To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

I lost my mum last Tuesday, she had been in hospital & then a home for the last 5 months. My brother had visited on Monday, the staff put her to bed early as she was falling asleep, went in to check on her during the night & realised she was slipping away, they called my brother but she had gone just before they arrived. Dying isn't an exact science, your dad will go when he is ready. Don't feel guilty for not being there 24/7, you need to prioritise yourself & your family as well, you need your strength & energy for afterwards.

Hello fellow lurcher fan! I am so sorry you are in this situation - it's incredibly hard.

My beloved dad passed a few months ago, in a similar situation, receiving palliative care only, though he was at home. My mom, brother and I spent most of the last week with him, and I was with him the whole of the last morning - though he couldn't speak by then I believe my presence have him comfort (we were very close, especially towards the end). I was on the bed with him when he passed and the others were in the room with us.

It brings me great comfort to know I was with him when I passed - however my relationship was very different from what you describe.

None of us can tell you what you do, or dream of judging you for your choices. You must do as your heart disctatea.

But I can only tell you that, Hellish as it was (I do feel quite traumatised still by the whole experience), I do feel good now about the fact I was at least with him at the end. It may be that this will comfort you in the future, if you do decide to stay.

But you must do what feels right for you at this time, and only you know what it is.

I am, again, so sorry you are in this hard situation.

You need to do what is right for you, OP. Look after yourself.

When MIL became too ill to be at home, she demanded to not be left alone for a minute. That meant two months of FIL sitting by her side and DH being there every spare moment so FIL could go home, shower & sleep/eat. A couple of relatives helped out, SIL turned up for an hour on weekends. It made her passing incredibly traumatic for all involved - and a relief when she finally died. The sound of her dying still haunts DH. He didn't want to be there, but felt obligated. The DC were affected by their father never being at home longer than to eat.

MIL was oblivious the last couple of weeks. She wouldn't have known if anyone was there or not.

Hi Op.

My dad died today so it felt I should comment on your post.

Myself and my brother were alternating turns at the hospital since Monday. We always had someone with him once palliative care started with the morphine driver (save for something like a vending machine/ toilet break) because for us we didn't feel comfortable with the thought of him dying alone. But it sounds like something yourself and your mum are comfortable with potentially happening so that's okay. The vigil for six days was not easy between two.

You need to do whatever feels tolerable for you and for living with it afterwards I think. For instance my brother asked if I wanted to be called back if my dad died and I said I had no need to see his body once he'd gone, for me the thought of him being alone wasn't ok but the thought of not seeing his body had no feeling one way or the other for me. Everyone is different in what will feel ok and that's ok too.

I think its important to take steps to make this as comfortable for your mum too if you can. I had a bit of an odd relationship with my dad at times but the vigil has been very therapeutic for me and I'm glad on the back end I did it and did as much of it. I didn't feel right staying in my dads house so we booked cheap hotel rooms when we needed to sleep. Thankfully they are still low season rates.

I wouldn't hold out too much hope for a private room. We were on standby for one for six days, they said infectious patients will take priority every time. It's the end of winter and there is still a higher need for them for infectional control right now. Our hospital was able to offer hostel beds on site at £50/ night.

My dad passed at 9am today. And had no fluids for six days. The signs the last two days that we were close was his jaw moving when he was breathing in and his whole upper body jerking with the breathing too.

The main reason I was glad someone was there all the time was we could keep track of things like personal care/ him being moved in the bed/ get his position adjusted if he was coughing/ ask for tops up of sedation if there were any signs of agitation/ give oral gel every two hours through the night. Whether he knew we were there or not I feel we were able to help with his comfortable passing and knowing that is helping me to cope now. It's more than just the presence of another being. Sitting there in the early hours stroking his shoulder and thinking through all the good and bad things that came to my mind was its own kind of therapy.

I'm sorry for your loss. Difficult relationship or not its still a parent and that feels big even so.

My dad wished he hadn't been with his mum, who he was close to, when she passed as he said it was awful and he couldn't remember what she was like before as clearly. When his sister was dying in hospital he didn't go for the same reason.

@lurchersforever I think of you do need to go back, stay in a Premier Inn or somewhere similar, that you know will be clean and free from memories.
I wouldn't worry about work. They don't need to know the details of why you are back, I wouldn't worry what they think. If you feel you do need to say anything, just say it could be any day now or you have said your goodbyes

It is completely random. Dying is something we have no control over, there is no timing involved.

Whatever you do you, stay at the hospital or go home you don't know how it will hit you. Do they not have a relatives room?

The ward my mum was on had compassionate visiting and be fare all the other patients were OK with me being there as I'm quiet and was focused on her. She got moved to a side room and I got to stay with her around the clock with the use of the relatives room. Difference being we had a brilliant relationship. It's only 12 days ago and the guilt is hitting hard despite knowing I did everything I could to help her.

Yes but apparently this is v common it’s just people are told it’s peaceful to be kind, which is why I asked for any medical people to comment. I think nowadays if cancer/morphine involved it “seems” peaceful but apparently eyes wide open stare etc is pretty common or absolute fighting to “escape” in last moments. I say this from what elderly relatives used to say from their memories when death at home was the norm for them as children. We sanitize everything nowadays. OP I’d 100 not be there!!

It must be so hard OP. I get why you are conflicted.

If it were me, I would say my goodbyes and head home. You sitting there is not going to change the outcome of anything other than a level of guilt you might carry down the track.

I see you are worried what people might think. My advice would be don't explain other than to tell your boss he rallied and you would prefer to keep busy at work and visit after hours.

Best wishes and take care OP.

I think unless you come from a complicated family, you perhaps can't comprehend this stuff.

I hope you will be alright OP. I spent years and years trying to be a good daughter. I wasn't there for either of them when they died.
Be kind to yourself.

I haven’t read the whole thread. My DM died last December. She’d has incurable secondary cancer for five years and lived in a nursing home for the last 18 months of her life. We were so close. I adored her. Obviously I sat with her while she died - we went through everything together and there was no way I’d leave her alone for the last “journey” of her existence on this planet. She had a peaceful passing and it was as good as it could possibly be. But it scarred me. Please do t feel you have to do it for someone if they aren’t your “ride or die” person. It’s changed me.

He won’t be alone. He’s in hospital OP. Besides plenty of people die alone at home in their own beds.

@GreenCa ..this is my experience too

I was a nurse and have been with patients and families at the end of life. In my experience some patients seem to wait until their relatives are not in the room before they pass. I was not there when either of my parents died. Do what you feel is right for you.

It's actually quite common for people to die once their loved ones have left. I even told my DF when he was dying he should go when he was ready, not to wait until I was with him. He died a couple of hours before I got there in the morning.

I'm sorry that was what you witnessed, that must have been terrible. With the greatest of respect, you've seen one death. That really doesn't qualify you to comment on what often happens / what a lot of deaths are.

I really feel for you and reading all the responses here in terms of other posters experiences has been the closest to articulating how I felt when my mum passed and the weeks leading up to it. I don't have any advice other than be kind to yourself and take all the practical, physical and emotional support you are offered. I didn't and it has had a profound impact on my own well being that I am just starting to work through.

100% this.

I feel for you OP but you are not obliged to stay, they say hearing is the last thing to go so say what you need to, give him a kiss if you want & tell him he can let go when he is ready & go home. Wishing you all the best x

I’ve just been through this with my dad who was a life long smoker and had many health problems that seemed to appear only two months ago. My mother also only visited for an hour on most days even though they had been together since their teens and were quite dependent on each other. I only really saw them once a year as they are five hours away and we had become distant emotionally as well as geographically. My sister lives very close by and was also visiting daily. I had said goodbye but thought I would be able to visit again in a couple of weeks but that didn’t happen. He was also on morphine so wouldn’t have known if I was there. My mother and sister left him earlier in the day at his request. Not everyone wants their loved ones to be by their side when they are dying. Do what you think is right and stand by it or the guilt will tear you up.

Surely you can see that judgement is unhelpful and unwarranted here. Why not be compassionate? The OP is clearly doing her best in the circumstances.

Sometimes people can take a long time to die. My husband did at least 5 ‘last goodbyes’ to his grandmother but couldn’t do it again when it reached the point she actually went. I am experiencing similar with my mum and it is getting harder and harder to have the emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been grieving for at least 6 months but she’s not died yet. God knows how she’s hanging in to be frank but there are only so many times I can mentally say goodbye. I have to function for my young children. As harsh as it sounds, she has had her time and my children need me more.

I think you can have a picture in your head of what a parent dying should be. Mine isn’t what I imagined and yours doesn’t seem to be either. I think as long as you make peace with your decision OP it’s now about how you manage rather than your dad. He’ll be gone but you have to manage.

I have seen family members die, but was not there when my son died. He was unconscious in A&E and I think I was in a state of shock as it was unexpected. I left during the evening to get something to eat and book into a hotel though the staff thought I should stay. I could not have coped with being there all night. He died the following day.
We were close but just could not handle seeing him like that. Not everyone can cope with watching someone die.

It's totally fine. I loved my parents and was close to them but still didn't sit by their bedside 24/7 as they were dying. I did what I could and sat with them, talked to them, read to them etc but I had young DC to parent. I think you've done your bit.

I’m sorry you’re torn about this. But you should do what is best for you. My mum died a year ago, she took two weeks to go and did so when my brother or I were not there. The palliative care team said this would probably happen. They asked, Woud you want your own children to watch you die? Of course not. My mum was riddled with cancer and went from being normal, driving, doing every day activities to dead within two weeks. I was lucky that my mums house was fine to stay in, although heartbreaking I found comfort in this. I lived 3 hours away too. I sat with mum most of the day, my brother couldn’t. We did what we could to give her comfort in those days, but at the end she was on morphine and unconscious. She was a nurse that volunteered in her later years at a hospice. She knew exactly what was happening. I don’t know if that was good or not. I think for you it will be a release. Your mums left behind, which maybe tricky. I hope you do a lot of looking after yourself and your family. Take care