She gets away with doing whatever she wants

You beat me to it!

I was thinking exactly this. What on earth is an 8 year old doing faffing around unsupervised in the kitchen making “soup?”

if you can’t say “no” at this age, then the teenage years are going to be an absolute nightmare for you!
You need to parent her!

An important question. The answer makes all the difference.

So you said no and she went off to do it anyway?

and then you just left her to it… at 8? To chop veg and deal with boiling water on her own.

sorry- how is your DH the unreasonable one here?

Yes and no, its child dependent

OP hasnt really described properly what happened. Was OP in a different room and child comes bounding in saying she is making soup and OP says, not tonight, tomorrow night and child runs out and says she is making it tonight and OP remains in the other room, doesnt follow her into the kitchen? Unsure

Op hasnt described what is meant by 'making soup', are we talking about chopping veg and putting in a pan, turning heat on. Or is she talking about a pouch or tin emptied into a bowl and put in microwave. Or some ready cooked ingredients popped into a soup maker?

Cinnamon suggests child was in the spice cupboard or getting ingredients out?

You said no. She ignored you and did it anyway. And made a mess. Then her dad has tried to discipline her and you've backed her up despite you already telling her no in the first place.

He's right isn't he? She can do whatever she wants.

Well she did get away with doing whatever she wants ?

I’ve got 3 kids and I would say absolutely NOT

I’m all for blaming the DH for most things but come on?! Really? He’s an arse because he told her off for making a mess…. Just no!

I am not a parent so genuinely asking... is 8 years old really old enough to be left unsupervised in the kitchen??

I think he sounds the most sensible parent here all things considered
he’s not being an arse but rightly so he’s annoyed

There are two separate aspects:

1. Dd ignoring you. It's not ok for her to go ahead when you've said no, BUT it's ok (good actually) for her to advocate for herself and discuss it further, ask why not, etc. So you might say to her PAUSE we need to discuss this. Then you could say that you've changed your mind and she can do it. HOWEVER you should make sure she understands and agrees in advance to certain consequences, i.e when we make a mess we clean it up ourselves. Eight is a great age to be learning to clean up things like that.
2. Your dh coming straight out the gate with anger, which is just going to make her shut down. No reason why he can't calmly explain to her that she needs to clean up her own mess, and enforce consequences if she doesn't. Anger doesn't need to come into that and it's counterproductive because it's teaching her poor communication.

Your DH is an arse and I doubt he’ll get better with age

Exactly, next posts will be “do you feel safe op?!” And LTB…

Jesus. No wonder kids are turning out like they are

A parent actually parenting and he gets called a manchild

Ive just seen she is 8!!!

8!!!!

No means no. Its not unreasonble to say wait till tomorrow.

I agree with all the above posters. No needs to mean no. If you say it then follow through.

I would say "No, we cant make soup tonight because theres no ingredients. How about you make a list and we go together tomorrow and do it together?"

Secondly
Why on earth is she doing it alone.... im all for independence but im sorry I think thats nuts. My daughter at 8 did toast unsupervised 😂 and at 9 made a cup of tea 😂 all other cooking was done with us together.
My 6 year old gets her own breakfast but its cereal and milk. No hot ovens or sharp knives involved.

This sounds like a very teenage response in itself

No one is stifling this poor creative bohemian's spontaneous flair in the kitchen. She was asked to do it tomorrow

Sounds as if she rules the roost, wont clear up after herself and its assumed its just going to be a mess and OP will just clean that up.

Having the right to 'amuse' herself, comes with a responsibility to follow through with the less amusing bits, aka clean up.

She’s 8 years old and in my house when an adult says “no” it means “no”
She certainly shouldn’t have even been allowed in the kitchen, let alone “leaving her too it” and “throwing ingredients on the floor” and you not telling her it’s not acceptable and allowing it to happen is mental. I thought you were maybe on about a 16/17 year old (before you said her age!) but she is 8 - she’ll do it again and again and have no respect for you or other adults, nor will she know right from wrong and what is acceptable or not, regardless of whether you think she is ND or not. I don’t know any of my Mum friends that would allow this to happen it’s absolutely ridiculous. Your husband is right I’m not surprised he’s annoyed, you’re enabling poor behaviour!!

FFS! At that age she does what she's told. If you, as a parent, have told her "no" and she ignores you, the question of who - you or your DH - is being unreasonable is irrelevant.

And were you really OK with her attempting to cook - which involves heat - unsupervised?

Well yes he is right she does get to do and gets away with whatever she wants, you told her you don't have ingredients and can make it tomorrow (reasonable). She goes and does it anyway, you both leave her to it instead of stopping her, dad gets angry, you don't see the point and niether of you have stepped up and parented her. You are both unreasonable.

I don’t get it. If you didn’t have the ingredients for soup, then why didn’t you say anything when you heard her clattering around in the kitchen? What was she making with cinnamon or was she just being naughty? You should’ve got up and said ‘what are you doing? I said no.’
What did you have planned for dinner - could she have helped you make that instead?

Did you actually tell DD she could make it after all? Or did she just start and you thought well she can actually?

No
By allowing her to ignore you

My son is almost 8 and never in a million years would he waltz off to make soup if he asked and I said no. Number 1, it's about respecting your decisions and no 2 it's about not letting a damn CHILD cook independently with sharp knives and boiling water! WTF?? My kid just about gets himself his cereal and still manages to spill the milk on occasion.

Start parenting better before it's too late. No wonder your DP was pissed off, I would be too. Although, he should have stepped in to parent too.

Are you doing that triangulation thing where it’s you and dd against meany dh?

Did you say no and then say, on second thoughts yes? Or did you say no, she ignored you and you thought "oh well". I do find myself saying no to requests from my DC and then reflecting and thinking "I'm just saying no because I can't be bothered with the hassle of paint/water/cooking/den building" etc and actually unless I've got a good reason, why not say yes. I think it's fine to change your mind but I do think at 8 you'd need some assistance with soup. I think if she just ignored your no, then that's more problematic. I do think your DH is being unhelpful, if he was there when the conversation started then he should have said something if he had strong feelings on soup. If he wasn't there then he doesn't know what you agreed with her and it's quite undermining of your parenting.