To expect my dd to pay for her driving licence ?

An emergency vet bill would definitely take priority over driving lessons and my children would agree 100%!

I mean, I would have hoped my parents valued my pets' life over my driving lessons at 17, but maybe that's just me

Can you comprehend that many parents struggle to pay basic bills and that they do not have the financial resources to pay for lessons etc however far ahead they anticipate this?
We paid for our children but I have enough self awareness to comprehend that many people ,including friends and colleagues cannot afford to fork out 100s on lessons,car,insurance etc!

You've moved the goal posts and she's mad.
Teenage brains have poor impulse control and the fuck off is like a toddler tell you that they hate you. I think some times its a healthier way to be. I spent a long time internalising those feelings and it was so much worse for me. Tell her it's ok to be upset when things change unexpectedly and it's ok to need space to process it but it's not ok to use that language towards you.
Give her some space to cool down and explain that money can only go so far and you are sorry that you have had go back on what you said but in life you can only make decisions based on your financial situation of the moment and not the position you hoped to be in. Use it as an opportunity to reassess all of her expenses, go through what she is earning and what you are able to contribute. Help her figure out how to make that money go as far as possible and to include the driving lessons.

Especially for the sake of vets fees! Not exactly a stretch to feel like the OP is prioritising the dog/cat/rabbit over her. She shouldn’t have told her to fuck off but she is understandably disappointed

All my kids worked p/t from 16 to pay for their own driving lessons and save towards their first cars. Their father helped with insurance.

We paid for both our Dds driving lessons and tests and bought them a car each . We aren't rich either just aware how important being able to drive is as a life skill and for their independence.

I think if the goalposts have changed because of the vet bill then you all need to sit down together and have an honest conversation and agree what you’re going to do.

Does she need a car for uni?

Can you agree to fund the first X number of hours driving lessons and then agree anymore than that you’ll match what she contributes 50:50? That’s what we’re doing, so our DS has to show some effort saving and contributing himself, but it’s not 100% on him.

If finances are really tight it might be she has to postpone driving until you can all save up a decent amount. Once she’s passed her driving test she’ll need insurance which is very expensive.

Alternatively if you spend your time studying, instead of working, when you are 17 you will get better exam results, go to a better University and get a better job.

Did you previously say you'd pay, then today tell her you're not paying and she'd have to suddenly pay herself?

Telling you to fuck off isn't great but if this was the case I can imagine she might have been a bit shocked and disappointed.

I paid for all mine

We paid for both our children to learn when they were 17. It is a good skill to have.

If you have promised her you will pay for her driving lessons , theory test and driving test then you have broken your word. If you can't afford to pay now , then you need to explain that to her and try to come to a compromise. She was rude to you but you have gone back on your promise and she is really disappointed.

Well it depends.

imo driving is a life skill, and as I said once mine could drive it took an enormous weight off my time driving them around. Both do high level sport so train most days, plus weekend matches.

meant I got my evenings back, and weekends. I could go for short breaks on a long weekend instead of taking them training or to a match. So for me it was worth every penny in terms of the hours i got back.

i also don’t think asking a 17 year old doing 3 a’levels and who is committed to their team for the season to add a job into the mix is fair.

saved me thousands in the long run as the oldest got a scholarship to a US university for his sport so his degree will cost neither him or me a penny. A job would not have had that return on investment.

Exactly - driving unlocks opportunity. Why would you not want your children to be able to access that?

Anticipating something will happen =/= being able to afford it, though.

Lots of parents just don't have any spare money to fund things like driving lessons.

I have 3DC and paid for all of them to learn. Amongst their friend groups (they're now aged 19-30), I don't know any that weren't given it as a 17th Birthday gift.
The wealthier parents bought their DCs cars most adults would love. DS1's GF (now wife) was bought a brand new car on her 17th.
When DD passed she was at 6th form. I traded my car to buy a much smaller engined one and I shared it with her. I need a car because public transport is useless here, but don't drive very often. DC1&2 were working doing decent apprenticeships so could afford (with a little help) to buy and insure a car when they passed.
I think where you live makes all the difference. Paying for mine to learn meant no longer being their taxi service on a daily basis.
Here, almost everyone learns at 17, like sitting sitting GCSEs, it's just something you do. All three of their partners drive too. It's highly unusual not to, unless there's a reason.
DD is now at university in a city centre campus (she doesn't need a car there), and just uses mine when she's at home. All of her friend group were either bought cars or added to their parent's policies when they passed.

Lots of people live rurally and in areas where part-time jobs don't exist unless you have your own transport or live in a bus route.

Everyone in the household should be doing a share of the tasks: No ifs, ands, or buts. Even if you have a cleaner there are tasks that need to be done and all living in the home should be doing them.

As for being told "....off" that would be the end of ANY financial assistance EVER again. That person is a spoilt brat and needs to learn that the world does not revolve around them.

I think driving lessons are something that should be anticipated and budgeted for in the same way as going to university is. It’s not exactly a surprise that your 17/18 year old is going to want to learn to drive.

I think the issue is you have changed your mind. Lessons are expensive. I would expect her to feel very let down and disappointed if you have backed out with very little notice. So for that you are unreasonable.

Vet bill more important. Im sure its a bit of a blow for her if an arrangement has had to change, but hey thats life, shit happens.

If she cant understand that then she sounds too immature to be on the road imo.

But, this is why the second my DC start earning ill be taking keep off them (to save for them) so they dont turn into spoiled brats.

i bought him all the books and the app with the questions. I didn’t see anything about a hazard perception test. He spent weeks doing practice tests over and over, despite never scoring lower than 47 out of 50. But he’s ADHD/ASD and just didn’t occur to him to google what was in the test. I didn’t know it had changed (why would I when I hadn’t done it since 1998) and my husband is even older so never did a theory test. I would have expected his instructor to make certain he was ready for the test with how much he pays him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but to his logical mind he was doing the practice tests and thought that was all he needed to do. If his instructor had just mentioned there were 2 elements he would have prepared for it, the same as I’d expect a teacher at school to prepare a student for all elements of their gcse exam.

All my kids got their licence, lessons, car and first year insurance paid for. Some of it was with birthday presents, but most of it, not.
Some as a single mum, some not.

The end result is that they are all, without fail, amazing young adults, working, contributing to society, and also able not to generalise, to try and validate their own argument.

I think parents who’ve properly equipped their children for adult life should have 17 year olds who are capable of getting a job if they want something as expensive as driving lessons (average cost just over £2k). Working and paying for yourself is a really important life skill.