DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

You’ve put massive parental controls in place by refusing to let her have a phone at all.

Honestly.

She's not pushing it, as it's clear it's a non negotiable and you've got a reply for every arguement.

You're not creating an open dialogue with your teen. It won't be just the phone though is it.

I imagine you are as closed mineded on all your opinions.

Good luck with your post 18 relationship with your dd.

I doubt you'll see her for dust.

@LuckyJadeMember which phone does your DD have? We’re not giving our DD a smartphone either until she’s 16 if we can help it.

The research is growing as to how unhealthy they are.

Interesting OP

Your sister is out of line.

FWIW my DD15 has very strict restrictions on her phone due to her being given a smart phone end of year 6 and unfortunately just became completely addicted to the phone very quickly. We tried lots of incentives for her to lower her screen time but she just couldn’t do this herself and we noticed she became very difficult to be around after scrolling on her phone for hours.

We have since then activated the content and privacy restriction toggle (with a screen time password) so she can’t download any new apps. And there are very strict time controls on the apps we have jointly agreed she can download. However, she has unlimited music, travel apps, news etc.

The interesting thing is that most of her friends have similar parental control settings on their phones and a couple of her friends have no social media apps on their phones at all. She has a great social life as do her friends with zero social media.

Interestingly, she happened to be out with a group and of girls she doesn’t normally hang out with last weekend and she commented when she got home that it was quite a different experience from how she usually socialises with her friends. She said alL the girls were lovely, but she was stunned how they all sat individually at their social event on their phones. Apparently, just occasionally one of them would share an in joke on tik tok they’d all say the in joke (like 6 7 hahaha) then they all carried on staring at their phones.

My DD likes these girls but said she finds it really difficult to hang around with groups who are addicted to their phones because they don’t, generally, have proper conversations.

This may just be my DD’s school experience but I suppose it makes sense. Phones are hugely addictive, so all those kids that have unlimited access will likely find the phone and social media’s influence and in jokes their common ground so they make friends with other kids who scroll for hours. And visa versa.

Not all teens have social media but some parents think it’s social suicide not to have a smart phone but it really isn’t. Perhaps the reverse is true.

I'm honestly baffled that people are having a go at you for not getting your child a smartphone. Has all the stuff around a smartphone free childhood passed them by? All the young adults who say they wish they'd never had access to social media when they were teens? Parental controls can only do so much. Yes she'll probably want and need a phone when she's a bit older, but it's not essential. I know a couple of people my age (40s) who have gone back to a basic phone and they seem to be managing fine.

OP, go with it. Your sister is mad, both to encourage phone use and to buy such an expensive one.

Personally, I wouldn't make the choices that you're making. I preferred to let my dd have the latest technology and to support her to learn how to manage her own relationship with it. As a young adult, she is certainly not a slave to her phone and she is well aware of the need to manage her usage, but she does find it very useful for many different purposes.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter if I or others disagree with your stance. It doesn't even matter if your sister disagrees with your stance. Ultimately, you are the parent and it's your decision. Your sister presumably knew how you felt and she should never have very bought the iPhone without consulting you first.

Do you give your family members such expensive presents, OP, must cost a fortune if you have a few to give to

To use the much hated on MN phrase ‘DH said…’…. But DH is one of these 😁 honestly I watched so many of DS’s friends zombied on their phones walking out of (primary!!!!) school yesterday, not looking where they’re going, walking into people, into the road, it’s a totally different world they get sucked back into instantly.

You’re a burnt out grandparent, surely.

Shocking that people are saying give her a smartphone because she will stick out like a sore thumb, and calling her a teenager rather than a child. She is a child. She does not need a smart phone, and she has not asked for one. They are extremely addictive and dangerous, surely we all know this by now. We are all addicted to them as a society, and watching children OP's daughters age walk along scrolling not talking to their friends is not a childhood. I am in my late 20s with a young child and there is a growing movement amongst my age group to give our children phone free childhoods. Hold out for as long as you can OP, more and more parents are choosing this and collectively can make a difference despite what some people say.

I found my old Filofax from when I was travelling around Australia recently.

It had a notebook, an Australian guidebook and paper maps of a few cities.

I was 19 and travelled the whole way around Brisbane to Adelaide (via Sydney and Melbourne).

It made me realise how many skills I’ve traded in for convenience by being so reliant on my phone now.

It was a time capsule and a real wake up call. Now I get panicky if I go to a neighbouring city and my phone dies!

There’s a huge backlash against smartphones in the naice areas around here. It’s seen as a bit scummy to give them to under 16s, terrible parenting etc. My children are older (early 20s) and giving them smartphones was seen as the normal thing to do but they agree wholeheartedly with their aunt who isn’t giving their cousin one until he’s 16.

You’re ahead of the curve OP so don’t worry about it.

Replace the iPhone in the scenario with anything else and any sane person will tell you it’s not’s SIL’s place to give something you’ve already said she can’t have. Undermining you.

Phones are so bad for growing brains, the research is clearly showing the damage it can do. I’d say if she isn’t too bothered then great. It’s addictive, delay it as much as you can. My dd’s are older now, they didn’t get smartphones until they were maybe 14/15 and they didn’t have tiktok. Luckily my eldest listens to me when I talk to her about research I’ve read about the downfalls of smartphones and she’s really listening. She’s now reading more and spends far less time on her phone.

For anyone interested there’s a great podcast episode from diary of a ceo Steven Bartlett talking to two Dr’s about brain rot/scrolling and smartphones. Dated 16 feb. An eye opener and also terrifying.

ETA - your sister needs to mind her own business!

Haha ok if you believe that 🤣

💯

But it seems 40% of overnight MNers know better so perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it's a really dangerous addiction to put in the hands of anybody!

OP ur the parent. Your sister should have checked with you first. Giving a 14 yr old a £800 phone is madness. Also I agree with you - my DD won't be getting a smart phone till she is 16. She is nearly 12 now and will have a dumb phone till then. I do not want her scrolling through the absolute shite there is online and on social media. We have tablets and laptops at home to use. At the moment she happily spends her weekends crafting. If I give her a phone now she would be spending hours of the day lookking at nonsense on tiktok.

Mine didnt get them till they were 16 and only on the understanding that they paid the bills .

What a generous gift your sister tried to give!

So many of the CEO’s of phone companies and app developers don’t allow their teenagers to have smartphones.

It’s a really dangerous addiction to put in the hands of a child.

It sounds like you are tech averse and are pushing this on to your daughter. I am 66 and have a smart phone and lots of stuff is more convenient with it like banking, travel, whats app communications,music, news, emails when out and about, maps plus of course phones and camera. At 15 the majority of her friends will have one and the reason she may not be pushing is because she knows you are dead set against them. As an adult I am surprised you don’t have one. Many airlines are doing away with paper boarding passes and train tickets are so much easier with one.

Personally I would get her a smart phone with controls but not an expensive one so you can see how she uses it with supervision. What is the mentality not allowing her one? They are not only used for social media. Your Dsis was overstepping to get her one without asking you and I don’t think it was great to knock your gifts as you know your DD best but I would have a discussion with your DD to find out whether she really doesn’t want to be like her friends or is just trying to keep you happy.

Was wondering the same

I know 15 year olds with smartphones who would be delighted with OP's presents. It's a trend to have those digital cameras (there is a filter on Snapchat to replicate the format and digital time stamp). And at least with an MP3 player she owns the music.

I think it’s interesting how many people are tying themselves in knots trying to tell OP she’s a bad parent for not letting her daughter have a smartphone.

I knew these people existed - my son’s school is ‘smartphone free’ (as in no smartphones on the premises at all) and I’d heard that they get a lot of pushback from parents on it, which I always thought was bizarre.

Hi op must of DC chats are on what's app etc how does she keep in the loop with her friends ?