She gets away with doing whatever she wants

You sound a bit drunk tbh, have you had too much wine and in 'fun, blasé mum mode?' Not judging, just what I'm picturing!

You know as well as I do I was responding based on your comments about the child, not the comment about the dad.

What is your plan going forward?
Statements like this still don't show any real insight on your part into what's been happening here and what you plan to do to change things - with handling your child's behaviour and not laying the blame on your dh when he recognises a problem. It must be very frustrating for him to see what's happening and you won't back him up or even worse paint him as the bad guy. You need to change for your child's sake and for the sake of your marriage, many of us recognise that this isn't a one off incident.

Maybe you could start by telling us what actually happened? Was she cooking soup
or not?

Backtracking much op.
Your last update is nothing like your initial op, it’s like you’ve changed the story after most posters agreed with your DH
You continue allowing your stubborn 8 year old do what they like and I’ll imagine you’ll be back asking for advice on how to deal with an out of control teenager

Well, I was going to post saying that one good thing here is that your daughter is interested in cooking - it's a great life skill. My daughter started cooking quite young (older than 8 though!) and at 14 she is now quite an accomplished cook and baker.

But now I can see you were just letting her play with food and waste it.....

To be honest I agree with your husband - that's really annoying.

Why didn't you say to her, yes we will make soup together, and show her how to actually make it? Soup can be really easy to make, all you would need is a tin of tomatoes, some stock, onion, dried herbs, for a basic tomato soup. And if you had already eaten, it could always be frozen.

OR, tell her that something like soup making requires planning, and distract her with another creative activity - I assume if she is 8 you have some craft stuff in the house, something like that? Or even look up soup recipes with her, get her to do a shopping list with you or something.....

I'm not claiming to be supermum - in fact by Mumsnet standards I am sure I am a pretty lazy parent, but even I can see it's not great to let an 8 year old muck around tipping spices and herbs out into a bowl in the kitchen.....

Can you genuinely not see your husband's point of view? At all?

Not saying he should be an arsehole about it - and certainly he shouldn't take it out on your daughter.....

You need to read the OP's updates.

It turns she wasn't making soup at all.

And apparently she wasn't cooking anything either, despite her earlier post to the contrary.

Confused? Join the club 😁

Mixed signals all over the place... if I told someone they were not making soup as we didn't have ingredients.. they won't be making soup end of.

I think you should have been more supportive about her cooking. It’s a great skill to learn and it’s great to do independent activities like that. Yes, it’s annoying that they make a mess, but there’s really no other way to learn.

If you hadn’t said no to something you didn’t really mind her doing, your husband wouldn’t have had to back you up in a heavy-handed way while you shrugged. You set him up to fail.

Doing some cooking shouldn’t turn into something parents get angry about. Parents have a duty to model good behaviour, to be calm and authoritative. He should have stayed calm.

It’s unfortunate she spilt the cinnamon, but she was sorry about it. Without the surrounding circumstances, that would not have been a big deal.

Both parents messed up.

No, he is.

Odd twist to the thread, soup-but-not-soup! 🧐

I did baking with DDs today (rarely do it to be honest) Youngest is also 8. I let them weigh the ingredients and let them have a go at cracking the eggs. 8yo squeezed the egg in one hand and sent the contents all over the floor, her jumper, socks and the cupboard door. We all fell about laughing, I cleaned it up and said no to her trying again because I couldn't waste the eggs. We've now got 12 tasty fairy cakes to get through. I'm no parenting expert by any means, but surely my example is more typical of what an 8yo should be doing in a kitchen under supervision?

Am wondering if op was quite nefarious in this as she knew it would annoy the dh? She gets to be wonder fun mummy and he’s mean old daddy?

Agree.

So wasteful. So indulgent.

This.

Say either no or yes, and follow through.

I can see why your H is frustrated.

Just while we're pointing out inconsistencies in your last update OP.

When @Enyastar said earlier

"Your daughter will be an entitled, spoilt brat if those are your parenting models!"

Your reply was

"By allowing herself to cook something?"

So was she cooking or not? Because according to your update, she wasn't?

No because you told her no and she carried on anyway with no consequence it seems. Good luck for the future because you are sure going to need it

Bollox

Very odd thread!

I voted YANBU at first because I thought it was a teenager wanted to cook an actual meal, and who would presumably then have cleared up the spices.

I wouldn’t let an 8 yo go and freely make a mess in the kitchen and waste food, no.

It sounds like she was bored - could one of you not have done something with her? Baked something together maybe?

But you do have to stick to your no unless you really think your original no was wrong - and maybe if that’s often the case make sure to take a pause before saying yes or no to start with.

OP how did you expect us to interpret "make soup" and "cook herself something"?

Not sure what the point of this thread is to be honest?

If you are going to adopt the parenting strategy of: "No means Yes in our house", then look out for more trouble ahead, as your DD just goes on and becomes a full-out entitled brat. She may think she can import the same behaviour into the classroom and become a real pain at school, with teachers trying to "catch" you at the end of the day to "have a quiet word", about which you may feel embarrassed and/or resentful, eventually possibly even blaming the school for "picking on her". Not to say this WILL happen. Just saying: I've seen it many times, my dear OP. So, think ahead.

This is what I was thinking! My son is autistic and he doesn’t have a violent bone in his body. He has never once ‘become physical’ with us.

So you think all ND children are violent do you?

By make soup I assumed make soup.
Very wasteful just to let her tip herbs in cold water and stir. Why not just supervise her learning to make soup when you actually want soup for lunch.

Right, so she wasn't making actual soup, she was messing about in the kitchen. Why didn't you specify that she was just mixing spices together and not actually cooking? You can't really blame people for thinking you meant soup when you literally said soup 😂

YABU to let her waste ingredients like that. It's nice to want to say yes more, there are lots of good things to say yes to, unnecessarily wasting food and making a mess isn't one of them. Sorry, still team DH, and still think you're going to have a kid with no boundaries on your hands.