She gets away with doing whatever she wants

No, because you said no and let her just ignore you, go do it anyway and make a mess. If you don't instil any respect for your boundaries, how can you expect her to respect other people's?

82% disagree with you.

Soup scalds if it’s spilt. If she’s spilling cinnamon accidentally then she could easily knock the pan and scald herself badly or cut self chopping veg.
Great for kids to cook but they need adult supervision.
When I’ve been on pack holiday with brownies her age they’ll make sandwiches, pour cereal and milk, pour juice all with supervision but no hot liquid and sharp knives.

I’d happily let my 8 year old cook soup on a Friday evening. But I’d be in the room with her to supervise/assist where needed. And she’d be cleaning up herself (it’s part of the process).

If she was enjoying herself and not demanding anyone’s time then she should have been left to be creative.

Your DH has been unreasonable.

YABU for saying no and then letting her doing it anyway because you couldn’t face the fight.

I have an ND stubborn as hell, everything is a fight DD so I know what it’s like… but sticking to what you say is really important. Maybe next time don’t say no so quickly- but this time you had said no.

YABU for letting an 8 year old cook unsupervised. That is not safe. Even if you’d decided cooking was ok despite saying no, why weren’t you watching her?

YABU for saying your husband is the bad guy for getting cross when actually you hadn’t wanted your DD to cook but let her anyway, you hadn’t been watching her, and she’d made a mess.

You're being unreasonable. You told her no and you explained why yet still allowed her to crack on and ignore you. You can't expect her to respect boundaries when she knows that no clearly doesn't mean no considering mum allows her to just do it with no consequences. Her being neurodiverse doesn't give her a free pass to have no boundaries in place

Not clear from your posts - were you intending to supervise in any way? Or expecting dh to?

Though telling her you don't have the stuff and that you'll do it tomorrow, but then just letting her get tf on with it isn't great parenting in my book

OP wouldn't have mentioned ingredients if it was tinned soup, would she?

When my grandson was eight he watched daddy making his morning egg dish so daddy encouraged him to have a go. He now makes scrambled eggs, omelettes for breakfast. He's very fussy about the pepper, butter and Worcestershire sauce that goes in. It tastes very good.

Well done girl for trying, get her some soup ingredients tomorrow.

Is she an only by any chance?

Enjoy it now because as the years go by the demands will increase and the reaction to saying no will increase too. In ten years you will have a fucking nightmare on your hands who fails at school ("all the teachers hate me!"), cant keep a PT job ("My boss hates me!"), has no friends ("They all hate me!"), and has epic tantrums you refuse to pander to her demands, all because you didnt teach her the meaning of the word "No"

My DD is high functioning AuDHD and knows that no means no, and for good reason. Frankly, it really does sound like you can't be arsed to parent her properly.

Shame on you because you are totally failing her, her life will be so much harder as a result of the lessons you are not teaching her.

YABU and you sound like exactly the kind of parent who produces a child nobody wants to be around.

I am all for teaching children how to cook but at 8 they don't make soup unsupervised.

All three of you are being unreasonable. Recipe for disaster.

You have given mixed messages - you told her no and explained why, but didn't stop her when she went on ahead with it, so I can totally see why your DH thinks she can do whatever she wants.
While you are now saying maybe it wasn't harmful and she could do it that doesn't fit in with the reason you had given of no ingredients. Surely if you didn't have all what was needed then she was just messing about in the kitchen making a mess and wasting other ingredients.
I agree that you need to supervise her better at 8 years old. Why didn't you go out to the kitchen with her once you decided maybe it was ok (ignoring the fact she didn't care she had been told no) to help her see whether you did have the ingredients.
I am also surprised at allowing an 8 year old to be making soup unattended anyway.

Well here's the thing. The worst thing you can do for children to develop behavioural and emotional regulation of their own is be contrary, changeable, unpredictable, inconsistent

Sometimes those behaviours from the parent are associated and are combined with frightening, scary behaviour. But at others, perhaps like here, they're just sort of benign, avoidant, set back. So I say no, but it doesnt really mean no. I allow this but I dont really get involved so am I supportive of you making the soup or just not interested or actively saying no to you?

The child doesnt know whether they're coming or going. So then we start to see behavioural issues, poor regulation, actiing out, crying out for consistency by being oppositional. Then the child is seen as having some degree of behavioural need or this or that condition.

Absolutely. Why are you such a lazy parent?! You’re making a rod for your own back with your child if you cannot be asked to get a reign on her. She’s 8, why can’t you make something together with her? Or promise to make something together with her tomorrow? She sounds like she’s left to her own devices - bless her.

Ah ,come on, they can surely be left to make a sandwich or something? My 6 year old can make herself a sandwich without anyone needing to watch her.

Agree that Op is weak, saying no, shrugging when she does it anyway then blaming and making DH the bad guy
Sneaky
No wonder hes pissed off

8 and ruling the household.
Good luck with the teen years love.🙄

Depends on the child and what they're doing.

She's 8 years old and said she wanted to make soup.
You said no.
She went and started anyway, making a mess in the process.

Your husband is absolutely right, and sorry, what's wrong about getting angry that your child has done something you explicitly said no to? If she's ND, she's going to have to learn that no means no!

I honestly can't believe that you said no, expecting her to make a mess, without getting up and telling her no again and removing the items! You're bringing her up to be a spoilt brat and letting your husband take the blame. I don't agree with pp that husband came straight out the gate as angry and that's wrong. If I'd heard my husband say to one of our sons that no, he could not do XYZ and then I entered the room to find he'd not only done it anyway, he'd made a mess, you bet I'd be angry. That's a quite normal and reasonable reaction?

You told her no and she basically said fuck you.

That might not be the 'end of the world' for you.

But for many parents it's a sign of pretty ineffective parenting.

You made a mistake by say no then changing your mind but you know that. Ignore all the drama llamas. Of course you can be bothered to parent your child and your right. Why shouldn't she cook.
My ds is ND and cooking is his therapy. It has been for the last 5yrs. Every spare evening he creates amazing meals. It costs me around £20 per week in extra ingredients but I see it as his hobby money. Other people pay for swimming or horse riding. I pay for cooking. My one stipulation is the kitchen is cleaned at the end. Sometimes with a bomb site insues in the process. I just ignore it.
Maybe going forward you could arrange cooking nights with your daughter. Help her find a receipe and buy ingredients and set a time then tell dh it's hobby night and not to interfere. This way your setting both daughter and husband boundries.

What I'm sorry, she's fucking 8?! You can't leave an 8 year old alone in the kitchen making soup?! Does she know.how to make soup or is she just wasting a bunch of food?

Nah I'd be well pissed off I came downstairs and my fellow parent had left my 8 year old alone in the kitchen cooking and shed made a mess of the floor.

"Suspect ND" you say, or perhaps she's a child pushing her luck to see how much she can get away with? It must be difficult these days to trust you have the clarity to differentiate...?