To ask for your ideas to take petty revenges on an uninvited guest?

I suspect it's someone harvesting stories for an article.

Take a leaf out of my MiL's book:

Turn off the central heating regardless of the weather conditions.
Replace every light bulb with energy savers that emit no light at all.
Purchase a sofa that is so hard and uncomfortable you can't reasonably sit on it for longer that 15 minutes.
Provide the smallest towels possible.
Dont change the bed linen between guests as it's "only been for one night".

It worked for her!!

Do you have to be nice to them for some strange reason if not:

Do you know anyone they hate that you can invite for dinner? Or a really good friend of yours to stay at the same time so you can have a good laugh about in front of the person and to keep you sane.

Will they expect you to provide food and drink, cook, make their bed, provide towels and bed linen, do their washing? Don't do anything. They may have some sort of right to stay, but presumably everything in the house is yours so as an unwelcome visitor they can provide all their own stuff. If you let them watch tv choose all the programs they hate.

From the Guardian’s problem page a few years back:

You simply allow your friend to move in and be welcoming and accommodating. Then you go out and purchase a bassoon. At 3AM every morning you sit yourself down on a stool in the hall, for acoustic purposes, and play your lungs out careful to repeat the same three notes again and again and again for at least 45 minutes before changing one of the notes and continuing on for yet another 45. Never flush the toilet after use. Stop showering and bathing. Don’t change your socks and be sure to wear them when sleeping. Of course you must never wash a dish, bowl, cup or cutlery and if she does you must totally freak out and shriek at her for not washing them properly and using too much washing up liquid. Continue to bring it up over and over again. Borrow money off her and keep fobbing her off when she asks for it back telling her that you’re skint yet arrive home with expensive pointless new items such as a fancy CD rack even though you don’t have any CD’s or a huge fish tank and leave it empty. Record the sound of howling animals from the Discovery channel and play loudly outside her door and window for 30 seconds at intervals during the night before quickly running back to your room. Consume a large portion of beans with each meal. Invite Jehovahs Witnesses around at every opportunity. Fuck it, Mormons too. Oh yes, play your cards right and you’ll be having so much fun you won’t want the bum to leave.

I would definitely go with the snoring idea. Put recording or speaker next to their wall. I would also pop out a lot and bring home lots of bags from expensive stores. I have noticed that, regardless of gender, this winds folks up something rotten. I would also have a couple of best dresses dry cleaned and ready to hang on any visible space, still in plastic bags. You could maybe buy something sexy in a charity shop. You don't have to wear it. It's all just casual dry cleaning. Can you do a bit of decluttering and drape a bikini or something over the back of a kitchen chair? Again, one of those things that upsets arse holes. Any update would 👍

Swap the sugar and salt containers over.

Make sure spare towels are hidden away and the one they have access to is always wet.

Plug in air fresheners everywhere.

Hide a child’s toy that makes random sounds in the back of a cupboard in their bedroom.

Record the sound of a Bee/someone laughing creepily on YouTube and play it through a hidden device in their bedroom on a loop - loud enough for them to hear, quiet enough that it doesn’t disturb you in your bedroom. Then claim you can’t hear it when they ask about it.

Leave humane mouse/rat traps in view, especially in their bedroom and say you saw a mouse/rat in that particular room they sleep in.

If this is an ex then live your best life. Be very busy, look great, ignore them as much as possible and dont react if they try to annoy you. I imagine he would soon be fed up of being a spectator to your life.

Go to a charity shop and invest in all the creepy ornaments
I like the idea of the random noise cricket thing
divest the kitchen of all the things they eat or contaminate them with weird things like mustard, popping candy or marmite etc.

Hide the crockery and cutlery or rearrange the kitchen so difficult or random to find.

Set an alarm for really early and leave in their room...hidden
Nasty nylon bedding
Only have hand towels in the bathroom or available
Get the sockets in their room turned off somehow
Lumpy old stained matress

Obtain a really noisy/annoying child or pet to stay whilst they are away and then encourage them to enjoy time with your visitors. It would also be incredibly frustrating that the heater in the room they’re sleeping in doesn’t work and you have no extra blankets. I’d also start eating really loudly, smacking my lips and chew with my mouth open (this is something which would drive me insane!!)

I can lend you my child who, when he can’t sleep at night, tries to wake me up by poking me with a sword … first time I nearly died … too many horror movies 😱

This thread is hilarious 😂😂😂

Genius, but there's a typo: are you recommending staring or farting as OP stands over them in bed? Either sounds good to me.

Nah, not gonna give you any until you tell us the who and why

Even better, a grandfather clock that chimes every quarter of an hour!

Swap the contents of your shampoo bottle and tube of Veet.

Dress a large doll in Victorian style garb and stand them up (with invisible wires) in the corner of the 'guest's' bedroom.

Train a small child to point into empty rooms and say, "Who's that sad little boy?"

And if all else fails, turbo-charge your riser-recliner chair to fire the 'guest' into the opposite wall.

What, so her toilet will be dirty and reek?

@guestsareinvited Can I come and do my violin practice at your house? My husband HATES it! Apparently I sound awful.

A hidden fart machine?

Take up sleepwalking and peeing on their bed?

A super lumpy mattress ?

Or just change the locks when they go out then book yourself into a hotel?

With so many good ideas, surely you NOW have to tell us who this person is and why?!?!

Speaking as a snake owner, yes.

The best revenge is to really not care. At all.

Have absolutely no food in the house, except for a mouldy loaf and gone-off milk.

Then order food and drinks in just for you, then eat very loudly in front of them. Don't forget copious amounts of burps / farts afterwards. 😂

Why do people waste time on pettiness? "Oh, wouldn't it be a shame if..."
Just don't let them in. If they have a key, change the locks. If they call the police, great.

If this is your ex and they still own the property with you, but live somewhere else now, this doesn't give them the right to just rock up and stay anytime they feel like it. They have another primary residence. Change the locks on one door and use that to leave. Add an additional lock to the inside of the other door so it locks from the inside. When they complain that they can't get in, say that if they'd had the courtesy to ask or even tell you they were coming, you would have explained and arranged access. Also hide a bluetooth speaker in their room and randomly play spooky sounds in the middle of the night.

Offer to babysit for several friends and fill the house with half a dozen squealing, screaming, puking, snotty under 5s, and encourage them to interact with your guest. She/he could be the donkey they pin the tail on, for example. Or someone to practise their face painting skills on.

Laxatives in their coffee/tea/juice

Time to become a vegan..... a raw food vegan at that.