your mum will appreciate your support afterwards more and your Dad won’t know you are there. Look after yourself - you are important too.

I think this is a kind post.

He's looked after, even if someones not sitting with him he isn't alone, he almost certainly has no idea if someone is with him or not and certainly not who it is thats with him.

I didn't sit with my Mum after her life support was switched off and she passed, I already have enough traumatic memories, she was well out of it and was before we found her, so I didn't really fancy adding any more. I'd already said my goodbyes.

Do whats right for you, your mental health and your immediate family.

It sounds like you have said goodbye and done what you need to OP. No one can say what you should do or feel.

I don’t think think it will be long - a few days perhaps but he will be kept clean warm dry and pain free by the nurses ( and won’t know) who is there or not.

Do what feels right for you . It doesn’t sounds like that is being at your mum’s house. You will grieve for the relationship that you should have had if he had been a better dad/ human being . Be kind to yourself

I reported it.

Honestly, it could be much longer than you think. Even without food or water. It's very very unpredictable. Might be fast, might take a surprisingly long time.

In your position, I would go home and stay home. You have said your goodbyes. He is not really "there" any more. He has round-the-clock care. And, as previous posters have pointed out, when he does go then it's likely to be in the middle of the night.

Was any of that post necessary or helpful? My god.

My FIL and MIL both died in hospital recently and whilst we visited them both as often as we could, and my husband went every evening for 3 or 4 hours, they both died in the early hours when no-one was there.

I chose not to see my dad at the very end. He was out of it on morphine and that wasn't how I wanted to remember him. My DSis wanted to sit with him. Neither of us regretted our individual decisions. Again, he died when there was no-one there.

Do what feels most appropriate for you.

You can do whatever you want, OP. There is nothing wrong with dying alone - surely that's what most of us would want? And, nurses will tell you, many patients do actually die when family members have briefly left the room.
He has medical care and attention - presumably pain relief- which is all that matters.

Can you take lots of breaks throughout the day. Could your mum come so you are together and supporting each other. You don’t have to stay at your parents house. If your teen/animals need you go home. You can always drive back if you change your mind. I would take a day at a time. Even if you are not at the hospital you don’t have to go to work. You can still grieve/be upset in your own way even with a complicated relationship. Take care op.

How is his breathing OP? Both my parents had the telltale rattle in the hours before they passed. Ans yes they both waited until we’d all gone home for a break before quietly slipping away. Have you had a chat with any staff to see what they think and if they’re planning to move him to a side room etc?