Financial arrangements moving in together

honestly just don’t do it

If you do this and then split up you may never get to buy a house again

I guarantee you that you will be dipping in to your equity ( if you sold your house ) for things in your new house or using it to pay for extra living costs

if you don’t sell it and rent it out
if you split it won’t be easy to get it back under the new renting laws
but as you have a property ( even if rented ) you won’t be able to claim any UC if you need it while waiting to get your house back

also if your kids want to go to uni it will be based on your joint income so they probably won’t get a full loan

I understand both sides but I just wouldn't do it anyway. Costs are only going one way and you'd lose some money which he obviously isn't going to replace (e.g. the childcare costs/UC). I think selling your home would be an enormous mistake.

I don’t think fun really comes into it when he would be financially covering the cost of 2 children that aren’t his and he’s only known a few years.

His family life, financial help etc are all irrelevant.
I wouldn’t be uprooting your children for a 3 year relationship anyway.
If you did 50/50 sounds fair given you have 2 children that aren’t his. It’s not his role as your boyfriend to provide for your children.

If anything he moves in with you, you split the bills but not the mortgage and that way you have more disposable money to save. Reevaluate after at least a year or two of living together before anyone sells anything.

I definitely see his side. He’ll be one person of a four person household, and by paying 50/50 he’s still over paying for his share technically.

however.

You would be an absolute fool to give up the security you have with your home by selling it and moving in with this man. If the relationship were to fail you’ve be fucked.

The children spend 50% of their time with their father so he is very involved, it isn't that there is no support from him.

I think you need to cost everything out and sit down with him and show him how much you have each month, with and without benefits and how far it will stretch. Once he sees in black and white that you will be on your bones whilst he will be quids in with his proposal he may be more open to finding a solution. Is it likely that your earning potential will increase?
I’d be very reluctant to give up my home in this situation.

I can see his perspective and if this was a male relative of mine this is the position I’d probably be advising, though maybe not to the bills repayment extreme. However OP the risk level sounds far too high for you and your children. You will actually be making yourselves poorer and should the relationship end you’ll potentially be in a less favourable place housing wise as no guarantee you can buy the equivalent plus you’ll have had the hits of moving costs - solicitors, sdlt etc

But you could also argue that 50:50 is still him contributing “more” because he’ll be 1 out of the 4 people in the house. He’s not the reason they’ll need more bedrooms, for example.

But, as I said upthread, even though I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, I wouldn’t make myself financially worse off if I was the OP.

Neither of you are wrong but I don't see how to make this situation work so you simply can't afford to live together. You don't have to break up with him over it, though.
I would elect to keep my own house at all costs. I know all too well how quicky a relationship can break down and ending up homeless with two kids is no fun at all.

I think you need to tell him that as much as you’d love to, you can’t afford to move in with him currently. And then just see how the relationship goes.

I understand about him not being responsible for OPs children but if he loves her and wants a future with her then he needs to factor in she has two children with no help from family or their father. And if he has no compassion for her situation - or for those children’s quality of life or future, then frankly he’s not the man for OP.

Who would want to live with someone they loved who was being pushed towards poverty whilst they rolled in money?

I'm afraid this screams disaster in waiting. You would be making yourself financially vulnerable for a man not ready or willing to marry you. At the moment you and your children have a home you own and are gradually paying off. You can afford your life, your mortgage and you are building security for you and your children. If you move in with this man you are giving up your home and also losing money, such that you will potentially be worse off by £100s a month. You will no longer be in a position to continue to build that security. You will be paying more for a life you can't afford (but he can), and are putting the security of you and your children entirely in his hands, with zero commitment from him. If it's 50:50 on everything, does that include socialising and holidays? How will you afford these? Will he be happy if you can no longer do things together because you are so much worse off? If you split, can he buy you out?

If this is non-negotiable from him, it says he is inflexible, unwilling to discuss, and unable to realise or appreciate the sacrifice you are making. Because it is a sacrifice. You are giving up a lot and it sounds like he doesn't see that. This does not sound like a partnership.

I’m really on the fence - I think it’s obvious you bring more costs to the relationship, there’s 3 of you and 1 of him! Your children are also likely to up the bills and require more rooms than potentially he would need if buying again on his own, they’re also likely to cost more as they get older. So realistically you and your DC are 75%, him 25% so he’d already be subbing you on 50/50.

However if he’s in a relationship with you, knows you have DC, knows about the earning disparity and still wants you to move in together I find it odd that he hasn’t considered the change in financial circumstances that would happen (e.g you losing child benefit and paying a higher mortgage). It seems like perhaps he doesn’t want to pay for your DC - which is totally within his rights - but he must surely understand that’s a barrier to living together?

I would remember that earning 3x your salary doesn’t automatically mean he takes home 3x your wage though. It sounds like he has a lot of savings, mortgage free flat etc - he’s possibly worried that he’s going to be taken advantage of financially and is being seen as a bit of a golden goose? Especially if he has family money too.

Don't move in

I can see both points of view ..you will be financially disadvantaged due to loosing benefits and having to sell your home, which gives you less security

However, from his point of view, if you don't do 50/50 he is paying more of the costs of living when you are not married and your children are not his financial responsibility

You don't need to move in together.

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

If you go 50/50 then he is subsidizing your kids as you’ll be living in a bigger house than he requires and your kids will get older and eat as much as an adult. He is right not to jump into financing your kids when their dad doesn’t.

Yanbu to want cohabitation and worry that you could be worse off financially. Even if he agreed to live in an area where you could afford 50% of the costs, he will be saving a lot of money and receiving gifts from his family they could cause you resentment. I suspect that he might be anti-marriage to protect his assets too if that’s something that you’d want?

I’m with him really. There’s no way I’d make myself financially responsible for another adult and their DC.

Op is it a bigger home or is it that the cost of houses has gone up?

I think he needs to go a bit further, I’d say put in in proportion to what you both earn. If he doesn’t want to help more than equal shares and is happy to have loads whilst you struggle it doesn’t sound particularly loving relationship to me. Also make sure you have a written plan for accommodation if you break up. I’d rather he paid for the home and kept all money if you break up and you keep and rent yours out. Lost benefits also need to be part of the conversation, they are there for a reason, that you e salary is not enough.

Your proportion of household costs is 75%, but you want to cover less than 50% of that? When you consider that you are probably going to buy a bigger home than he would need because of the children, I can see why he might baulk at your suggestion he pay substantially more of household costs. I’d say he is not being unreasonable to decline to support you and your children financially to that extent when he is not married to you. It’s simply not a wise decision for a financially stable person to make. If we flipped genders and a man with children was asking his female partner to do this (put herself in a financially worse off position by taking on the bulk of the financial burden for 2 children who are not hers), she’d be strongly advised not to.

What proportion of the costs you think he should pay?

If you did pay less and then split, would you be expecting 50% of the value of the property too?

On the other hand, I would say that it is also reasonable for you to conclude that you can’t afford to move in with him at the moment. Are there any compromises to be made- e.g. move to a cheaper area than planned? If not, then I think you just have to be upfront that the move is just not a financially wise thing for you to do right now.

I don’t know that that necessarily means you have to end your relationship, but that’s entirely up to you.

I just think any relationship with such a huge difference in income saying “oh it has to be 50/50” is mean and no fun

ah, yes, of course, thanks.

Presumably because he can afford his share of the new house deposit without selling anything whereas OP can’t.

Yes. The government sees a partner who has nothing to do biologically with the children as being part of the provider for the children and thus benefits (including child benefit if the household income is above a certain threshold) are stopped.

Nope I wouldn’t do this

He is well off and it seems like he would also like to get another half a house on the back of your and your children’s sacrifice

Your financial responsibilities are to your children only
They are only going to get more expensive

When I am I first moved in together he earned double what I did - so he paid rent and I paid bills about a 2/3 1/3 split
He also paid the bulk of going out costs
Because he loved me, us, money was to enable us to live not some excel worked out asset split grabby exercise

Stay as you are for now @Rainbowcat88

If your boyfriend loves you and the kids he needs to show it and that does mean, in my eyes, financially as well.

He isn’t asking you to get married is he? He is asking you to potentially have less money to live in a bigger house he gets the benefit from. And say you did split up? Right now it’s easy, but if your only asset is tied up with him it could be a painful process, plus house prices are flat at the moment, could go down, interest rates won’t fall. With inflation house prices are effectively dropping.

Right now you and your children have stable, financial, independent security. You need to keep this.

If he wants a bigger house he has plenty of cash and a flat to get one.

I would never ever ever put myself in this situation ever again. You’re making a big mistake and making yourself vulnerable.

Have him move into yours if you want to live together.

No decent man would want to put you in this position.