Financial arrangements moving in together

Completely agree that financial compatibility and equality are really important in a relationship.

I don’t think all single parents would expect a new partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids. Especially when, in OP’s case, their own father has 50% responsibility for them.

No, he doesn’t. OP is an adult, and he can trust that she’s capable of making up her own mind.

He’s let her know what he’s willing to compromise, and to offer. If it doesn’t suit OP, then she is free to say no.

The real question for you, OP, isn’t whether it’s fair (I think it is, and verging on generous considering there’s 3 of you) but whether it’s affordable for you. You can’t afford to move in with him on terms he’s happy with, so that’s that.

How do you think the relationship will progress/improve by living together, that can’t happen living apart?

Then he needs to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have any children and earns/has assets similar to his. That is the only way to be 50/50. I certainly would not dream of expecting a single mother with no savings to go 50/50 on a new house with me if I was sitting on a quarter mill and had a wealthy background.

So to show he values the relationship, he has to sub her and her kids? What if he values equality in a relationship? What if he values not being seen as a cash cow?

Have you made any proposals to him such as you want to own the house 50/50 but due to loss of UC etc can he cover council tax or whatever?

And I’m telling you his proposal isn’t fair. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose - which tends to be what happens in cases such as this. If you want to risk yours and your children’s financial, emotional and mental security for this man then good luck to you.

I will genuinely never understand why people start relationships with people who have children and then expect to carve their finances up in these ridiculous ways as their relationships progress. He knew you had children when you started dating didn’t he? What did he think was going to happen if you became serious?

You and your children are a unit, and I would not under any circumstances be prepared to risk mine and their financial security by attaching myself to a man like this. Think of the future OP: he’s going to count every penny. Are you prepared to have yourself and your children treated as second class citizens your entire lives by this man? What if you have a child with him? Will he lavish money on “his” child and leave yours to just watch? What will that do to your children’s self esteem and their relationships with their sibling(s)? What if you become ill and need to stop work for a while? What if one of your children become ill and need you? This man is asking a single mother to risk everything while he risks nothing. Absolutely not.

Do not move in with him before marriage.

I mean you can live in a 2 million pound apartment or a 200K 2 up 2 down, why do you think a house is the ultimate goal for everyone? I live in the middle of a European capital city in an apartment, for the money that's worth I could buy a house in the suburbs but I won't because my kids are grown and I prefer to live where there's hustle and bustle. OPs partner wouldn't buy in her area if it wasn't for OP because it's not his prefered area.

I note in all your posts you haven’t said who’s going to own the house - hasn’t this been discussed?

Plenty of single people live in two or three bedroom houses, especially if they’re high earners like him.

What’s your point? Mine is that he’s tight and obsessed with money. Also the flat has smaller outgoings than a four bedroom house, so better for him with his miser mindset.

He already owns a home that he’s paid the mortgage off on.

He foots the bill in restaurants because he wants to go to places she can’t afford and wants to go out more often.

The idea of someone having to ‘take on’ children that aren’t their own is sad to me. He knew she had children when she met him. He didn’t meet them for a year. They apparently love him and him them. But they aren’t his responsibility. Does that just end with financial support? Or emotional support?

To me, the entire process appears to be fixated on protecting what is HIS. Making sure he is not out of pocket in any respect. The OP is questioning whether to stay in the relationship. I would be too.

I’m happy to agree to disagree with you.

He’s willing to move to a different area and buy a bigger house than he would need to accommodate the OP and her children.

So why do you think he hasn’t already bought a house when he could have easily done so? Because he’s been waiting for someone to move in with to pay 50/50 with bills - financially he massively benefits because he has a load of disposable income every month, as he has now.

Hes willing to move to a different area and buy a bigger house than he would need to accommodate the OP and her children.

The OP has already stated that they eat out regularly and he foots the bill for them all.

Having the mindset that hes a red flag because he won’t financially support her children is wrong. These children have two parents financially supporting them, why do they need a third?

OP has already stated that her kids currently share a bedroom and their lives and home are going to be massively upgraded because of the OPs partner buying this new house.

Is it not enough for step parents to be asked to live with and take on children that aren’t their own which is difficult enough, you want to add on the fact they have to take on the financial burden of them.

They’ll all be living under the same roof for 50% of the time. What happens if they go out for a meal? Should she pay 3/4 of the bill and 3/4 of the tip? Or would that be halved? Family holidays? Is that all pro rata? Because he’s absolutely not viewing them as a family unit. Everyone to their own but I couldn’t accept that. When someone is SO blatantly money focused I believe it’s only the visible tip of a selfish iceberg. She earns considerably less than him. She will lose her UC & child benefit but he’s not seeing any of that … he wants 50/50 and essentially zero commitment to her dependents.