To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

YANBU.

Also she should be doing stuff around the house and she should not be swearing at you.

You need to lay down some house rules tbh.

You said you'd pay but you had an unexpected large emergency expense. Unfortunately, this is a welcome to the real world to your daughter. Yes, you moved the goalposts but you had to make a choice. You might need to remind her driving is a privilege she has to earn.

She sounds spoiled, being 18 and not contributing to the household via chores at the least. Telling you to fuck off was rude as fuck and I'd be disinclined to help her out after that. I'd stop doing her laundry and any tasks for her. Stop paying that phone bill.

I'd let things die down a bit and offer to pay half the lessons. I wouldn't be fully paying because she's become extremely entitled and flat out disrespectful and rude. Did she expect you to let your pet go without vet care?

It's time for you to give her some consequences for her disrespect and laziness and lack of contribution to the household.
I'm in the US and I paid for extra driving lessons for both my kids. It was safer for them to have that time and they got a discount on their insurance.

How much did you give her for her 18th? There’s a big difference between, say, £500 and £4000.

I think it’s rather unfair to say you’d pay for it, then change your minds. If you were only a vet bill away from not being able to afford it, then you shouldn't really have promised it in the first place.

Well she doesn't pay for anything else (more fool you), the least she can do is pay for her lessons and test.

I don't think I know anyone whose parents paid for their driving lessons.

I can understand that she is angry, if you said you would pay for the lessons and have gone back on that. That said, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. If she's working and has no bills to pay, then I think it's reasonable enough that she pays for her own lessons.

With all 3 of my children, when they were 17, we did a combination of us paying for some lessons for Christmas/Birthdays, and them paying the rest from their savings/weekend jobs. It's probably worked out around half and half. We paid for insurance for them to learn on our car, but they then had to buy their own cars and insure them once they passed. It's not impossible, they all got older cars worth around a grand, and insurance was no more than £1000 for the year - still a lot I know, but not the £200 a month that some people are quoting on here. They did all have some savings which helped with this.

We could have afforded to pay for all this, but I think it was really good for them to understand that money doesn't grow on trees, and working for things they want gives them a sense of responsibility.

@Firsttimemom3 I think the fact you have said you have moved the goal posts is unreasonable. If you promise to fund something, then back out, I can understand her being frustrated.

HOWEVER

You've spoilt her, my children wouldn't ever dare tell me to fuck off, sorry.

I do agree with this.

She wouldn't be getting anything from us with that attitude.

What seems unreasonable to me is the fact you have agreed to her having a gap year without setting up expectations for what she pays for out of her earnings during that year.

That's a big drip feed. You need a discussion about attitude etc first.

I thinks it’s unfair to ask to ask her to pay when you’ve already said you’d pay for lessons etc. We paid for everything including cars and insurance for the first year for our 3 when they were 17 but it was our choice to live where we do and they needed cars to get about. I’d be less inclined if they hadn’t lifted a finger around the house and told me to fuck off - that’s a spoilt little madam you have there.

I would never pay for my kids if they spoke to me like that. We paid for ours but they were polite and grateful. And if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.

£200 a month insurance for a learner!

where on earth from?

it cost me nothing to add dd as a learner on a provisional. I was surprised but apparently supervised drivers are not a big risk. Especially as they aren’t allowed on motorways etc.

once she passed her test it was an extra £400 for the year to add her as an additional driver.

So insurance in total for me and newly passed dd is about £800 per year.

this was 6 months ago. Admittedly my car is about the lowest insurance class there is and worth less than 1k, but it gets us from a to b.

Myself and my 2 siblings all paid to get ourselves on the road. Lessons, tests, cars and insurance.

We did all wait until our early - mid twenties, so later than maybe those who had parents pay, but we took it out of our wages from part or full time jobs. There was absolutely no mention of parents paying.

Yes it’s crap that you’ve had to change the plans around paying, but time for a dose of realism I think!

That’s strange he didn’t know about the hazard perception. Didn’t he think to look up practice theory tests to see what it entails ? You can find them on apps and websites.

Hazard perception has been a thing for a couple of decades now - so as long as he’s been alive.

First time I took my theory test in my early 20s I didn't even think to rely on my instructor for advice on it . I just told him I was taking it and did some practice tests online and read the Highway Code.

Where's your data for the "most" claim ?

Not talking about 'amongst your friends' I'm talking about all learners across the UK.

As that certainly isn't my anecdotal experience and I suspect it is a claim that doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

You're not doing your daughter any favours, doing everything for her but feeling resentful. She should have been contributing to the household for years, practically if not financially. However, an argument is not the best time to make changes to what you have previously offered as it just comes across as a punishment. Take some time for everyone to calm down and then have a discussion about how things might need to be different in future. If you have raised her to be lazy, entitled and ungrateful she's not likely to change overnight.

You've spoilt her, my children wouldn't ever dare tell me to fuck off, sorry.

We paid for DS18s lessons and tests and have said we will match what he saves and to let us know when he is ready to buy.

If you’ve told her you’ll pay and now can’t, that’s very different from just asking her to in the first place.

When did you pass your test?

Learning to drive is SO expensive now, lessons are upwards of £40 an hour and many instructors only offer two hour slots. Insurance will cost almost £200 a month for a learner (more for boys, sadly) and gone are the days where you can get a decent, reliable second hand car for £500.

I think if you said you’d pay and now you won’t, that’s off. We couldn’t afford to pay for our kids driving lessons. So for 17th birthdays we said we would pay for the first 5 hours of lessons, the provisional licence cost and the cost of the tests. But at a time they could afford to continue to pay for lessons themselves.

Our eldest is 20 at uni and has not bothered yet. He’s not really interested, and the part time job he got was 1 day a week that would have fully gone on his lessons. Personally think he should have got it done, but his money and life, his choice.

Our middle son got a full time job when he dropped out of college just after turning 17. He got on a waiting list for lessons as needed to fit around work. Sadly he lost that job after 4/5 months, but I had told him to save all his money and we didn’t charge him rent, so he had some money saved up to cover lessons. He ended up going to CAB to ask for support and help job hunting or help and advice for courses etc as he just didn’t know what to do next and wasn’t having any luck anywhere. They sent him to sign on for universal credit as that got him access to a support worker for finding a job. I told him that he should use his universal credit and any savings to learn to drive, as a driving license would make him more employable, allow him to look further afield, or consider courses at other local colleges that he couldn’t get to without a car. So he’s been doing that. He took his theory test recently but failed as he didn’t know there was a hazard perception element (neither did I as that wasn’t a thing when I did mine) so hadn’t practiced and wasn’t clear from the instructions what he needed to do. So we’ve had to rebook that, and because it’s in a town with no train from our town to it, we’ve had to find an evening appointment so that we can take him to it, meaning another months wait. All of this means he’s going to have to be having driving lessons for even longer (still annoyed his instructor didn’t tell him anything about the theory test despite knowing he had it booked).

So basically it could be a massive expensive and I can see why she’s upset if you previously said you would pay. What I would do, is charge her rent and use that money to pay for her lessons, as you made the promise initially. I would pay for the licence and tests. Although she pays for any resits if she fails anything.

I would add a few more k to that
insurance alone will be around 1800 -2k maybe more
lesson and test will easily cost 1k -1500 depending on where you live and the cost of lesson and most need around 20lessons

So basically her parents have raised her to be spoilt, rude, selfish and entitled, but not to be independent. You have bigger issues than driving lessons. She needs to grow up, and you need to make her - that's your job as a parent not pampering her like a princess and then acting surprised when she acts like one.

The fact she told you to fuck off because she needs to pay for something she wants shows she’s a spoiled little madam.
I would massively cut back, she has no respect for you.
I paid for my own lessons at 17, my parents were pretty well off but they taught me if I want things I need to work for them not sponge off others kindness.

@fruitbrewhaha I too winced a bit when I saw your post. Have you looked up how much it costs to insure a 17 year old?

Have you lived in the UK for at least a few years? If so, surely you must know what it entails for someone to learn to drive?

Also massive difference between expecting her to pay for the license and expecting her to pay for lessons too.

Not necessarily saying that position is inherently wrong or right, but it changes the whole premise of your post. Your poll might read differently had you actually written it correctly.

A license is like a one off fee of less than £100, lessons can often cost upwards of several pounds. If you had les her to believe you’d pay for it, it’s understandable she would feel let down and annoyed,
but of course was wrong to swear at you.

Do you live in an area where she desperately needs a car? Or can she wait a few years until after graduation? Not everyone needs to learn to drive at 17/18, in fact some are better waiting a few years to drive.

It isn’t unreasonable to expect her to at least contribute, particularly as she is working. My DC paid for their licenses, tests and any lessons they had. I bought a cheap car they share and pay the insurance. In the end I pretty much taught them both to drive due to the costs of lessons but given your last update I would be withdrawing any offer of help, I don’t help people who talk to me like that, no matter who they are.

Also back to the op’s point (sorry OP) I would be very angry that she had sworn at me but also I would have been paying for her lessons - sorry. Paid for both our DD’s as it’s a life skill they need. However if my kid told me to fuck off id probably think again…!