To not sit with dying parent? May be upsetting.

Why on Earth not? I have been in the travelodge this week going back and forth to the hospital and the beds were really comfy, rooms were quiet and peaceful, curtains blacked out all light and everything was brilliantly clean and the shower was hot and satisfying. I couldn't fault them at all. I turned up 3am and 5am some nights to check in and they would let me in and had kept my room etc. Check out was a very generous 12pm and I paid £40- £80 a night which seemed very reasonable. My only complaint is the internet is only free for 30 minutes, but I wasn't using the room to hang out in besides sleeping and freshening up. For something like this I'd highly recommend them.

Sorry OP, didn’t address your post. You have to do what’s right for you. As PP have said, you’ve done your duty and said your goodbyes. No need to feel obligated or duty. But it’s your choice, whatever you do will be up to you with no judgement. Sending you a hug

Yes. My mum didn’t die until I’d headed home to rest after spending weeks sleeping on the hospital floor. I would ask the nurses if I had time to pop out to the cafe to get a sandwich or if they could call me the minute anything happened if I was away from her bedside. I agree with the woo woo, I’ve come to realise people hold on whilst their loved ones are in the room and leave when alone. Apparently mum’s beloved cat let out a most almighty yowl at the very moment she passed, which reinforces my other woo woo belief that animals know more than we can ever understand.

I've often heard of people preferring to go when they are alone - my mother also went in the early hours when she was on her own, and I believe that's how she wanted it.
Or people wait until visitors have left and then go.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - do what works for you.

travelodge? better not

@OP, As I have already posted, I had a long sit -alone - just this week

Mum and I relationship broke down years ago

We tolerated each other

Yet she called for me, and me and DH held her in her last lucid moments

There was no love lost between us. But come the end she wanted me and I was there for her.

That comforts me

But this is your journey

Take comfort in knowing that you can only do what you can do. There are no rules, no should/could dos. Do you xx

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough.

I just wanted to say that "dying alone" has awful connotations of someone being unloved and lonely in their final moments. The situation you describe is quite different: you have said goodbye and your dad is not conscious. He is in hospital and being cared for. There is always a chance that someone dies when there happens to be no one in the room. That does not necessarily make it a sad and lonely death. My DH's gran died alone in hospital: she was admitted for something that was not life threatening and the relatives had all gone home in the evening. She was in a private room and when a nurse came to check on her she had passed away. It was a very peaceful and calm death.

Wishing you strength and much love over the next few days, weeks and months x

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough.

I just wanted to say that "dying alone" has awful connotations of someone being unloved and lonely in their final moments. The situation you describe is quite different: you have said goodbye and your dad is not conscious. He is in hospital and being cared for. There is always a chance that someone dies when there happens to be no one in the room. That does not necessarily make it a sad and lonely death. My DH's gran died alone in hospital: she was admitted for something that was not life threatening and the relatives had all gone home in the evening. She was in a private room and when a nurse came to check on her she had passed away. It was a very peaceful and calm death.

Wishing you strength and much love over the next few days, weeks and months x

OP, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I was somewhere similar last May and as my dad was divorced and my sis abroad I was his only visitor. I was torn between being there and being home for my teens, DH and pets. We were not close. My sister chose not to visit and regrets that now.

Only you can decide what feels right. Make that decision for you rather than him as you will be the person remaining. My dad had no funeral either but you can process a lot by going through old photos and letters. Everyone’s journey is different. Nearly a year forward I feel I can understand my dad better and the day I said goodbye was not the day he died. I was not present for that and part of me is glad as I wouldn’t want that as my final memory of him.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. It is such a personal thing and you need to do what is right for you. I spent many hours and days at my father’s bedside but was not there when he actually died and feel no guilt about that. He knew everything he needed to and he would have totally understood that I needed to be with my children.
I agree with your user name and hope you have got a Lurcher to comfort you when you get home.
Sending love and strength to you and everyone who is going through or has been through similar. 💐

Just wanted to say you’re not unreasonable doing what is right for you, not at all.
Sending an unmumsnetty hug and strength for the coming days x💐

It won’t take weeks if he’s not eating or drinking.

I was a carer for many years, people often wait until they are alone to die.

I'm in nursing and medications given near time of death are to ease the dying person's suffering, especially work of breathing, agonal breathing, secretions, etc

If you research near death experiences or hospice nurses' experiences

People who are dying experience visions towards the end - they talk to and see people who have passed and locations where they used to live

I think the eyes wide open is them seeing these visions

Yes you have to do what you feel is best. You know yourself the best and what will be best for you in the long term.

I'm a nurse and we always respect the adult children of dying parents. The no contact / low contact children always have good reasons for the separation.

It’s such a deeply personal thing, you can only try and do what’s right for you in the moment. Try to think what would give future you the most comfort after this is over, or what would cause you the most regret.

I can only comment on my personal experience and to echo a previous post, being there for my dad’s final moments was serene, profoundly moving and comforting in a way I could never have imagined beforehand and I can’t really explain. We didn’t have a complex relationship though and he’d had dementia for a long time. I’d made peace with not being there if I’d popped out for whatever reason but I’m very very glad I was, after a long and difficult three weeks of end of life care at home.

And a huge thank you to all of those involved in end of life care; you’re all incredible.

You need to do what you can cope with and what you feel you need to do. You'll get an instinct. It may or may not be governed by how close-contact you are.

My father died last year. He went downhill very quickly. As per his wish, we got him home that evening and he died the next morning. I hadn't felt the need to come home from work early- in fact I'd stayed a bit late to tie up and handover - and I'd eaten and sorted stuff out at my own home before I drove over to my parents. I'm orderly by nature and I needed that time to be organised and also to do something normal and gather myself before heading into a deathbed. I hadn't needed to be there to see him home, but I wouldn't have missed being with my parents later that night, even though dad wasn't conscious because it was the last time we'd be together as a family. My husband came in the middle of the night to support us. I needed him to support my mum in ways I couldn't. I think we all had about 90 minutes of sleep.

As with others, he went in the early hours. Mum went for a cup of tea. I don't know if he could still hear- and he was hard of hearing anyway, but I certainly believe he waited for me to come back from a nap and for my mum to leave the room. I told her - she didn't have to find him. Too many people choose to find that sliver of time they're alone for it to be coincidental.

It was the most natural thing in the world for me to sit with him and play music and keep him company whilst we waited for the Dr and to be with him through that. But as soon as my husband spotted the undertaker, I vanished. I didn't need to see that. Instinct took me away. My husband supported my mum through it. I can cope with memories of those final hours both before and after he died, and yes, I do recall the visual but I also easily remember my dad as he was in life. I know if I'd seen him leave, that would've been too much for me and indelible.

You'll just feel your way through OP. Do what you can cope with.

Haven’t read the thread, but wanted to let you know OP that so many people pass alone - often when their visitors pop out for a few minutes, so don’t be concerned about him being alone in his last moments - many people seem, in the end, to prefer it that way

There's no right or wrong OP, just do whatever will allow you to be at peace with yourself in the future.

Do what you have to do. I refuse to sit beside any bedside. I will make the exception for my mum but that's it, what every you chose to do not what you think you have to do xxx

I buried Mum on Thursday

She spent a month in hospital, her first few weeks were grand, she was on a ward, had company and 24/7 care

I got called Friday morning to come. I sat with mum till 3am Sunday morning

Those last few hours were in Macmillan and I couldn't have done it without their support

Mums rattle lasted 11 hours and was so loud they came in and aspirated her - for the comfort of those on the unit

It wasnt easy, esp as I was alone, but now as I get condolences everywhere, I can say mum never suffered nor was she alone

And that comforts me

@Chenecinquantecinq I am sorry to read this was your and your relatives experience. I worked for a good few years in palliative and end of life care as a nurse. With children and adults. With those who had morphine and other medications and those who did not. I do not recognise your/ your relatives description of how someone is just before they die.
No one can really tell the op what to do can we?
All our experiences and the way we process are so different.
I hope you find a way op. Bear in mind it does not matter what work thinks or what anyone else thinks. Take care.

When my mother was in a Hospice my OH sat with her through the day when I had to work and then I joined him when I finished work.. We went home to have a meal and the phone rang to say she had died, when we got back to the Hospice one of the staff said that it's quite common for a person to die when they were on their own, in some cases their family member had just gone to the loo.

People often seem to wait until no one is in the room with them to die. So I dont think you have to put yourself out to try and be there.