To find managing my DC’s mental health overwhelming?

I’ve felt like this sometimes. It’s hard. One of my children in particular has delicate mental health and usually won’t discuss it but sometimes will suddenly open up, so on those occasions I feel I must seize the opportunity to talk. Difficult when that means we end up talking till 2am and I still have to be up at 6 for work and to get my youngest ready for school.

Also, to my shame, I sometimes have a feeling of “what about me? No one listened to me when I was a child/young!” But I suppose that’s the point. No one did listen, and it’s taken me most of my adult life to get to grips with my own issues. I don’t want my kids to have that experience.

This has also been my experience, my DS was hospitalised for suicidal ideation and all we were offered was to go on a six month waiting list for six sessions of counselling. You have to be very unwell indeed to get on the CAHMS waiting list.

I know just where you are coming from OP (and others), this has been my life for coming up to 6 years.

Even though DD is getting much much better (through therapy) I still get this sometimes, especially when I have been away for a few days, which happens regularly due to elderly parents.

You need something for yourself - i joined a choir, it really helps me.

Talking about anything important before bedtime is the worst possible time because it's the time when people are tired and tend to be negative about everything and unwilling/unable to see any positivity.
Agree in advance on another more suitable time for a chat and stick to it.

Look up CBT techniques, learn how to challenge their negative thoughts and hopefully with time it will start to make a difference. It is very draining to be dragged down into negativity all the time, for everyone involved.

Another important thing is to get them physically active as much as possible. Spending time in nature also works wonders for your mood.

Good luck!

Nervous , sad and tired get you nothing( you wouldn’t even get near an CAMHs wait list for that)even an attempt on your life gets you very little.

It’s a myth that children who don’t need help are hoovering up services others need. Kids are being left with nothing across the board and then when conditions get severe it’s a battle to get the help that is needed.

The whole sector is woefully under funded and has been for some time.

Lots of good points on this thread. I have been through a very difficult period with my DS. Two books that really helped me were Never Let Go and How To Talk So That Teens Will Listen. Both focus on empowering the child so that you as the parent are not trying to come up with all the answers. And resourcing yourself so you don’t burn out.

i also found it really helped to talk to people IRL so it didn’t feel like some awful secret.

Perhaps, but there would be more of the limited resources to go around (and by used by people that actually need it) if we stopped trying to make every emotion a medical issue.

Nervous does not always equal anxiety.
Sad does not always equal depression.
Tired isn't always burnout.

Perhaps if we started by re teaching our children the correct terminology for their feelings (rather than the medical terms used way further down the line) they would be allowed to build up the resilience required to get through life without needing their parents as an emotional crutch.

CBT is seen as the gold standard for OCD.

This is really helpful- what type of therapy gave you these tools @Perimenoanti? Was it CBT?

I like that idea.

to put it simply, think of their issues and emotions as ‘hot potato’ - they need someone to hold it for them it’s too hot. So you hold it but don’t absorb it. She talks about strategies to help them work out what to do with the hot potato when you give it back.
it’s helped me so much!
she also talks about when you should be worried x

I also think the problem with these long emotional conversations is that they can leave the recipient drained and without the bandwidth for other parts of the relationship. These other parts are equally important.

There was a really sad thread from an OP who had been doing so much emotional caretaking for her adult child that she was burnt out. The adult child said that they didn't feel like their mother enjoyed their company but it's obvious why this happened.

As parents you have to be there for your children but it's going to ruin the relationship if you get yourself into an unsustainable situation with managing their emotions. Normal relationship activities like chatting about stuff and enjoying activities together are also a part of coping and getting through bad times.

But the fact is there is next to no MH provision now so parents are being left to manage quite severe conditions, which then get even worse.

OP have you read Untangled by Dr Lisa Damour? It’s the single most important and helpful parenting book I’ve ever read!
one of the things she talks about in the book is the idea of ‘hot potato’ - I’ve copied the overview below:

"Hot potato" is a concept from psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour describing how teenagers manage intense, uncomfortable emotions by dumping them on parents, leaving the adult feeling stressed or angry. Parents are advised to "hold" this emotional distress without absorbing it, acting as a calm container rather than reacting.

Key aspects of the "Hot Potato" concept:
The Mechanism: Teenagers, overwhelmed by their own feelings, unconsciously pass their stress to parents, often leaving the parent feeling "burned" by the emotion while the teen becomes detached.
Purpose: It is a, often unconscious, way for teens to get help with difficult emotions they cannot manage on their own.
Parental Response: Instead of getting angry, Dr. Damour suggests recognizing this behavior as typical development and allowing the teen to vent, while staying calm to help them process the emotion.
Context: This concept is a staple of Dr. Damour's advice on adolescent emotional regulation, often discussed in her books like Untangled and her podcast Ask Lisa.

Yep, am I the only one on here who never told my parents anything. Now my kids tell me every aspect of their life

I personally think we have gone way too far now with the endless talking about mental health.

We shouldn't really need to have hours long discussions every time we feel nervous (anxiety is a medically diagnosed condition and the term is over used). Nor should every friendship blip require a detailed run down with a parent before bed (excellent way to extend bedtime and get more parental attention though).

The vast majority of children & adult children probably don't actually need to keep bothering their parents with the minutiae of their daily lives but they have been bombarded by the media to the point they believe every feeling is of vast importance and must be shared freely despite the never ending loop just feeding the 'anxiety'.

Of course, there are people with mental health issues that do need that level of input but I would argue that is beyond most parents capabilities, the people that do need that level of care should be receiving medical help. On a population level a bit of 'stiff upper lip ' would go a long way.

I think it's amazing that your DC can talk to you about this kind of stuff and that's going to be what ultimately protects their mental health going forwards. I've had ongoing mental health issues that started in my teens and have lasted decades. In my teens I had literally no one to talk to about it and my parents, whilst well-meaning, were ultimately baffled and ashamed of me and didn't (and still don't) want to hear about it because it makes them feel bad. It's that feeling of being completely alone with my difficulties that has made the issues become more ingrained/sustained. It might be hard work now, but I'm so glad for your DC that they have you. Your DH needs to step up and do his bit though. If he's not great at the chats maybe he could take on the research?

Edited as I meant to quote @mumsickles

Has she experienced someone she loved dying? Because I have and its obviously very hard but what you ultimately realise is no-one really dies. They are physically not there any more but their influence lives on in everyone they knew who cared for them. And science tells us that though they're physical form is not there any more all ther atoms still exist and they just move along and become part of new things within our wonderful world.

The most important things in life are to love your friends and to take care of our planet as we are all actually a part of the plant, not seperate entities and entirely interconected.

OCD doesn’t respond to that, it’s debilitating.

Like a PP, we use

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat
If everyone hates you, sleep
If you hate yourself, shower
And if everyone hates everyone, go outside

I think that you need to have your limits here OP. It's not ok for you to just be the family's emotional dustbin. These young people need to at least try to learn some coping strategies that they can do by themselves and if that's not possible then they need professional input.

We don’t know the cause or severity re the op’s children. I grew up up in the 80s and managed MH difficulties alone. I tried the same approach as you suggest with my dc but things got worse- a lot worse. They are young people growing up in a 2026 world not a 1980/90s world.

I don't recall ever really talking with my parents about my feelings. I grew up in the 90's and for most of us, our parents provided a home/food/transport but otherwise we relied on our friends to talk about our feelings, or just didn't talk about them at all! I think if I'd gone to my Mum at 16 saying I was feeling anxious, she'd have said 'well its part of life, you just need to get on with it.'

The world has changed dramatically. I'm not saying my Mum did it 'right' but I think there needs to be a balance between listening/providing advice and then just letting your child sort it out themselves. If you're always there to listen and save the day, then how does a child ever build resilience or their own problem solving skills?

A controversial POV no doubt..

Also I carry a lot of the load too. I think this is common. Try not to let it come between you as a united front is better. I didn’t realise but my dh was carrying other loads.

I can totally relate. My children are ND and all have and still struggle with serious MH problems.

I would say try to get some peer support if you can. We have a charity I use that has been life changing. A couple of things I’ve learnt is to validate and show that you care but not to get pulled in. Only they can get themselves well. Also it’s ok to set boundaries eg to say we can chat but I need my sleep too so will need to put some tins limits in place.

With OCD I found the constant going over worries with me was almost me enabling it iykwim. One of my dc is making good progress with OCD by having therapy and high levels of Sertraline alongside. I think that’s the gold standard but we are having to go private.