To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

If she’s working and not paying rent it seems not unreasonable for her to pay imo ..

I can’t say I have got a lot of things right with my eldest and I’m sure lots of things could have been done better, but fair play to her she paid for all lessons/ tests / physical card / car / insurance and petrol.

we paid for her £20 road tax as a well done 🤷‍♂️

if she’s told you to fuck off I suggest you do just that for a while and leave her too it ! Parenting adults isn’t really much fun sometimes!

What if you can’t afford to? Are you failing as a parent and will you be made to feel guilty about it by those who can?

Maybe just maybe if you want something badly enough a compromise can be reached like waiting until you are in your twenties and have more money. Just like people did years ago.

It’s also a life lesson to learn that often you don’t get everything immediately.

It's hard to say because we don't know the sums. You gave her a lump sum for her 18th but that could be £500 or £5,000. You help with uni - again, what amount.

You have said that she is working to save for her next year at Uni so her wages are already allocated to something that she needs.

You did promise to pay for her driving lessons and now you have withdrawn that which will affect her budgeting.

How do you expect her to pay herself, have you given/contributed enough for her to afford that as well as driving lessons or are you expecting her to just not have lessons?

Finally, she should be sharing household chores. All adults in the house should be doing some cleaning, cooking, etc. This is as important as any uni education.

Yes they told spoilt entitled daughter they would pay but an unexpected bill happened. That's life and daughter needs to respect that. She also needs to start paying for something!

She earns a good wage and yet everything is paid by the parents! That's just ridiculous and teaching the daughter nothing other than being a rude spoilt brat

The average age of a learner driver is 27. Around 1 in 4 people start learning at 17. This is one of those things which varies massively by social circle.

I would have gifted lessons for birthday/xmas but not just paid. Both my DDs worked from 16 and paid their own lessons/car /insurance

I agree with many on here that if you told her that you'd pay, then it's reasonable for her to be frustrated if that expectation has changed, but telling you to fuck off is also unreasonable.

When things are calmer, maybe discuss reasonable contributions to the household, what you're already paying for her, and if she'd like to make changes.

With my older two, I paid for the provisional license. There has been discussion with my third around possibly paying for lessons, but it would mean very little gift wise for any gift giving occasions throughout and how she can then help out once she passes and is in position to afford everything a car needs (basically, that she'd pay those rather than any rent or other costs her older siblings did).

She should pay for her own, if she is saving her wages for university expenses then I’d meet her in the middle.

How do you know? Have you asked every single parent in the country? 😉

It reads as if you’ve overcommitted your finances and your support for your DD tbh? In our (frankly very comfortably of, semi-rural) circle, paying for lessons, car, rent free gap year and contributing to university are totally normal. It would be considered odd to do otherwise. But it’s an affluent circle. I am well aware that plenty of others would need 18 year olds on a gap year to pay rent and entirely fund themselves. If a vet’s bill knocks you out then you didn’t have the money for what you promised. And I have horses with insurance but still have had the joy of deciding whether I was going to pay thousands on a vet or PTS.

I think parents should pay for driving lessons, I just do I’m afraid. I see driving as an essential life skill towards developing your independence. The role of a parent is to equip their children to be able to lead a successful adult life and driving is an important part of that.

YANBU. Large vet bills normally land when the only alternative is PTS. Presumably she loves whichever pet has been at risk and she has the capacity to understand the alternative to paying the vet bill. Shit happens, plans change. Hope your pet is okay.

@baileys6904 However ill be sure to tell my kids theyre actually infantalised and toddler ish. One has his own business, in fact has done since before he could drive, hence why we helped, one is currently at uni studying law and able to travel there and back much easier, another has just bought their own home at 23 and the baby is currently at work again but ill be sure to tell her when she gets home....

If you agree that your children are not toddlers, then why treat them as such?

I have think it’s much better for teenagers to pay for their own lessons. Driving is an expensive privilege and the earlier they learn that the better. Where I am the vast majority of teens have to pay for their own because most parents can’t afford it! My nephew saved up from as soon as he turned 16.

It sounds like your DD has turned into a spoilt brat tbh. She’s an adult - she needs to pay for her own luxuries and do her fair share of chores! Definitely not acceptable telling you to fuck off either.

Just read your daughter told you to fuck off. Are you bank rolling her gap year too?

My daughter paid for her own lessons and everything related to learning. We gave her sone money towards a second hand car. Reading on Mumsnet how many of you pay for absolutely everything is an eye opener.

If your daughter wants her independence maybe she needs to wait a few years until she’s saved up enough to run her own car without the bank of mum and dad. And maybe she will learn that by telling her mum to fuck off she gets sweet nothing??

I live in an average area and round here it’s pretty normal for parents to pay for driving lessons. Most kids start when they’re 17, and at that age they’re either at school or doing an apprenticeship, so they’re not wealthy. Buying a car is different - not many parents can afford that - but all of DS’s friends had their lessons paid for by parents.

I missed the bit where your daughter told you to fuck off - that’s not on! Tell her to find her own accommodation while she saves up for uni!

Talk about biting the hand that feeds her.

I think you’re being unreasonable if you previously told her you would pay and are now withdrawing that offer.

Really?! I had to wait until I started work and paid for my own lessons.

She told you to f*ck off?!?! Just because you cannot afford something?!

Your daughter sounds like a self entitled spoiled brat!

I would be telling her that not only does she need to pay for her own driving lessons if she wants to learn, but she also needs to start paying for her own phone bill, as she is an adult now.

Your vet bill isn’t your DDs fault , is it?

I’d say you should pay but I do understand how generous you are regarding rent etc and a large unexpected bill would hit anyone hard.

Could you go halves on lessons or pay for the initial 10 or so? Try and find a driving instructor who is happy to be paid weekly - ours does (even though I've paid in advance but he didn’t mind).

I think your daughter should be paying herself as she is working and earning a decent wage. We were fortunate that our son was working and paid for lessons etc. himself.

How much will you be helping with uni?

If you have an an unexpected bill & can no longer afford it she is plenty old enough to understand that.

Do she earn enough to carry on saving plus pay herself?

Ithink its posts like these that show how ignorant some mumsnetters are.

Your opinion is your opinion, doesnt mean its the right or 'not-wierd' one.

Some mumsnetters live rurally so its in the best interests of both child and parent to enable the driving. Some are single parents that the extra driver will prove the world of usefulness. Some are unable to drive them selves. Some live in areas of deprivation, so the driving opens opportunities. Theres loads of reasons parents pay.

However ill be sure to tell my kids theyre actually infantalised and toddler ish. One has his own business, in fact has done since before he could drive, hence why we helped, one is currently at uni studying law and able to travel there and back much easier, another has just bought their own home at 23 and the baby is currently at work again but ill be sure to tell her when she gets home....