To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group

My initial thoughts are that that's incredibly harsh but actually, I'm know starting to think you've probably done this woman a favour. She has exited the group before it gets nasty for her, and she can now reflect on how she presents herself to future friends/friendship groups.

Don’t remove her just set up a new WhatsApp group and let the old one die a death

Ive come across many susans at different stages of life .
They are entitled users who rely on you being too kind and polite to object to their demands.
It requires dealing with and there are 2 options

1. saying NO to Susan. "ill need a lift with x" "sorry i cant give you a lift today"
2. Avoiding by forming a separate group without Susan (though Susans are often very thick skinned they will track down the new group .

Do you think the woman who invited her to your group did so intending to then bail out herself?
And given she was never invited in the first place and you say people have tried to reason with her, a new group is the only option.

I do take exception that the idea of not endlessly pandering to a selfish CF, or committing to taking her to task like a naughty child every time she misbehaves is somehow cliquey mean girl behaviour.

We've all met people like 'Susan', and no matter how many times you explain ground rules, ask for borrowed items back, tell her she needs to drive sometimes, explain that her behaviour is not on, she's not going to get any better, and may also make a massive stink about it. She's not a pleasant or community-minded person, and it will always be all about her and her needs.

People like this will bleed you dry if you let them.

The only way to keep your hiking group going is to let this one die and start a new one without her. People like this can't and don't learn - and don't want to, or think they should have to - and will just endlessly shit into the middle of everything they try to participate in. Save yourselves!

This is why DH is strict with his friendship / hobby group who go away on a trip annually to do their sport and have done for years. Others in the group used to ask if their friend x and y can join and DH always said hard no.

Their group works well as it is and as poor op has set out here how one additional member can mess the whole thing up for everyone and the group are then either stuck with them or destroy the group or have to be “mean” to the interloper to get rid. Far easier to keep it closed.

I would have already broken a finger starting a new Whatsapp group minus her.
I don't think this type of personality will be very good at taking 'feedback'

This!

Start a new group chat without her. She sounds obnoxious!

The admin of the group can just remover her from the group, you can also block her number so she can't private message you. Or create a new group and add everyone except her. Then stop replying until it sinks in.

I have a family member like this and I’ve watched her be excluded and friendships fizzle out over the years - she still hasn’t realised and changed her ways and when I have gently tried to point out why she may have been excluded she just shrugs - honestly she has the skin of a rhino and will never realise that she’s the problem. She just takes and takes and never offers anything back and when it stops working she moves on to other people.

I also think that a large part of this is all of your making. You need to tell her the situation otherwise she won't know. Assuming she will know hasn't worked. Of course if one person says no to a lift she will ask someone else, that is normal. You just need to say - no Sally, I can't give you a lift as to be honest we are all getting a bit tired of you never reciprocating lifts. This is a group that works by people helping each other, which means you too need to take your turn. Maybe if you had all told her months ago she'd be better. But ultimately IMO life is too short to put up with people that piss you off. So as I said above I'd use your new group but tell her honestly what you are all thinking, give her a chance to respond to that and stop being a dick on one trip, if she doesn't never use the old group again and just ignore her messages.

I think making the new group is fine but I do think you should clearly signal to her what's going wrong so she gets clear messaging that her behaviour has led to this. I'd just ring her up and say words to the effect of - Sally, just wanted to let you know that there have been some concerns raised about your behaviour. It has been noted that you often ask for lifts but never reciprocate, that you expect others to do everything for you (eg suggesting attending X walk when injured and saying people would have to help you), and that people feel they always have to run the planning of every trip past you (try to give specific examples). I wanted to tell you what has been discussed because if it was me I'd want to know as I would want the chance to change my approach to things with the group. I fear if things continue as they are then the group will not want you to join our trips any more.' Then you give her another chance to join a trip in a few weeks on the old group. If she's still a dick you have warned her and you just don't use that group any more, and she will know why.

OP, have you asked the original friend why she left? It’s a bit shitty that she practically dumped her on you to start with.i think the fact she has dm others for lifts after being told you will not be assisting her is the cheekiest, rudest thing she could have done! So what would have happened once she was there and realised she was hiking without help! I hope she’s got back to you but I would have had to say something before blocking her!

I think this calls for some hard hitting humour.

next time she asks and is CF, reply along the lines with “isn't it your turn to drive” and add a smiley or laughing face, what is said in jest can sometimes work better. When she is being CF outlandish you laugh “ goodness we must invite you more”, or “have you tried please or thank you”.

you could discuss things with the mutual friend who has taken a leave from the group, she may have a better way to communicate with her.

Or just take her to one side and be honest that you find her difficult to understand and find her lack of manners upsetting. She may have something like ASD where she does not understand social cues or subtlety. You have to be clear, firm but not unkind.
If all this fails, start your group again and sometimes do things in a smaller group.

You should tell her she's more trouble than she's worth.

But this is when you have to be direct and say,
'No because you are more than capable of driving and you're taking the fucking the piss'
A 'No' just won't cut it and its where you lot are failing in this confrontation.

3luckystars
I do think you will feel better about it if you say what you need to say to her and give her a chance,

Yes, but how many chances has she already been given, over the years since she invaded the group to turn it into her personal support network?

(The words to employ might be "What did your last slave die of?" every time she makes a demand without a please in the sentence.... But "sorry, who?" would be less tiring in the long run.)

Yes... Perhaps mean spirited

BUT similar happened in a larger group I was part of... We just ended up with someone who wasn't QUITE as bad, but still pretty draining... She wasn't someone anyone would have chosen as a pal, she had joined our extended group when she had pounced upon one of the kinder members of our group.

I left the area eventually.

I just kept in contact with those people I wanted to..

The odd rude person eventually drifted off... But this was a full five years after she had had a 'little chat'...

Personally I would have preferred if we'd just quietly dropped her..
She was so bloody thick skinned/rude I don't think she would have realised and prob would have found someone else to be annoying around

She completely changed the group dynamic, had way too much control over what /where we went... As she'd be a nightmare if it didn't go her way etc etx

.

I think one of you may need to put your big pants on and have a friendly-but-honest word with her, or set some general ground rules in the original WhatsApp group. She sounds like someone who creates her own chaos without quite realising it, and I suspect she’s been frozen out before simply because people avoid saying anything.

Initially re-assert she should not come on the planned trip as she is not well and needs to heal.

Then it might help to explain that the group is meant to be self‑sufficient, mutually supportive and generally pleasant to be around — not an episode of Driving Miss Daisy. Add things like:

• Not everyone drives, so it’s genuinely kind when people offer lifts. It’s not automatic, and it’s polite to ask rather than assume you’ve got your own personal chauffeur.
• It’s also unfair for one driver to become the designated taxi service. Drivers should take turns where possible, and non‑drivers might want to offer petrol money — it keeps things fair and stops quiet resentment brewing. If a driver volunteers more regularly than others, then all need to offer petrol money - perhaps agree a mileage rate now for such occasions.
• Group decisions are made as a group. Democracy may be messy, but it’s better than one person dictating the itinerary.
• If someone is temporarily unwell or limited, it may be best for them to “sit this one out” until they’re able to join safely again. Otherwise the whole outing ends up revolving around one person’s needs and create a potential H&S risk for all concerned. if someone is long-term incapacitated, the group can organise an occasional none active, social event to include them.
• Borrowing kit or clothing is fine, but it should be returned clean and promptly — not three outings later looking like it’s been through a hedge. Repeated requests for return should not be acceptable and future demands for return or refusal to lend, may offend.

None of this is criticism; it’s just basic courtesy that keeps the group running smoothly and stops anyone feeling taken advantage of.

If Susan fails to listen after being given this chance to adjust then leave her out of future plans and if she asks why, say she does not fit in with the those of the group.

Well done on setting up the new group.
Tell anyone that disagrees they are more than welcome to contact her directly if they wishbto explain things and not join the new group if they feel so conflicted.

Good idea to ask that no one adds anyone to the group going forward.
That person was a real CF to add someone like that without asking first.
It's amazing how one rude, demanding, PITA, can sour a group.

I think it would be a bit mean just to all bugger off to a new group and heave her out; you can’t knock her enthusiasm although her manner leaves a lot to be desired.
Could you and the other members of the group come up with a few “group rules” such as :
whilst we are all happy to share lifts, passengers are requested to contribute towards fuel
although we all love our hikes we aren’t spring chickens anymore so will not be able to assist anyone who isn’t 100%
etc
You could say that these things were agreed verbally when the group started and you’re just making sure new members are aware.
Or you could just say “right Phyllis, we’re happy to have you with us but your attitude stinks - buck up”.

You've started your new group minus Susan + friend who introduced her. Now you plan to post occasionally on the old group and also occasionally arrange the odd outing on that old group, if I've understood correctly.

I'd be anxious on those infrequent outings that someone (probably me, tbh) would drop a clanger and refer to last week's hike or something that S and friend hadn't known about. That anxiety wouldn't be very conducive to a pleasant afternoon. I think.