To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

It’s your choice, no one else can decide for you, just don’t do something that you end up regretting later on

I'm an ex care assistant and I've been there for so many deaths. I can't think of one where the resident had passed away with a family member there. Many of them had family members sit with them for 95% of the day and night, but they would always wait until they was on their own to pass. I know it sounds really strange but I don't think they want their loved ones to see it.

If you were to try and be there you could almost guarantee he would pass when you just "popped out" and you would guilt yourself.

Please be kind to yourself, you have said good bye and he knows you've been there for him.

This is what I would do. It is what I and my siblings did when my dad died

For any medical staff on here. I assume you tell all relatives not present it was peaceful? I doubt you’d actually tell relatives the truth of what death can often be like?

I am sorry OP - the hardest situation. I have been with DGM, DM and DF - our relationships different from those you describe. I want to say regarding work - they sound great and please let them be! Do you have any flexibility to wfh at all? For DM I had to fly half-way across the world on a weekend and had to message work. They were terrific. As to whether you go to to the hospital. You. have and if that feels ok then that's ok. Please do what feels right for you and I will be thinking of you and your family. Wishing you all peace and strength x

Not awful at all, I would not judge you for going home. I suppose my question to myself would be whether I would come to regret my decision to leave. I was there when my Dad died, but only by chance, a few hours later and I wouldn't have been. You were low contact with your Dad for your own good reasons, and despite this you have still made an effort to spend time with him. There are often obituaries which state that someone died surrounded by their family, but others say that other people 'wait' until they are alone to die. If prioritizing your children is what you feel is right then do that. Its seems your Dad didn't for whatever reason prioritize you .

From my experience with both parents, it could be two days or two weeks. I'd check into a Premier Inn nearby and ask the hospital to call you if anything changes. Book a night at a time.

I was there when both my parents died (also had very difficult relationships with them both) and, if I'm totally honest, it didn't matter once they were sedated. It was "for me", not them. If they'd been in hospital (both wanted to be at home) I would have left overnight each night.

Hello OP, sorry to hear of your dad.

I feel death and how to deal with it is very personal. I had an amazing relationship with my dad and me and my mum stayed 8 days, 24 hours a day when he was end of life. We were both with him when he died as well as his brother. He was an anxious man and I feel he would have felt frightened at the prospect of dying alone. You have said you don’t think that’s the case with your dad. You have to do what is right for you. Sounds like the relationship wasn’t amazing anyway and as other posters have said. You could stay with him for days and then leave to get a coffee and he could died. I’m also medical so that helped with identifying signs death was imminent and allowed to to wake my mum who was sleeping for a couple of hours in an adjoining room (he was in his care home) and ring his brother to come back in (who had left for a shower). More recently my nan whom I was also very close to passed, I also stayed at her bedside for 3 days solid, I then left as this time there was no facilities for sleep and I felt truely unwell unsure if just sleep deprivation, and was also honestly a bit traumatised from the EOL process for my dad (also reasonably recent), I had only left for 20 minutes and as I pulled onto my drive my mum called to say Nan had passed. I had planned to return in a couple of hours after some sleep. So you can’t also judge it either. I didn’t see the imminent signs as with my dad. Do what is right for you, the process is very complex and arguably even more so when the relationship was poor. You don’t owe him any more because he is dying, even if your heart may tell you otherwise. If you don’t stay, don’t tell work. Just spend some time at home doing what you wouldn’t normally be able, if that’s a long lay in, reading a book all day on the sofa then so be it.

Be gentle with yourself. ❤️

This. No one at work will think badly of you. They will assume that other family members are taking turns to visit and that’s fine, you don’t have to give any details.

Usually people are tactful and will respect that it s a difficult time for you. If most of your colleagues are in their 40s and older, they will have been in a similar situation with a parent or GP.

I agree with those who say don’t stay in your mother’s house, get a cheap hotel or air BnB . I prefer air BnB as it’s easier and less stressful to buy in food and cook than deal with hotel meals. Especially of you are coming and going at odd times of the day and night .

I'm sorry you are in this situation. My Dad passed recently while in palliative care and we stayed with him at this stage (though our relationship was different to what you describe). He was also on a morphine driver. While he appeared unconscious towards the end he was still responsive to us being there and to music (squeezed hands). It was evident in his face when he was in pain or agitated so we were able to call the nurse to relieve that for him. He didn't last long after appearing unconscious but I do believe he was aware of our presence and he could hear us and the music. There is no right or wrong in these situations. Please do whatever feels right for you and your circumstances. Wishing your Dad a peaceful passing and sending you strength for the days ahead xx

Your choice but tbf really can’t be annoyed when folk diagnose others. They likely tried their best (and failed like us all in many respects). You’ve justified in your narrative the reasons you are not really that bothered, will do when it comes to it the absolute bare minimum and also that you hope he will not inconvenience you for more than a week. He’s the one dying so not really about you.

You say you're low contact with your dm but speak every week? I'd stay for her sake if not your df's.

Ask other family amd friends to help with pets and ds college transport and book a cheap travellodge. He's on a syringe driver, it won't be long.

Also you said "She has told me they're both not having a funeral which I suppose says a lot about how they view relationships". Me and dh aren't having funerals, I loathe the performance of them it's nothing to do with how I view relationships.

Sorry it's a difficult situation but I do think you need to be the better person and stat til he goes .

Doesn't sound like it's going to be long in fairness.

I was estranged from my dad when I got the call, I went to the hospital and stayed for 2 days while he died, he briefly responded to me when I walked in, then nothing after, after he died I left without really feeling anything.

It is entirely personal choice as to whether you want to stay or not, the thing that bothers me about people dying alone is that he (and my mum a few years previous) went through periods of seeming distressed (moaning, laboured breathing, frowning etc) if no one was there to go and call attention to it, I'm not sure how often they would be left in that state, every time I called someone they topped up his meds until he settled again.

You only need to do what is right for you, and to make sure you will be okay with your decisions afterwards.. don't spare a second thought as to what anyone else thinks and just do what YOU think is right.

Sorry that your dad is dying. If you have never had a close relationship I can understand not wanting to be the one there with him when he passes.

It’s not very clear from your post if you and your mum care about each other although you said you do speak on the phone. Is she also elderly in her 70s?

If you have a half decent relationship I would help tidy her house a little while you wait for the inevitable e.g. make sure you both have a clean bed and the shower is clean for you both. Obviously it depends on what your childhood was like. If you were provided with a clean bed and somewhere to wash etc

How would you feel if he died and you weren’t there or you saw him less and he died during a time you were supposed to be there?

I personally wouldn’t care.
Most people recognise that other people have lives and kids and it’s not possible to spend every minute with them.

I think how you treat someone during their life is way more important than the hours before they die.
So I will never feel guilty for not being there for someone if they died if I had a genuine reason and you do.

But if you think that you’ll have guilt then it’s worth considering.

Remember most people will hold on until their loved ones leave and then choose to let go.

Sending you support from someone whose parent's death followed a similar-sounding path. We had the whole family (in succession) there at one point or another during the last 48 hours or so but we couldn't stay overnight, which was when she finally died.
I felt bad that she was clearly alone and the staff were a bit shifty when we asked what time it had happened (as they clearly had no idea and only noticed when they entered her room for a routine something-or-other). But we decided to look at the broader picture - she had massive love and support at the important times and knew it.
Please don't feel guilty. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this.

Do what feels right and try not to worry about what you should do or what other people feel. It sounds as though you have a complicated relationship with both parents and that makes it even harder because what others deem you should do conflicts with your feelings.
I know for me I grieved that I would never have the chance of a ‘normal’ parent- child relationship as much (if not more) as I grieved for my parent.
Thinking of you and be kind to yourself.

That's fine, OP. You don't owe your mum or the nurses a show of 'normal' behaviour (especially as you don't have a 'normal' relationship with them - the quotes are not judgement, they're understanding, I v much get it).

If you're okay with it - and I would be - then give yourself permission to leave. If you need it from someone else, have permission from me.

OP, I think whatever you decide to do is the best thing here. There are no right answers. That being said, think about what practical support could help - whether asking friends/ teen/ your ex etc to feed the animals is an option, or staying in a hotel. And getting signed off work for a bit is an option you could take. Be gentle with yourself.

IME syringe driver comes in the last days so I don’t think you’ll be waiting around long OP, which is probably a blessing for both you and your dad. It’s such a sad situation and I’ve been there myself.

No one can give you a time span unfortunately. My bio dad had dementia & pneumonia & went on for a week or so which was really hard on my sister (I'm Somerset & she's Suffolk where he lived) My darling step dad caught covid during the second wave. He had a syringe driver fitted on the Wednesday & went early hours Friday morning (on my dsis 50th bday!) My fil was on one for 5 days. None of them was alone they passed but no one should judge if you can't stay. He knows you came to see him & now he's on a syringe driver he will feel comfortable. Whatever you choose, I send hugs 💐

Saw my dad day he died, but he was out of it. The day before he was with us, but couldn't speak much. He too lived many miles away. But the actual day, he had the stomach driver of pain killers and they just made him sleep and he passed away a couple hours after we left the hospital. Once people are knocked out that way I think there's not much point in being there other than for yourself if you need it.

OP, it's up to you what you want to do and there's no right or wrong, but look after yourself and go easy on you too.

I was very close to my DF and sat with him for days and all through the night until the day before he died. I had responsibilities at home - three DC still in school and DM with mobility issues unable to care for herself. I had a strong feeling that had my DF been able to discuss it with me - he was on a driver and completely unresponsive, he would have said that my responsibility lay with the living. Also I know he would not have wanted me sitting crying over him. So I went home on the Monday morning with the thought that I would go back the next morning. However the next morning came and a phone call from the hospital that he had passed away. I have never, ever felt guilty about not being with him. He worshipped my DM and would have wanted me to be with her, not with him.

OP, do what is right for you. Not your mum, not your dad, not for what 'work will think' - for you.

Only you had your childhood. Only you have grown up in the shadow of that and only you understand how you feel. If you don't want to be there, and don't think you will beat yourself up about it in the future, you do not have to be.

FWIW I was very close to both my parents - spoke most days - loved them very much. I 'missed' both their deaths. It wasn't what I wanted, but that's what happened. 'Death' is just a moment - you being there or not being there doesn't change the life and relationship you did or didn't have with each other.

You find your own path - I loved my father dearly and spent a lot of time with him in the months when he suddenly fell ill. On the night he passed away - I had left the hospital to go home and sleep an hour beforehand even though i knew he was likely to pass as he had had his final goodbyes and was no longer conscious or going to be. I've never felt regret for that. Similar happened with my grandfather (his father) - I was the only one with my father supporting him at the time and I took him for a walk whilst my grandfather passed rather than have him wait by his bed for that last breathe. I personally found it excruciating sitting there waiting for it and couldn't see the value for them in either case.