To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

OP, as a few others have said, most people ‘choose’ to die when no-one is watching.
Happened with my mum, bed bound and semi conscious for a few days, I went to make a coffee and she went while I was out of the room (less than 3 minutes). Her GP said this was really common. Ultimately, people need to die alone.

I quite agree with this, @lurchersforever

It’s your choice and it’s your decision and it’s entirely your business.

I sat with my mum the last 10 days of her life.
My sibling bossed her and ran every aspect of her life from what Mum wore to where she lived.

But when Mum began to die I watched that same sibling take a literal step back - as if Mum dying scared them, made them afraid.

It was an honour for me to be there when Mum took her last breath - and it was profound.

No only one and that was enough absolutely horrific to the end. Terrified gasping for breath as though drowning (more than rattle) and absolutely terrified eyes like a horror movie scared and stayed that way after death till nurse closed eye lids. From a Catholic family this is how I remember elderly relatives saying death is ie terrifying until someone closes the eyes. All this bullshit about peaceful must be morphine?

Is there a hotel near by? You could aim to stay for one night and see how it goes tomorrow.

Either way, if you leave for home or to get some sleep at a hotel, before you go tell your Dad you love him and that it’s okay for him to go whenever he needs to, that you’ll be there to take care of your Mum so he’s not to worry about that.

That may give you peace of mind if he passes while you are not there - a part of him will know that you were there for him and your Mum.

So sorry op. Very hard when family dynamics are complex. I know! From personal experience I was not there when 3 people close to me died,even though I had spent a fair bit of time with them in the hospital. I did say goodbye to them when I went,in my own way in case they died when I wasn't there( which they did) In my professional experience relatives are often not there.. even if they have spent the day/ night. It really can be that they have gone for fresh air,to the loo etc. I hope you find your way op.

Please ignore horrible comments like it sounds like you don't care enough. This person clearly doesn't understand what it is like to have a complicated relationship with parents.
You can only do what you are most comfortable with. Sorry you are going through this xx

I think when you’ve got unconsciousness, syringe drivers and rattling it probably won’t be that long. And the hospital can only give him a room if they’ve got one. Unfortunately people die on the main wards all the time.

I was with my mum and my best friend when they died and I couldn’t tell you at what moment they’d actually died. They were unconscious anyway. The rattle was a little clue. My dad woke up, told us he was feeling ok and to go home, then died after we’d left.

There’s no right or wrong. You can’t always be there 24/7. I got the impression that the nurses expected me to be for my dad, but his end of life care lasted 3 weeks and I had dogs and horses, plus my mum’s care to do, so simply had to run backwards and forwards.
Thinking of you. Whatever the circumstances it’s a tiring, emotional time

In a practical sense it is really difficult to predict when someone will pass away. It might be days or weeks before they do. I would arrange to visit certainly and I would ask the nurse to contact you if it looks like he will shortly be at his end, but it is really not practical to sit by a bedside 24/7 just in case. If you do need to visit. Premier Inn or Travelodge would be for me.

With this kind of thing you have to decide what will give you the most peace - and consider the needs of your dependants too.

I was very close to my mum but once she was unconscious - after all the goodbyes in the afternoon before she became unconscious - I did decide to go home to my 13 year old as felt she would need me there more. Mum was with my brother and eldest daughter when she passed so wasn't alone and I didn't leave until midnight anyway. These kind of things are very emotional and stir up a lot of feelings that may have been hidden for years. Be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

I sat with my mum every day for a week until she passed. We had been no contact for years. There is no right or wrong OP.
The hospital was a no go for sleeping as we were sat on chairs and it was noisy. Then she was moved to a hospice. Tbf we didn’t go home once she was there but it was still 3 days. Mum passed at 3ish am when her sister was sat with her. My sister was in the next room and I had come home for sleep.
You ANBU whatever you decide. We agonised every night about going home but the staff said they would call if they thought it was time. They checked on mum more on the odd occasion we had nipped out or home for sleep. Please be kind to yourself. It felt like torture for us. Trapped in a groundhog day. Sending love xx

It's a really tough one. I don't have much contact with my parents but I wouldn't want them to die alone. I think I'd wan to be there at the end and make some sort of peace. I wouldn't want to live with the possibility that I'd feel any guilt after the event. Even when someone is unconscious, hearing is usually the last sense to go so I would want to be there to talk to them.

Which is what, exactly? Have you witnessed many deaths?

@lurchersforever please look after yourself. Some people seem to wait until their loved ones are out of the room (loo break, coffee run, fresh air) before allowing themselves to die. You know you went to see him and say goodbye, so does he, so does your Mum. If that's all you have, then that's enough. Take care.

To be honest with a situation like this it likely will be. You have your traumatic deaths that stay with you years later and then ones like this where the patient is sedated, not struggling, they just slip away. Most inpatient deaths I would say are like this.

OP there is no right answer. We all have different relationships with our families and as long as you are at peace with your choice then no need to seek permission as it were. Plenty of folk however loved they are had nobody with them at the end.

You've come up with a long list of rather flimsy reasons why you can't be there. It sounds more like you don't want to be there. If that's the case, own it. If you weren't close and don't feel the need to be there, you don't have to be. Do what feels right to you. Just be aware that this is a one-time event so you need to be comfortable with your choice. No judgement either way.

DM's only there for a couple of hours each day. She doesn't seem to be massively bothered.

I wasn’t with my mum when she passed last year. I’d seen her the day before with my eldest and would have gone that day with my youngest (eldest doing a levels and youngest doing GCSEs at the time but it was the weekend) but was phoned to tell me in the evening. She was in her care home. The last time I saw her I don’t think she was aware and she was so deaf that I doubt she could hear us. A couple of days earlier she’d told me off as I couldn’t do what she wanted me too, it was unsafe but she didn’t understand that. I’d been her carer for years until she moved to the care home for the last few months (and the care was excellent there), she’d made my life a misery in those years and I’d put a lot on hold to do this. I’m conflicted about not being there when she died but it was probably inevitable as the home wasn’t nearby and my kids needed my support too. I was there when it mattered, in her lifetime, though it cost me dear and, at times, it wasn’t the easiest relationship. In her way, she did her best and so did I.

Op - only you can make that decision. It doesn’t matter what others think. As with all things, everyone has an opinion. I hope you and your mum and dad find peace at this difficult time.

You can tell work: you can't just sit anymore you have to be doing something/ you want to save the compassionate leave for later / you can't settle till you've got work in order etc - if you feel able to work give it a try. You may find you you can't but that's useful knowledge.

The hospital may have hotel style accommodation you can stay in / deals with local hotels for cheap rooms. You could tell your mum you're doing that so as to not impose on her.

There's a decent chat of your mum going downhill shortly afterwards - if they worked as a couple in their own way for a long time that suddenly changing will be tricky. You can reasonably talk to the hospital staff about your mum's need for bereavement support / ask for chaplaincy support whilst being clear you're not local and not able to provide much help. If you think she's living in objectively unsanitary conditions consider contacting social services / the fire brigade (for hoarding).

That's also a point - the hospital chaplaincy service / volunteer service may have people who sit with dying people in hospital.

Your 16 year old is old enough to choose where to spend their time. Worth considering if it would help your teenager to see your dad - this might be their first encounter with grief (I am assuming at a distance, given your limited contact). And worth considering if they need your support more than your mum does.

It is your choice of course. But when my dad had a heart attack. I found on just as I got on a flight from Dubai to London. The second I landed, I booked an additional 8 hour flight to go see my dad. He was not dying this time and I had kids after 1 and 3 at the time. And then a few years later I got the call he was in hospital sick again. I decided to go home as it did not sound great....no confirmation he was dying....just not well. Once I got there I realised it was serious. My sister jumped on a 12 hour flight. We both had young kids. We still went home. We sat w our dad those last few days and held his hands as he passed.

You find a way to be there. Unless you have an absolute terrible relationship. No one is perfect. My sister had a difficult relationship w our dad, but she still showed up. Our dad was not perfect. He was a functional alcoholic. But he did the best he could. I am glad I was there. Not just for my dad, but to support my mom as well going through this difficult time.

My dad died in the few moments no 0ne was there. I was glad tbh.
My dfil who was adored didn't want a bedside vigil. My dh spent a lovely day with him chatting about their shared hobby. He went home and he died overnight.
At the minimum I would book a hotel. But just go home if you want to. Agree with pps it could go on longer than you think x

Don't you think the dm could do with support and company?

OP, just do what is right for you: you have your DC, and you live quite a distance away. The hell with what anyone else thinks. I’m a nurse, and have looked after many patients in your dad’s situation. Some families stay 24/7, some don’t (or can’t). We don’t judge, every family is different and we tell families that they need to figure/do what is right for them, and not what society thinks. There often lots of complex histories and situations. x

Say goodbye to him, tell your Mum you're going and go. It's then up to her if she sits with him or not.

I know people who sat and watched their parents and grandparents dying. They find it difficult to remember them when they were up and about.

My DF said goodbye to his DM when he knew she had days to go. I don't think he could visit her later on. His sister and g-niece were there all the time