Financial arrangements moving in together

Good idea, however I suspect he might not be keen because the risk is more on him. Op would have a good exit strategy without much expenditure, him less so..He would have a family house, just for him.

Op, can you suggest this approach?

In our family it’s a percentage of the wage goes into the joint pot. Then we both had our own money. But everything house related, bill and child related comes out of that pot.

The exception is my car because DH does not drive and while he argues it’s a shared resource that he takes advantage of, ive always kept it separate. I used to earn the same as DH then less now more.

You need to talk to him more about how finances would work and if you get push back I would query why you want to move forward in this relationship because you will lose your safety net and independence.

Also ask yourself if you became pregnant, would he support you? Would he only look after the child that is his not your other ones? How is that going to make them feel as they grow up. What about inheritance? What about wills? What if something happens to you, will he ship your kids off to a foster home? You have to have answers to all these questions before you make a decision.

Op, could you realistically pay 50% for a bigger house, plus children costs, on your salary of just over £2k a month? Have you had a conversation about likely mortgage costs, council tax, utilities on a bigger house?

Buying and selling costs will eat into your equity so factor that in. If it didn't work out you would need to consider these costs.

He is in an excellent financial position and I guess must be very shrewd. I would question his commitment to contributions once married because his current stance doesn't suggest he is that flexible. What if you knew he would always keep finances separate, would you move in together?

His lack of empathy for your financial position, given he proclaims to love you, suggests finances will always be No1. Good for him but you are responsible for 3 people with a limited income so not in an equal position, which gives him more control in the relationship.

I see both sides here, and really it probably isn't the best time to move in together. My dp moved in when my dc were young but this did not affect me financially and he moved into my home which I continued to pay mortgage for, so risks to me were minimal, you are taking a gamble here, I would give it more time.

No.
No
No
Do not sell up.
He can move in with you for a12 month trial. He can rent a room out in hs flat to cover costs .
Then decide.

He sounds like an absolute arse.

He earns £100k plus, has huge savings, is mortgage free and expects his partner - earning £35k - to split the bills.

The only reason he should move in with you is if he wants the 4 of you to become a family, help you raise your kids ane provide for them.

Are you thinking of having a child with him, OP?

Paying 50% of the mortgage and bills would be financially contributing to the children though, given they need a substantially bigger house due to the two children and the increase of food and bills.
He would be 1 out of 4 people in the home but paying for 50%.

OP, you have children and your responsibility is to them first, and not to your desire for a second relationship.

You are managing on your own and are financially independent.

He is obviously focused on protecting himself financially and that means you loosing out.

Too many women take the leap and lose the security they once had and bitterly regret it.

He wants a relationship with you but it will be you who takes all the risk.

His finances mean he will be fine.
Living with someone else's children full time is very different to a few days regularly and it can very quickly be a deal breaker.

You need to realise that nothing should come ahead of your childrens home and security.

You wanting a new relationship is not the most important thing.

Have you thought about more children and how his family will treat your existing children?

So often they are no more than tolerated by your new in laws and largely excluded when it comes to blood only grandchildren gatherings.

Put your children first.

I don't think there is anything in it for you or your children to move in with him. You will be worse off financially as you will lose your child benefit, your income support and tax credits. You won't have your own property anymore so that's your kids security. You will be at the mercy of his goodwill and he's made it clear that he's going to be tight about money.
I think you should keep things as they are and live seperate.
Love is great etc, but there's more to consider than that.

Stay in your own house, DO NOT sell up. Concentrate on your kids when you've got them and with him, at each others houses, when you don't.

I think this is a good suggestion, but OP would still be much worse off as losing all benefits. I think his statement that all of this is "non negotiable" is a deal-breaker.

I also want to add if he's choosing a relationship with someone who has children and youl be living together, hel in effect be stepdad to the children. Yet sounds like he doesn't want to financially support the children, if he's thinking this way, he shouldnt have a relationship with someone who has children. You all come together as a package.

Possibly a bit left field, but how about you renting your house out and him taking on the new house in it's entirety, deposit, mortgage payments and upkeep? Sounds like he can afford to. Yes, you aren't gaining a financial interest in the new house, but you still have your own property, your monthly outgoings are less because you're only paying the mortgage you currently do, not a bigger one, and you have somewhere to go back to in the event of a split.
You do have all the associated risks/obligations of being a landlord to consider but it might at least be worth investigating?

I think its unreasonable that he will keep his house (safety net) while renting it out, but youd have to sell your house (safety net) I think this is too risky and personally I wouldn't do it. Couldn't you also rent out your home while you jointly buy another place ? Also as he is the higher earner I wouldn't accept everything to be 50/50. What also worries me is that he said it's non negotiable. If it were me, I would delay moving in together to think about it more before you make the step. You need to think about your financial safety for the future, especially as you have children and he does not.

I wouldn't move in with him and I would probably end the relationship. He has a much higher income than you and more assets, but the implication of his plan is that you will be MUCH worse off financially and he doesn't care at all. As far as 'I will cover the first 6 month's expenses and when you sell your house you can pay me back' - he can get to fuck. This man loves money. Stay in your house with your kids and tell him no to buying together. If the relationship falls apart, so be it.

There you have it. It's a no go for you.

Ah, good point, I didn’t take that bit in.

i still think the same though. She can’t afford to live with new man. And he needs to make be more flexible if he wants to be with her.

@Bonkers1966 it's not a stretch to think his own family maybe be saying this esp as op has two DC.

I would give it another year and really take time to think. It's almost as if he is being told you are a gold digger and has come up with this plan to prove you are not. Slow down.

Op you need to change your own expectations here.
Id enjoy the relationship for what it is ,forget moving in and just keep as you whilst continuing to build op your own finances.

If he pays for meals out for you two… and you expect this to continue - would you then expect him to pay for your kids meals out too - If you’re all out together ?

You are sounding quite grabby tbh .
And I think he’s having reservations and that’s why you never get beyond the discussion phase .

The trust deed should state what % deposit he paid and he should get the same % back should you split up. So say the house cost £500k and he paid £50k - 10% deposit, you split up 5 years later and sell the house for £600k and the mortgage outstanding is £400k, leaving equity of £200k, he should receive £60k back plus half of the remaining equity - £70k - for both of you.