To find managing my DC’s mental health overwhelming?

Have been in the same position with one of mine. Since about the age of 15 and now 22. Used to only confide in me. So draining and created so much worry for me. Worried they would kill themselves. Dread the long drawn out conversations, going round in circles because they wouldn't listen to any advice, just constant negativity with me feeling useless as not being to provide any answers.
It's got a bit easier as they've got older.

The same in that they would only talk to me about it when they're dad wasn't around and I couldn't tell him about it as I couldn't trust him not to mention it. It was a heavy weight to carry at times. Sometimes I'd be scared returning home to what I might find. I had to ask if they had any intention of self harming as often had the conversation where I was told that they didn't have the choice to be born and didn't want to be here. They told me that they wouldn't self harm but the fear made me very anxious and sick to the stomach.

The only advice I can give is that at least they are talking to you. You have to detach yourself a little bit at times for your own wellbeing.Mine would sometimes apologise later for being so negative so had some insight. I didn't mind them talking to me about it, it was the intensity and the going over the same ground over and over that was exhausting. I still worry about them but not to the extent I did. As they get to adulthood, you can be there for them but ultimately they have to take some responsibility towards helping themselves.

Yes I agree. It’s great to listen to your children, let them reflect on their day and their worries, but there do have to be boundaries in place. To protect the adult and to give the child a sense of perspective and a way to limit their ruminations. I’ve got a friend who has listened to her child’s every worry and made her the number one in the family. She walks on egg shells at all times and the child is now in her thirties and totally ruling the roost. Moderation is key

@GoldilocksIsALittleSod and @MJagain

Posting tropes that MH issues are inability to deal with ‘ordinary emotions’ and if DC struggle it’s down to parenting.

Gosh your DD sounds just like mine - it is very draining.

This. This and more this.

No absolutely not because it is destructive but mainly because he is also actually properly trained to deliver mental health care.

I feel like this basic advice should be drilled into parents of kids starting school, both primary and secondary . SO many issues could prevented by proper, age appropriate, parenting

I like this!

My son suffered with bad anxiety when he was 9. It was getting worse and worse. I found something called SPACE treatment. I had unknowingly been accommodating his anxiety and making it worse. Within 2 weeks of changing how I dealt with him, there was a huge improvement. The book is called Breaking free of child anxiety and ocd. I'd really recommend giving it a try.

To be honest, I think it is good they confide in you! The kids I have known who struggled the most is those who would not have spoken to their parents. Talking is healing. I think maybe learn to do some meditation/Yoga etc with them, put on a nice candle, try and make it an enjoyable healing time for both of you. It is possible they are just seeking that closeness with you so if you can turn it into something positive, that would be good. Or make sushi together etc, go for a walk when the weather gets better. Or bake some banana bread healthy cookies. A lot of kids that age are sad to be leaving childhood behind and there is a lot of stress at school these days. It should not be draining for you though, more a time to bond with them.

Yes I can relate. But, I take absolutely nothing to do with other essential household runnings so it seems fair as neither of us feel it is an efficient use of time to try and develop equivalent competency in either skillset. If either of us did need support we know we could ask and try our best but really it's more likely to be moral than practical

OP, it was a done thing in the 90s and before but coping alone is not normal either. I am going to guess you did not have a good model for emotional regulation either and are now doing the other extreme with your kids where there is endless talking and dumping. A lot of this is on you as you probably didn't know how to set boundaries around that and teach something else.

If you are somehow able to, I do very much believe in fixing the parent before trying to fix the child. The child is just a carrier of what's not going so well in the family. Once you are able to handle yourself differently you will automatically model that to your children. And your husband too, he does not get a free pass and really should step up and go with the times. You do not have to be any kind of therapist to your children. You should learn better skills for yourself to then pass on with ease.

I can relate. My dd14 has a natural anxious/ over thinking disposition. She told me of several friends self harming and didn’t want to do this but had throughly about it. I got her a therapist last year and after about 12 sessions she’d improved loads. If you can afford it/ access it I would recommend it. The experience was positive (she hated going but felt better after).

If I were you, I would go on the side of teaching them about mental health and how people in general can manage it. And go through the different emotions/scenarios, exploring different methods of dealing with them. Then they will have some tools to manage it themselves. It could take some of the weight off you

i have an autistic DD who info dumps and I put timed boundaries in place for that when I became overwhelmed by it.

It’s also important that children learn about emotions and how to deal with them. Lots of primary schools use Zones of Emotion for this so that children learn to recognise and self regulate, and will need support when learning. Taking personal responsibility for not just our physical health but our mental health is vital.

I have observed many parents do not like to see their child upset in any capacity and will try to solve it (and stop the emotional response) rather than support the child through it. If children don’t learn how to cope and parents prevent it by solving it for children, they can grow up not having these skills.

Obviously, anything more serious on the mental health scale needs a professional approach. It is also worth considering that neurodiversity has an impact on emotional regulation.

https://zonesofregulation.com/

I don't think I am 'dismissing' anything by saying those that struggle with acute, diagnosable mental health conditions should be able to get help whilst those who are able to manage their own perfectly normal emotions should do so.
There will always be people that simply cannot 'do life' without medical intervention however the majority of us should be able to cope without dumping our every thought/feeling on our parents from the age of 4-64.
We need a majority self sufficient population so those who cannot manage self sufficiency are able to get help.

Please source this? This is counter everything I have been told including by the national centre of excellence.

@loveandlive and I bet her therapist doesn't let her ruminate either.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. I was struck by what you said about not going out much - and suspect you don’t get much time for yourself. It is very hard to carve that out at times - but you can’t pour from an empty cup so please don’t burn yourself out! Even small breaks - a walk with a friend, an hour to read or something. Can your DH help support that so you can recharge a bit now and then?
Keep going - parenting is a roller coaster for many of us x

I actually do have experience of what you are speaking of because I have two children with ASD but like I said in my other post my intervening to the degree I was with particularly my eldest daughters mental health issues was actually making the situation worse.

She was using me to vent unproductively basically ruminate onto and then she was expecting me to solve the issues and then taking it out on me when obviously I couldn’t solve her issues.

Stepping back and being her mother and not her therapist and getting her a much more boundaried therapist who was much better at not getting stuck in rumination cycles with her and did some other excellent work with her around her issues turned out to be much more productive for her and healthy for both of us.

She tips in and out with him as she needs for heal health support and we still have plenty of discussions we just don’t do the unproductive ruminating anymore.

That sounds draining.

what therapy are they having? What hobbies do they do? How much exercise are the getting? How well do they eat?

You said you are not getting out much. Are they?

Do they read in an evening? Having them switch off all electronics and read a novel in the evening might help to refocus their minds.

Not just the NHS

https://www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/ocd-treatment/

Do you ever end the meeting with a solution that you want to see next time?

My teen is 15. When she was about 6 she had a hugggeeee anxiety related to the future. I found that so difficult as she was so young yet so scared of something that was made worse by her imagination. Back then, I would give her all the time she needed to talk to me about it and process it. But one thing I have told her for years and I still tell her now is “what are we (mainly you) going to do about it to change it?”

When she was young it might have looked like writing. We did a lot of “when this thought comes, think this”. The same way kids are normally taught “if you are encountered with something you don’t like, tell the person stop, and if it’s physical hold your hand out”

Eventually the fear subsided. It was weeks if not months in the process.

Now as a teen, she does come to me with things she doesn’t want. Or feelings that are big. We talk them through and then we think about actions.

Example she had very bad acne, it was getting her down. We spent a while getting advice and shopping for safe products, but actually she took matters into her own hands and started learning about products herself, researching routines with me. I told her I have different skin to her, and she will need to spend her life getting to know her skin. I can’t do it for her. But I can guide and for now, buy what’s appropriate. And although now our issue is getting rid of dark spots - we will have another solution driven approach to it. And it’s not causing her distress, it’s a problem she has, and we will solve it.

I am no psychologist - but someone who experiences sadness deeply, but have done lots with my life, and I honestly think our children need to hear more about how much they can do. The tools that they have to change their world if they live in a decent part of the the world. Abit of going out there to see how the other side live so they know they are not worse off (I used to bring my daughter to work I did in the community, and it was so humbling). And that it’s normal to feel sad, but it’s an emotion that shows you something needs to change. And they need to work things out for themselves. And be rewarded so they become adults that can solve problems.