To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

You using silly language doesn’t alter the fact that an adult breaking a promise is serious.

I’m not saying it’s unreasonable to keep a pet alive, I’m saying it is unreasonable to use a vet bill as an excuse to get out of a commitment I made to my child to pay for a life skill that I feel is a parent’s duty to provide.

I did say for a vet bill of £5k, I’d first be talking to the vet about a payment plan before considering putting the pet to sleep. In my experience a vet bill of £5k does mean the pet is likely near end of life anyway.

Well op cant keep this promise. Even if it was a "pinkie promise swear forever best friends" one.

Doesn't mean shes not decent. It means things have changed unexpectedly. Hard luck but thats life.

No. She's 18, a driving licence is one of the first things you do for yourself as an adult. I'd have been mortified to ask my mum to pay for my lessons, never mind my phone bill!

At 18, I was paying my own phone and driving lessons. My mum paid my basics like food and toiletries until I left education. Isn't she embarrassed to have mum paying for her?

Yep. My friends' dog busted her cruciate ligament on the beach last year - the bill came to almost 5k for surgery and rehab afterwards. The dog wasn't remotely close to death and is now fit, happy and healthy and has another good 4-6 years of life left (going by her breed).

Well if she's being an entitled madam and swearing at you when you discusses her paying for her lessons yanbu.

Unless there's a huge back story or you paid for siblings lessons. Then she is being awful

My eldest dc isnt working as has loads hobbies. When I sat him down to explain we were short on money and would he mind paying towards his lessons and tests from his savings. He said no problem and offered to pay for it all.

I dont loan money to friends

Well, if I was 18 and my mum put my pet to sleep because she'd rather pay for my driving lessons, I'd probably never forgive her for it.

It's not "passing the buck" - it's teaching an 18yo that shit happens and we can't always have what is promised to us. I'm sure she'll survive - along with the thousands of other people who also have to pay for their own driving lessons

Yep exactly my thoughts!

Yep, it was £4k just for MRI scans and other investigations on my dog when she swallowed a stick. Then £3k on some tooth issue. £6k on some lumps being removed, tests, scans, monitoring, meds etc. Nowhere near death at all in any instance 🙄

Think about that “you made a promise waaaah” next time a friend you loan money to decides they’re not paying it back because of a surprise bill. You can tell yourself it’s tough titties and you need to grow up and forget about promises meaning anything.

Her daughter is 18 and saving up for higher education.
That is a teenager who is barely an adult.
OP has passed the buck of a surprise bill to her own teen daughter.
Not very mature in my opinion to rob Peter to pay Paul.
She is ditching her financial commitment to her daughter because she can’t handle a surprise bill. Probably because a landlord or other creditor wouldn’t accept the surprise vet bill excuse. Her teen daughter is taking the financial hit for OP’s failure to save.

They were not 10 year olds. One adult made a promise to another. Most decent people keep promises.

In your opinion its a weak excuse.

Op doesnt have to agree with that, and the DD doesnt have to like it. But its tough titties really. Time for her to show shes mature enough to be a road user, if shes one of these toddler "but you made a promise waaahhh" types then thank god it'll be a bit longer before shes driving to be frank 😬

Exactly. I could never forgive myself if my parents had put my dog/cat to sleep because I wanted to learn to drive - especially when I was 18, earning my own money and fortunate enough to be living at home for free!

No wonder so many kids are so bloody entitled these days. Fuck me.

No, it absolutely does not.

5k can be the cost of repairing a cruciate injury. In can be the cost of emergency surgery because the dog has swallowed something and has a blockage. In can be the cost of amputation and recovery because the dog has been hit by a car.

If you'd put your pet to sleep in those scenarios then that's your choice, but it's hardly unreasonable to want to keep them alive

It's irrelevant what "most" parents do or what's "normal"; you're in a specific situation where you (I think) told your daughter that you would pay for her lessons and paperwork to get her license and now you may not be able to follow through. Likely she feels blindsided; at 18 just out of college working full time to save for starting uni, she's going to be counting and accounting for every penny. (Keep in mind, she doesn't know what uni is like or what it will cost her or how she'll manage; this is all new and still speculative to her). Just as the large unexpected vet bill was a blow to you, the bill for leaning to drive will be to her. Of course, she shouldn't speak to you as she did, but she's not "just" being an entitled brat (about this issue, anyway). She may not have fully absorbed the issues with your pet or what that expense means in your larger financial situation. If you really cannot pay, tell her why.

Otherwise, I'd take another look at your finances and decide what's reasonably possible now. Is this mainly a cash flow issue - e.g., driving lessons was going to absorb a particular pool of discretionary money for the next few months, and now the vet bill has hit at the same time? If so, could it be an option to have your daughter pay up front (or split the cost) and you "pay her back" later on/incrementally?

As a side note, it does sound like you're not comfortable with how things are working out over this gap year. If she's spending her earnings from her current job frivolously/buying things you consider too much of an indulgence, I can see why you're annoyed. If she's mainly using the temporary opportunity of full-time income and very limited expenses to save all she can for uni, I'd respect that but again, be realistic. If you need her to pay for certain things, or feel it's important for her that she does, arrange it up front before she's mentally added her earnings to her "uni savings" total. And, since you mentioned it, she should be doing a share around the house - at the very, very least taking care of her own needs, keeping her room clean, and tidying up after herself in common areas. But decide what needs to change and discuss it with her, no (more) surprises!

The mind boggles that an entitled teenagers driving lessons would prioritise the life of a beloved pet ! My kids would be absolutely furious if I had the dog PTS for this reason.
Obviously different if the dog is likely to die or is very old .

But OP did have the money, and chose to spend it on her pet, while her adult daughter lives with her rent-free, doesn't pay for anything and works in a well paid job.

Said daughter needs to pull her socks up, grow up a bit and fund her own bloody driving lessons.

Are you? You do know a vet bill of £5k usually means the pet is extremely ill and close to end of life anyway at that point.

Sorry but my children are higher priority than any pet. I think most people wouldn’t have £5k to spend on a vet bill. They’d be saying it’s time to let the pet go.

I had no idea that you can only learn to drive while youre 18 now, then thats it, no further opportunity ever to learn. Thats wild.

Are you taking the piss?

OP is more than old enough to know that a surprise vet bill is a weak excuse for not being there for her daughter like she promised.

Oh, and promises are all through adult life. You promise to be monogamous, you sign a contract that is a promissory note, you make wedding vows which are promises.

You'd really put a beloved pet to sleep if it meant you could no longer pay for driving lessons for a grown adult?

Wow.