No, just fuck off!

A lot of alcoholics seem to be selfish (my dad was one). My dad apparently gave up booze for 15 years but when he divorced his third wife got back on it. I’m not saying they can’t give up but it ruined my mum’s marriage and she divorced him.

I don’t have much sympathies for alchoholics, it’s largely a lifestyle choice and it’s often their families that suffer more than they do from the effects of her drinking.
Its very hard to leave an alcoholic if you have children, however much you despise them and their behaviour, because you know at some point, that the alcoholic waster will have your kids unsupervised, meaning that at best they are mildly neglected or at worst they are being driven about by a pissed up parent or the house burns down and the pissed up parent is not in a fit state to get your children out of it.
Its not as simple as ‘just leave him’

I voted YABU for the simple reason that you're still with him. Why keep banging your head against a brick wall? Leave, already. Or, certainly make plans to leave.

It doesn't sound like you like or want to support him OP so not sure why you are with him?

If he has gone through trauma then that's quite significant and healing from that should be a focus.

You have no control over his drinking, focus on what you can control - your own life and wellbeing, we’re so buried in partner’s addiction that fighting to climb out of the abyss to daylight feels impossible but it’s fundamental to your mental and physical health and chance of a future away from the madness, all the time you stay with an alcoholic you’re living in their insanity

I have always hated the word functioning. I had some counselling and my counsellor asked, 'yes, but who is he functioning for?' and I realised that he functioned for himself, but as his his alcoholism progressed he functioned less and less for others and his family and his world got smaller and smaller. The last few years I saw a significant cognitive decline in my husband, I still have no idea how is holding on to this six figure job!

He doesn't sound like he's paricularly 'functioning'

His primary relationship is with alcohol, once I understood this about my ex partner everything made so much more sense.

My husband was like this. I was supportive and did everything and every six months or so had a supportive conversation to him about how his drinking needed to be addressed. I have since learnt that this is co dependency, because I made his life easier, he was able to continue. I left him a year ago and had absolutely underestimated the influence he had on our lives and how anxious it made me. My life is still challenging but I am on the up and the best bit is that my future is down to me, not down to whether he gets help. One of the things I find it difficult to forgive is that he NEVER tried to give up.
He is also now going around telling people he's drinking much less because being married to me made him drink. This isn't actually true, but all part of the lies. I recommend, whatever decision you make (whether to stay or leave) that you consider attending Al-Anon meetings, you may find support and help here.

It’s not that easy to just leave though is it? Go where? How many of us can comfortably support a move to a new home on our own? That’s without even bringing children into the equation. A bed sit or house share isn’t a realistic solution.

I'm sorry for your situation OP, and im also sorry that you’ve had simplistic and belligerent bickering on your thread.

i hear your frustration and I agree with the “trauma” excuse / reasoning. I think you’ve had a fortunately lucky life if you made it to middle age without experiencing a degree of trauma. It’s not a get out clause.

He chooses to drink, you choose to stay.

You cannot change him. Why are you still there putting up with it?

I wouldn’t be looking into how to live with him, I’d be looking into how to live elsewhere. And then filing for divorce. Why do you have to put up with it?

So sorry OP, this sounds dreadful. What is keeping you in the relationship?

I had to comment because voting was not enough. I grew up with a father with a severe mental health problem and up until mum called time when I was 11 everything - including my mum being diagnosed with the same kind of cancer that killed her mother- was framed around its impact on him. I've seen what that did to my mum and I feel the impact of being told my dad had been through so much and needed me to be a good supportive daughter (by my grandparents) 35 years later.

I'm sorry for every bit of trauma your DH has been through. My dad went through horrific things. However "no, fuck off" is exactly the right answer to the people telling you to be soft and gentle and supportive.

You are a person too, and you are actively going through trauma.

If he's not going to change and you have so much contempt for him (understandably), the relationship is over. End it and move on with your life. Advice to be supportive is all well and good for professionals and friends, maybe even extend family, but when you're living with it and significantly impacted by their behaviour it isn't realistic. You don't have to live this way.

If you'd split with him 2 years ago, chances are you'd be spending this weekend pottering around a garden centre and musing what nice food to make yourself tonight and what to watch on Netflix, rather that throwing good after bad, stressing about how to reach someone who doesn't want to change.

Sometimes you need to be prepared to love and leave someone to create the space you need. Think of it in baby steps if it's too hard: why can't you move out and still have a relationship with him? If its money, then he could support you for once by selling the house and sharing the money so you can live seperately and continue a relationship. But he won't, because everything suits him and he doesn't want change.

If the past is anything to go by, it will be another 2 years and you'll be in the same place. I know you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall but, and I say this from a gentle place, I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to convince you that you're choosing this life every bit as much as he is. If you can't make a change, you can't really expect him to.

I was in your position over 20 years ago.I had told my alcoholic partner that we were finished, finally and threw him out after giving years of love and support which nearly broke me ( he had experienced a traumatic childhood) . He went to rehab ( I lost count of the times he walked out of rehab.) One day, after he'd been through a medical detox I got a visit from his community psychiatric nurse ( uninvited) who said ' You will support him to stay sober won't you?' , and I just told her 'sorry, but NO' I said id finally had enough and that I wished him well ,but I was never,ever going to get involved with him again, and I didn't and its the best decision I made.

Well put. I completely agree, as the child of an alcoholic.

Even if he goes into recovery - he will always be an alcoholic. And that takes a toll on everyone around them. Kids don't get much choice in the matter but grown up partners do.

Why are you still with him op? It’s well
known that alcoholics are selfish destructive people who will bring down everyone around them. Just leave him to destroy himself rather than you.

Both your mental health is important. And both of you are refusing to make decisions to improve it. He refuses to stop drinking and you refuse to leave.

Please point out where I was aggressive or uneducated. And you are now bickering with me 🙄

You can but you have to be very real and honest with yourself

This should be your focus. He's not going to change.

Don’t need to focus on OP - there’s nothing to say except leave that already been said - she sounds codependent which I and many other posters have said already

you seem agressive that you've been found to be wrong - then moved to insulting

No bickering - just not agreeing with your aggressive uneducated posts that don’t help anyone