She gets away with doing whatever she wants

8??? Same age as mini blondes

if I say no. No means no

you didn’t say no. You pussy footed around as cba to set boundaries and stick to them

so let her do what she wanted / then moan about it 🙄

8??? I thought you were gonna say 14! Wtf...and also, why the heck is an 8 year old dictating what she can do? She's gonna grow up to be a DELIGHT.

If I found my 8 year old doing anything I had said not to do, I'd be cross. I'd be more cross if there was a ton of mess and was unattended in the kitchen with knives and food, wtf OP?

Time and a place, absolutely she can make soup, tomorrow, supervised?

You originally said no just because she went and done it and you relented doesn't make your husband a monster for feeling the exact same 20 minutes later

I thought you were talking about a teenager! No wonder she accidentally made a mess, she’s 8! Jesus.

(Assuming DH is DD's dad) it's his responsibility as well as yours to parent her so she doesn't generally "do whatever she wants" when it's harmful or inappropriate. At 8, she won't even think of the various reasons why she shouldn't cook up a mess if she's not been clearly told, and the different messages are no doubt confusing her.

Yelling at her for the spilt cinnamon isn't reasonable as it was fairly obviously an accident; since she was still in the kitchen best just to remind her to clean it up. If he's the primary person who does the meal planning, shopping, and cooking and/or if he's worried about budget or food waste then I can understand if he's frustrated by her using particular ingredients, but there has to be a better way to communicate what's off limits or not. Raging at her for using the kitchen/ingredients and at you for - letting her? Not stopping her? - is counterproductive.

You and DH need to communicate with each other so you agree on general boundaries for your daughter and understand each other's perspectives enough to compromise and present a united front. His yelling and humphing and blaming everyone else and walking away isn't communicating, and "she always ..." instead of discussing the immediate specific problem sounds like a passive-aggressive way to duck out of dealing with the hard work of parenting.

I have a 9yo and if i said no cooking then I mean it!

I'm sure they would both be fine with it if she cleared up after herself, which it sounds like she doesn't.

If she's old enough to make soup unsupervised, she can damn well clean up too.

8 years old and you want to let her loose in the kitchen making soup from scratch (unless you are talking about opening a tin?). No with a capital N.

And if your parents said "no, not tonight kids" would you have done it anyway?

Because THAT is the issue, not whether you made chocolate cake back in the day

8 year olds are at the best of times going to make a right old mess if they try and make soup on their own . this was always going to happen.
Sorry OP..I think you didn't handle it well at all. And I can see why your husband reacted as he did.

Maybe suggest you get the ingredients together this weekend and together you make some soup.

You left your 8 year old unsupervised whilst she made soup? After you had told her not to.

So you're a lazy parent who can't be bothered to follow through when you said no to an 8 year old. She ignored you and showed how little she respects you by going ahead anyway.
You can't be bothered to parent but then ask if your dh is unreasonable, wow! Are you going to make her clean up the mess? It will be your fault, not your Dh's if she ends up a spoilt, entitled child. You are being unreasonable not to see the problem here is your parenting

No, by allowing her to disobey you when you have clearly said no!

It isn't rocket science 🙄

No, by telling her she can’t do something and then just allowing her to do it anyway. She knows she can get away with doing what she wants because you will say no, then she can just ignore you.

If you say No, then you need to mean it.

So why did you tell her no if you didn’t mind her doing it? You said one thing and meant another.

If you make a decision and then change your mind then that's the point when you say to DD "Hey, you know what, I've changed my mind. Yes you can make some soup. Do you need some help?" But you do that BEFORE she starts doing whatever it is you said No to.

By making a decision then doing nothing when she starts doing what you've just told her not to do all you're teaching her is that she can ignore you.

OP are you scared of her?

I can see your DPs point of view, she's got no respect for you saying no and she's leaving a mess. Those are not good things.

I'm all for doing some cooking with kids that age but not like this.

You sound wishy washy.
Either say ok make soup but you clean up. I’ll sit and supervise.
Or no we haven’t got ingredients make it tomorrow.
Sounds like you said no but ignored her cracking on and making a mess.

You said no and she did it anyway. That's the issue. Mean. What you say.

Me and my siblings used to make chocolate cakes on a Friday night and then eat them, still warm, whilst watching an old film.

@Timbucktutu your dd will have nice memories of having fun. Your dh needs to chill.

Presumably she’s had her dinner though. At 8 you’d need to supervise her chopping with sharp knife, boiling water etc.
It’s not stifling her to say yes soup making sounds lovely, pick a recipe tonight, we’ll go shopping tomorrow and you can make it for lunch Saturday.

Why is your reaction to her wanting to cook a negative one? Why not say we don't have much food in the fridge but see what you can find, and then she says cash I use up the carrots etc. I don't get. I'm happy when my daughters cook, clean up after themselves, what's the big deal. You and your partner both sound stressful to me, I wonder where she gets it from.

You told her no, and she ignored you and did it anyway. It’s not about the cooking, it’s about lazy parenting and not backing your husband up.