She gets away with doing whatever she wants

You were right in the fact it still wasn't as much the husbands fault as people made out.

Only if she is helped. What happened was not good for anyone

Really? Any further thoughts there because I can't see it as black and white as you obviously do

I’d go mental if I came downstairs and my husband had let our child mess up the kitchen on a Friday night. YABU.

Why aren’t you cooking with her? Not sure I would want an 8 year making soup without supervision

At 8 she shouldn’t be making soup on her own so you’re unreasonable for that. Does she also make the pancakes etc without supervision?!
If she wanted to make soup then it needs to happen with supervision and to be planned when you’ve got the ingredients.

Your husband shouldn’t have had a go at an 8 year old for spilling something so he’s being a dick but he is right in that she seems to have got away with doing what she wants on this occasion.

Ok sorry. Cooking on her own in the kitchen at 8. A recipe for disaster.

She's not a teenager she's 8!

Well your husband is correct. She does sound like she gets away with doing what she wants.

At 8 she absolutely is too young to just take it upon herself to start cooking in the kitchen despite a parent saying no.
No should mean no, you sound a poor parent who isn't giving your DD boundaries. You should be in charge in your house, not your DD. She's not paying the food bill, the energy bill, and no doubt not having to clean up the mess either.

Typical MN pile on. Teenager makes a mess but of course its the mans fault. It always is on here it seems.

Separating the two issues I’d say I can’t see the issue with her cooking assuming you have an appropriate knife, you’ve taught her how to use the hob safely and she would ask for help if she needed it. My now 9 1/2 year old has made stuff like omelettes and cakes largely on her own for a good couple of years now and makes a very nice Thai style noodle soup on occasion. I can see a huge issue with saying no and then not intervening when she ignores you.

This, I have two diagnosed ND kids and we are even stricter than we would like to be. ND kids need tighter boundaries as they struggle with knowing and remembering where the boundaries should be, so you need a tighter reign and more structure, not less. Structure and clear boundaries are so important for helping them develop their own strategies for coping with life as they get older. It doesnt come as easily to ND people, I know this as I am one.

What evidence do you have of her being Nd, other than she's allowed to get away with murder with no consequences?

Dd stubborn and becomes quite single minded when she gets an idea into her head (suspect Nd) so I just leave her to it and try to be patient
for the love of his can we stop saying every child is suspected ND!
She’s stubborn because you allow her to get her way every time so she knows she doesn’t have to back down.
I don’t think it’s ideal
letting an 8yr old have free reign in a kitchen, you told her there was no ingredients but she defies you and goes rummaging.
Pretty lazy parenting.

This. 8 year olds eat the dinner you made, and if that soup then it’s a joint enterprise.

8 year olds don’t get free reign of the kitchen to make potions aka cinnamon soup 🤮

Cooking? That usually involves knives and hot things.... like chopping veg and using the stove.... I'd not let an 8 year do that unsupervised

This has to be yet another made up thread. The OP says the child was told no but then she did anyway. If you're going to make stuff up, you need to get your story straight (and a little more realistic - no real parent says no but then thinks it's perfectly acceptable that they ignored that!)

Your dd is a spoilt and entitled. I read your first post and initially assumed she was about 15 based on your reaction.

However she is 8!! She is a child and you need to step up and parent her rather than treat her like a mini adult. No means no!!
I am guessing she you also describe her as "very mature" which seems to latest fad to describe spoilt little girls who dont understand or respect the word no.

I have a teenager who is diagnosed as ND ( obvious at age 14 months, diagnosed age 5 and in a specialist provision school placement) he still knows we have house rules. If he is told no you cant he doesn't do it.

Your the parent op start parenting. Your dh is right to be annoyed because even if your dd is ND she needs rules and boundaries ( actually she needs them more than NT kids do). If she does not respect your rules at 8 years old you have no hope when she is 14.

Your daughter is 8 years old and dpesn't listen to you and you think it is ok because she is having fun! Oh my are you in for a shock in 5 years time. You reap what you sow.

OK, now read the whole thread.

I stand corrected.

She's 8.

There is no way I would allow an 8 year old to be cooking anything other than toast unsupervised. Even then I would probably be hovering around just to make sure that everything was OK & everything put away. I must admit that I have a 'thing' about a clean & tidy kitchen.

I apologise.

Our DDs are master negotiators. One is also ND, which presents at times as incredible stubbornness. For us, the key things are picking our battles, otherwise everything is an argument, and also having a "no means no" phrase. I'm sure you shouldn't need it, but we aren't perfect and nor are our DDs. For me, "I've said 'no', stop asking" seems to work.

And her dad doesn’t want mess everywhere. Why is she spilling cinnamon all over the floor to make soup?

Thinking of how this wouod play out in my house. I have an 8 year old.
If they wanted to make soup, on their own on friday night and we didnt have any ingredients and i was tired and didnt want to help, I would say no. If they went to do it anyway, I would go and tell them again no and they would go and do something else.
The only way they would be making soup would be if i decided I would help them make it properly. I wouldnt be letting them get evrrythong out, spill a jat of cinanom all over the floor after I said no and just be sitting there not even bothered.
Yabu and dh was rightly annoyed.

So much this. It's a safety issue at 8 if she'd unsupervised. Most 8 year olds would have a high risk of cutting or burning themselves if left to their own devices in the kitchen.