She gets away with doing whatever she wants

Good bit of putting two and two together to make 1,376.

I agree with this I'd have either suggested a later night trip to the shop to get the ingredients there and then as to encourage learning to cook, or said no and left it like this.

Unless my child can persuade me I'm unreasonable or wrong (which isn't often as he's 4) my first rule is final or they'll learn they can ignore me.

She will be a horror for sure as a teen. And then your dh will turn to you and tell you again that it’s because you let her do what she wants.
the problem here is you think it’s cutesy being stubborn minded and being ND is a perfect excuse for you. If you say no it’s no.
Your dh is right here.

If you mean 'no', and have said it then be consistent and not backtrack.
If you let her use ingredients in the kitchen then give her exactly what she is allowed to use and no more.
And make tidying up a game, so that she learns not to leave a mess for others to clean up.
But first if you say no, it must mean no.

You have chopped and changed so much, making soup, creative, mixing herbs together. So the facts are your DD aged 8 wanted to make soup not real soup pretend soup with real ingredients. You originally said no but did nothing when your 8 year old DD disobeyed you. She made a mess and your (long suffering) DH got cross.I have posted once before and my advice is the same No means No which is why it is so important to think before saying no. If you vacillate children dont understand and its weak and lazy. You are sitting in the same room but you let her disobey you. It sounds like your husband is frustrated, do you overrule him if he says no? Or maybe he isn't allowed to put boundaries in. Sorry but you are lazy, no means no, there is no suggestion from you that you offered an alternative activity or did anything when she just ignored you and made "soup". You say she does what she wants! Of course she does, she knows there are no consequences. My xDH used to do this, its infuriating and children confused and throwing tantrums.

I’m thinking like a PP that the OP had a few sherries when posting …..

I was cooking independently from 8 and for the whole family a couple of time a week from 10 after my mum died.

My mum trained us all in how to cook and bake safely from when we were tiny

My autistic just 9yo can competently cut meat/veg using proper knives, season and cook a steak, separate eggs, weigh ingredients, mix, fold, sear etc

he doesn’t boil the kettle, use the hob or oven without supervision…

my autistic 12 yo has blended his own spice mixes and cooks a range of meals competently

they are learning to cook by working with us to develop safe skills. Kitchens aren’t play spaces. Both kids know what is and isn’t allowed in the kitchen

I can't get my head round the OP telling us that her child was making soup then getting cross when we responded as if the child was making soup because of course the child was not making soup but mixing spices in a bowl

Where have you got PDA from?
The OP is a parent who can't be bothered to actually put in the work of teaching her child that she can't have or do whatever she wants and is upset with her husband because he doesn't agree with her poor approach to parenting. She posted here hoping everyone would agree that her husband is a big old meanie to their daughter but the vast majority are able to see that she's the one that needs to change her parenting techniques.

You suspect ND, I suspect a young person who has been allowed to do what she wants and knows that she can do it even if you say no.

PDA, lol

These threads go wild dont they

I wouldn't let an 8 year old cook in the kitchen without supervision. This is someone below the age at which they would be left alone in the house while you are at work. That would be my guideline of unsupervised

Who said the child had PDA? The OP certainly didn’t. Have you just made it up? 😁

The OP's daughter doesn't have diagnosed PDA. All she's said is suspected ND!

It is very difficult to challenge any young person with Pathological Demand Avoidance disorder and this sounds typical. You can't just ignore it and throw in the towel. Never say no, offer two choices that both satisfy you. OR Put locks on all the cupboards and doors. Sorry to say this but you can't win.

Stop letting your daughter do what she wants for a quiet life. You are the grown up get tougher. I think if I was H I’d get cross too.

See here you said cook. Bit of a weird choice of words if, as you said two posts later, it was mixing spices in a bowl and definitely not doing anything requiring adult supervision no siree Bob.

No, but I don’t think this was your finest hour.

Either that or how to deal with severe burns on a child while waiting for the ambulance. God forbid.

Agree about the chopping and changing, but parents shouldn’t be involved in every experience children have. Children need to play on their own in order to develop properly. It’s great she had this idea for a game and wanted to do it herself. It’s just her parents messed up deciding whether she was allowed to or not.

Yes - did you see her spill the cinnamon then? Or is this all a little Friday night story?

Quite. Some OP’s seem to think we are mind readers and of course they didn’t mean exactly that words they typed. Why didn’t we know that?

Back pedalling faster than a circus clown OP.

YABU and a lazy parent.

If this post is meant to prompt us to assure you you aren't a rubbish mum, you are likely to be disappointed.

By your own account you aren't great at parenting and I completely understand your husband's frustration.