She gets away with doing whatever she wants

You'd be fuming about spilt spices?

Too blinking right. I haven't read all the responses, but I'd be fuming.

DD decides to make soup even though I'd said no, she makes a mess,

DH comes in to tell me about the mess as if it's my problem. No, absolutely not - if she's old enough to make soup, she's old enough to clear her own mess

edited for spelling

But did OP clearly say no?

In her OP she said she didn't have the ingredients, can make tomorrow.

That's not a clear no to an 8 year old especially an ND one

Leaving an 8 year old to cook unsupervised is bonkers.

Saying no and then letting her do it anyway is confusing.

Undermining your DH isn’t great either.

I think yabu to leave your dh to pick up the fallout by having to be the one who goes into the kitchen and presumably clear up the mess and be the bad guy while you continue to lounge on the sofa after failing to control the situation right from the start.

what! You leave an 8 year old to cook alone in the kitchen. And saying ‘ingredients’ seems it not just opening a can and heating up which in itself is too much unsupervised. You need to actually start parenting your child. Your main job is to keep your child safe, giving her free reign in the kitchen is not keeping her safe . Im actually astounded that you think that is ok,

I think you are op.
You told your DD she couldn’t do what she wanted but then let her do it anyway.
By saying she’s stubborn like it’s a get out clause just makes it look like you can’t be bothered to deal with her stubbornness and let her away with it.
If your DH is saying she always gets away with doing what she wants indicates this is not the first time.
Your DD will realise very quickly she is allowed to do whatever she wants, difficult to deal with at 8, may be impossible to deal with when she’s 15

This would be my 8 year old dd if I didn't get firm with her and put my foot down. She often tries to carry on doing what she wants to do even after I've said no. It takes a lot of repeating myself to get her to listen, but she eventually will because I won't give in once I've said no. I realised I was creating a spoilt brat and would have no control once she hit teenage years if I didn't act now. Sounds like you need to start putting your foot down too.

Well, your DH was not wrong, was he? It does sound like she gets away with doing whatever she wants. Your DD asked, you said no, and she did it anyway. I can very much see how that must be hugely frustrating for your DH.

And what parent, genuinely, lets their 8 year old make soup (I assume from scratch) unsupervised. Toast, cereal, even perhaps omelette or similar, if they are used to using the hob. But soup, with scalding hot liquids, and sharp knives, should definitely be supervised at that age.

Because you said no and she did it anyway, husband followed through with the actual parenting and tells her off. YABU and setting yourself up for a terrible time pitching the husband and daughter against each other when he is the only one acting like a parent. Of course she will be stubborn as she knows she can just do whatever she wants with you. She’s 8. No means no.

He was telling her off, aka stopping her. He would and should have expected back up from the other parent so was communicating that with her, OP then didnt back him up. He didnt 'insist' that OP stop her, no where does OP say this

He isnt in the wrong here no matter how much you and other posters try to make it so.

I think the thing is you have to think carefully, and if you say no, you mean it and stick to it (even if she has a stubborn response.)
If the answer to her making soup is yes, great- but you need to go and supervise and help her.
It's the saying no but then leaving her to do it anyway that isn't good because you are teaching her that she can do whatever she wants and there aren't actually boundaries because no doesn't really mean no, that's not good for her or you and it makes sense your husband is annoyed - but taking it out on her and yelling isn't fair either. You both need calm boundaries and to try and be on the same page more, which is better for all 3 of you.

😂😂😂

I am serious.
OP was being lazy and DH was getting angry, insisting OP stop her, why didn’t he stop her? neither was very helpful to the situation, lazy parenting on both sides.
Neither actually dealt with the situation.

It's not wonder so many teachers are leaving the profession.

You cannot be serious.

Spoilt child yet again father is called in the wrong

You feel guilty about always saying no, but you didn't say yes, you didn't go and supervise and do it with her, you didn't bring her any joy, you didn't even suggest an alternative activity, you just zoned out and didnt care - that's hardly the opposite of ruining her fun.

Time to step up. Communicate with DD and DH, probably put the phone down. If you ever want a child able to cook herself something then you need to help her learn. The way you handled it, with indifference, means she couldn't even ask you for help as you'd just go back to no, or whatever was least effort for you.

He didn't 'throw a tantrum'.

He was rightly annoyed at being the only parent in the house who could be arsed to do some parenting, and not being backed on it.

Despite the fact the OP clearly agreed but was too much of a wet lettuce to insist the 8 year old actually listened to her.

Shame on you because you are totally failing her, her life will be so much harder as a result of the lessons you are not teaching her.

Absolutely, you are letting her down big time. Part of being a good parent and one of the ways we show our children we love them (thus giving them a sense of security), is by setting out clear rules and teaching them that these boundaries have to be respected. Your attitude to parenting is the kind of inconsistent parenting that leads to children feeling insecure and anxious, which they then display by acting out. Not to mention causing spoilt, entitled behaviour if they grow up thinking they can do what they like because other people's wishes aren't worth listening to.

Maybe they dont want to deal with a huge mess on a Friday night that the daughter won't clean up, especially when they don't even have the right ingredients?

It is as much her home as it is his.
8 year olds make a mess sometimes, not a big deal. Your DH throwing a tantrum isn’t good. Why is it he seeing things as Dad vs child.
The annoying part is she was told no and didn’t listen.

How is she married to an idiot? Sounds like her husband actually wants their daughter to have some boundaries and the mum just wants her husband to be seen as the meanie whilst their child sees her as the one who defends her from him trying to teach her any boundaries. Their kid is 8 and doesn't even have the respect to accept that no means no. Mummy says no and the 8year old child just cracks on and does it anyway. It's not about giving her some freedom and independence. Let her cook by all means but jeez supervise her she's still little. And actually be a parent and teach her that if she's told no she can respect and accept it

Right?! I'm really astonished at some of these posts, and I can only imagine these are the parents of the children that will never accept being told "no" and cause all the problems at school and anywhere else.

My kids are allowed to be creative, or to cook when they want to. But at 8, if I'd said no, then they don't do it, or they risk being told off and made to put everything away.

The person you're replying to obviously thinks a "no" now means always a no. And that the parents that can exercise a no are the types who don't allow anything fun at all ever.

I think we can rule out the pouch and tinned soups can't we, because of the "ingredients"?

But sparkling intuition on the spice front! But whether it was from a dedicated spice cupboard we cannot tell from the information provided.