Financial arrangements moving in together

But they need a house with two additional bedrooms to house OP’s kids. So
not sure why the new mortgage cost is his fault?

OP has said he is moving to an area he wouldn’t ordinarily live in, to accommodate OP’s family.

Him not cooking and cleaning is a separate issue, I wouldn’t move in with someone like that.

I would NEVER risk my children's home.
As suggested above.
Let the mean man move in ifbyou are determined to, and he can pay rent for bills etc.
He can rent an office space.

Absolute madness to even consider risking your childrens home for a mean man that lives free at yours 3 days a week and sometimes buys you a pub meal, and sees keeping a home clean beneath him.
You must be sadly desperate.
Madness.

OP has already said she will be worse off. Her half of the new mortgage will be more than her current mortgage. Doubtful whether halving the bills will offset the loss of top up benefits and child benefit. He's already having a laugh financially. He eats at OP's house often. Doesn't cook or contribute to food. Takes her for the odd pub meal. He doesn't clean and doesn't plan to clean. How much more do you need to know? He earns 3 times as much but will pay 50%. The children are only with OP every other week.

Would she be worse off?

Currently she pays 100% of bills with some UC and child benefit.

Living with someone means she will be making significant savings on bills, which should make up for the UC and CB.

I'm not saying he should pay for all their clubs, childcare etc but someone that would begrudge paying towards a child's share of rent, heating etc when they more than have the means to do so,

He will be paying 50% of bills even though there’s one of him and three of OP’s family. How much more do you want him to pay?!

If it was a father and his two kids moving in with OP, would you expect OP to pay more than 50%?

I think this is a bit harsh. Op will be significantly worse off by moving in with him. He could at least acknowledge that. I really don't see what OP is getting out of this arrangement - certainly not a better standard of living it seems.

Which is fair enough. He’s let the OP he’s not offering the full Cinderella package, he’s laid out what he’s prepared to pay for and how OP has to work out if this is what she wants.

He doesn’t want to sell his flat and he’s happy for OP to use some of her house proceeds to pay for the deposit or some of it, leaving her in a vulnerable place. He loves money but not spending it, so it’s not a question of him being able to buy a four bedroom house (although a four bedder in some parts of the south east would be a stretch even with his earnings and a £250k deposit). He just doesn’t want to.

You think a high earner with a mortgage free property and £250k in the bank requires someone on £35k to buy a bigger home?

I think he’s using you to get a four bedroom house, quite frankly.

He may well be testing you to see if you’re with him for the right reasons (ie not money). Explain to him as you have here how you will be worse off financially. That he will surely understand.. and just say for that reason it doesn’t work for you.

Honestly op, I just wouldn’t do this. There’s so much inequality. It’s just a recipe for disaster. I wouldn’t be giving up my assets for such a risky relationship

You try it out without all the commitment stuff.
Rent and see how it goes.
Your kids should be your number one priority- don’t mess it up.

Yes you’re correct but you should be able to trial living together without having to give up the security of owning your home.

He has the upper hand financially and if things were to go wrong it wouldn’t matter to him much and he’d just return to the propert he owns yet yours and your children lives would be turned upside down.

If he really cared for you he’d be willing to move into your home you’re in now for a year to see how you all get on. The whole needing an extra room as an office can be worked around. He’s just using that as an excuse.

Things are different if you have dc. Trial it and see

How much of his savings has he said he’s going to use towards the deposit?

No way would I move in with someone with my two kids without marriage.

But her boyfriend has already said he won’t do that so your situation was different. He’s saying 50/50 is as far as he’ll go. That’s the whole issue here, that OP is risking her kids stability and being worse off financially as well. She’ll struggle to save anything and will be trapped by this arrangement should it not pan out.

You absolutely need to live together first. He can move into yours, contribute 50:50 whilst renting an office space locally.

It will be eye opening for you both.

This was the same as me 30 years ago, my DH have had only one disagreement about money in all those years.

DH earned much more than me when we met, as I was also claiming benefits as a single mum like the OP, and we have been together for 18 years, we're very happy now and have 2 more dcs. He never expected me to contribute to the household costs when we got married and moved in together, we combined finances immediately and never divided up costs or thought too hard about what my dcs cost or how we'd split things if the relationship ended. There's no reason a relationship between a couple with a large financial disparity shouldn't work out; for most people relationships are about an emotional connection and not a financial and practical transaction.

OP I'd just say listen to your instincts, if you're feeling doubtful then don't proceed, but if you are feeling content don't be too influenced by naysayers.

Also, the comment about him requiring a "higher standard of cleanliness" than the OP........?

I think the idea of a trial of living together at yours, even with the lack of space, is a good idea. Even a few weeks will open his eyes to the reality of living with someone else’s dc, and you will see the reality of the situation, and how it might play out.

@Rainbowcat88 you're not seeing the full picture here and I think it sounds more than fair.

• There are three of you and one of him, so 50/50 is a bargain. If you were making it fair it would be 75/25 with you paying the bigger share.
• You would get to live in a bigger house which would have cost you more anyway if you were to do that on your own.
• The CB can be given to your ex.
• The loss of universal credit would be met by sharing mortgage/living costs.
• You get a cleaner so no housework!

Sounds like this guy has his head screwed on financially and has thought this through. Are you 100% sure he doesn't want kids? Ever?

I think I'd still trial full time living together before buying though.