The other woman hates me.

Personally, I'd quietly film him standing outside your house begging you to take him back. Get a few of these then send them to her.

And divorce him asap

Very kindly it’s time for you to move on from this relationship and create a new relationship with different boundaries that prioritises your children.

You deserve better x

I agree with @LochSunart Don’t respond directly to her but consider the behaviour you’ve mentioned as harassment and document it and report it rather than attempting to tackle it direct @Ponymum1

As it turns out they are both receiving punishment for their behaviour in the form of each other. In terms of revenge there is nothing for you to do but look forward to your future. Your indifference will be so much more effective than any hatred for them would have been.

He sounds an inadequate coward who is now going to spend his days getting his arsed kicked by everyone he knows, for being such a weak little fucker. She sounds immature, insecure, full of anger with herself for falling for a cliche and full of anger with him for being such a sad booby prize. It’s so much easier to bundle all this up and direct it at you than acknowledge she’s fucked her own life up.

My parents had this sort of situation when I was a teenager. He had an affair, moved out, but 'flip-flopped' for maybe five years or so. He came round for tea nearly every night, then left and stayed god knows where with god knows who. My DM was waiting for him to come to his senses, because she believed the marriage and family unit of twenty years would eventually win out.

I hated it. I was so jealous of friends whose parents just separated normally, and hated this ongoing madness. I use to pray that she would just tell him to leave once and for all, and we could all move on. Please do that for your kids if you can.

Incidentally, he did eventually move to be with the OW, and none of us have heard from him for over 20 years now - his choice.

I was a child when my Dad used to flip-flop between his long term girlfriend and my mum, his wife. He used to promise the world, how great they would be when back together but as soon as his girlfriend pulled up outside, he’d be out the door and back with her. We soon learned that each time he came running home, asking for forgiveness and saying how sorry he was, was just because he’d had a massive falling out with his gf.

Your DH has treated you very very badly and has put this gf before his own children too. It’s hard to accept but he wants to be with her and no longer married to you as he wouldn’t have done this otherwise. She’s treating you so badly because he keeps running back to you when they fall-out or when he has a wobble. She’s immature with her reaction but he’s creating it.

You are no longer a family, he’s just the kids dad and should only have a relationship with them going forward. He certainly doesn’t deserve one with you. I’m sorry you wasted so many years on him.

At the same time, he has been going back and forth constantly. One moment he says he misses the family, regrets everything and wants to fix things. The next moment he disappears again and hardly sees the kids because he’s back there. It’s been months of this flip-flopping

well this all escalated very quickly from your op.

Do it she deserves to know what he’s doing! Let us know what she says/does 🤣

Why are you even entertaining any of this. DC are old enough to sort out direct contact, you are divorcing him and don’t want him. Block them all and pretend they don’t exist.

this isn’t your circus and he isn’t your monkey.

I think you're doing the right thing to block him (and her). If he's doing weird stuff like hanging around outside your house, I can see why she's so insecure. Cease and desist letters are the best thing IMO. The positive about the situation is that your children are old enough to make their own decisions about seeing him. Can't see his relationship with her lasting, and I would say it's only dragged on this long because he can't function as a single adult.

@Solost92 Plus now that she’s with him, there’s a vacancy for a new OW. Of course she’s paranoid, she’s with a cheater. 🤷

I don’t know the answers but you are absolutely amazing!

Don't allow him to flip flop. You wouldn't actually take him back surely?! Come one love, the affair is one thing, the way he's allowed someone to treat you is another.

And obviously she hates you. Imagine the things he's had to tell her about you to justify his affair. It's your fault he's had to have an affair, he's the victim, she's saved him from you, she's just protecting him from your controlling and vindictive behaviour. You don't think he's been telling vher nice things about you while fucking her behind your back do you?

With her. Block, delete and ignore. She does not need any of your energy and doesn’t have to have anything to do with you. End it in no uncertain terms. He only has communication or contact with you for the purposes of handover/about the children and does not need to spend any time in your home. Make an application to court to end things officially and to have a clear plan re. contact and remain firm with it and stick to it. He has made his bed, he can lie in it, but you need to assert the boundaries and that you will not be messed around and taken for a mug whenever it suits him.

I know the most unmanly thing of all is him shitting on his family like that. Weak, selfish and stupid.

And yet even though that's the worst thing, there's something almost more unmanly and weak about the fact that the stupid bastard can't even stand by it, have any courage in his convictions of what he's done. Months on the pathetic tosser is still flip flopping like a fish on a line, doesn't know what he wants, faffing and wibbling and trying to keep a foot in each camp as if you all exist as NPCs to his self obsession. Weak, selfish, stupid and indecisive, although I realise you have taken the decision out of his hands, as well you should.

At any rate, you can see from space what the OW's problem is. He's still trying to get back with you so she's totally insecure as of course she should be. I can hear the car crash from here. I almost feel sorry for her. He's old enough to know what he's done, that's why he's panicking. She's going to waste her best years on this absolute plank.

She probably doesn't 'hate' you. She will have been fed a story about you, that your soon to be Ex used to wrangle his way into her pants. Try to remember that this person was probably in primary school when you and DH married, that's her level of life experience, 20 odd years. I don't know about everyone else but I cringe at some of the things I believed and did at that age.
Hopefully you will both be free of the philandering bastard very soon. You can move on and live a much happier life without such a disappointing specimen of the male sex and she can find someone her own age, who will want the same things and won't be an embarrassing plus one at any future events !

I sense he is seriously regretting his actions but tough shit.

She's insecure. She knows that he's a cheating liar, now she's the one wondering where he is and what he's doing. They were probably attracted to the sneaking around, secrecy and lies. Once it stopped being an affair and became a relationship, it lost its appeal.

I don't think you can expect anything else from him. Not excusing him but he dodnt have the maturity to consider that there was a problem in the marriage and fix it or end it. He just selfishly knobbed someone else. He's finding g the grass isn't greener and yet again waiting for someone else to make a decision for him.

He has shown no drive to actually plan and execute a happy personal life (yuck) so from past lessons I wouldn't expect him to do anything other than aimlessly bungle into the next problem of his own making.

I feel a sorry for your stress (and the kids) but somewhere between pity and amusement at just how pathetic he is. Now he has a new problem and you can largely check out of it by blocking her.

He has no reason to come round. If he does, tell him you'll be filming him and sending it to her so she can see the whole conversation for herself. Hopefully he will stop being so tiresome and whingey about his own life choices.

The other thing I mean to mention is look up 'triangulation'. That's what he's doing to you by telling you the other woman hates you etc. He's making himself the centre of everything and trying to get you both to fight over him. He's pathetic.

Ignore all communication that isn't about the kids or finalising the divorce. Cut him off emotionally. He sounds selfish and immature. Let him live with his (obviously poor) choice.

My wife had an affair. After it ended, the OM harassed her (I supported her.) He was arrested. Not charged, partly because he made up a ridiculous counter-accusation.

She's harassing you. Keep a detailed diary and maybe consider informing the police.

This makes me laugh! A friends partner was having an affair with her friend so she kicked him out. She didn't want to be alone on the Saturday night without her kid's the weekend after (he had the kids) so she came to mine for a walk & takeaway- he did not stop texting her all night! Where are you? Who are you with? I could not believe it!

Gosh how tiresome. I experienced this a few years ago when my ex started seeing someone a lot younger. We had been split up for five years and suddenly started getting very abusive texts from his phone clearly written by her.

it’s infuriating but she’ll give up if don’t bite

Why did you let him keep coming back? I mean surely you knew this was going to inflame things?