To think that hen do's are getting out of control?

I didn’t get a hen party because of lockdown wedding. Starting to think I was the lucky one

Agree it's rediculous. We've got a wedding coming up this summer and hen + stag + gift + hotel stay is costing us not much less than £1k as guests. And we can't say no because it's a close relative and we've known the bride since she was born and groom for 15 years.

Alone, or considerably richer?

I might get flamed but I’m having an abroad hen do but with caveats - I haven’t expected anyone to pay for me, I’m going to pay for at least a meal/drinks one night as a thank you. I didn’t get upset when people said they couldn’t afford it/didn’t want to go! We are all mostly working mums as well who don’t get time away so kind of using it as an excuse for a break but budget has been very clear up front to prevent surprises! If someone hands me a poxy six stories fucking bride to be tracksuit, I’d be saying return that rubbish and put it back in the drinks kitty please! Please don’t tar all abroad hen dos with the same brush is what I guess I’m trying to say.

Agree. So much money spent. So many marriages break down due to money stress.

I am not justify very expensive abroad hens, but I think people saying "just do it locally!" are forgetting that not everyone's guests to their hen live local to them. My friends are spread all over the country, so wherever we did it, someone would have to travel/stay overnight. In that scenario I think its fairer for everyone to travel to one holiday home/location.

And the group chats!!!! My god, the very worst thing to have come out of WhatsApp are hen do group chats!

I was added to one that within a couple of days was getting extortionate and was also in a really hard place for me to get to and back in a weekend. The bride is a good friend from school but I didn’t know anyone else invited. I messaged the bride saying I wouldn’t make the hen weekend but would take her for afternoon tea separately, in our home town. I messaged the group chat to say have fun but I won’t be able to make it and then left the chat. This was followed up by the woman in charge of organising sending me a private message about how I had let the bride down and how my “actions” would increase the cost for everyone else (this was within a week of being invited and I had not messaged the group chat at all). It was literally like a reprimand from a superior at work. Unbelievable.

It's normal enough these days but that doesn't mean the same as acceptable.

I have been on plenty of hen weekends and have enjoyed them all. And had my own. Not easy to do just a meal or pub trip when people live spread across the country. But usually a budget is agreed up front, not random continuous requests for money and none cost as much as £450 or were at all about insta/showing off

Agree! One night for just two to a friends has cost us £760 so far! There are people coming from further away so having to spend extra on travel and hotel. Organiser is very wealthy so doesn’t really care. We are going because the bride is a very good long term friend. I don’t think she knows how much it is costing people .

It very much depends on the person. I had my bachelorette abroad but I paid for everyone (there was 5 of us in total and we went for 4 days).

I also covered the cost of absolutely everything wedding wise for them as I don’t think they should be expected to contribute but I seem to be alone in this view!

I'm so grateful none of my friends have gone in for this sort of stuff. I'd have said no, but felt bad about it!

I personally think it's bad taste to have friends spend tonnes of money to celebrate your life stages! What's wrong with a spa day, meal and drinks? Of another activity that is more your sort of thing. The money, time and effort needed by others is just too much.

Didn’t have one and never been on one. Seems I dodged a bullet!

I had three hen dos but never expected anyone to go if they couldn't afford it. Or that everyone would come to all of them - it was more about celebrating with different sets of people than having three separate hen dos. I think alot is about the brides expectation rather than about how many or what she does.

I had my main hen do in a holiday cottage with a hot tub. Sort of chilled weekend away. A night out semi locally to those that couldn't attend the holiday cottage. Then an afternoon tea and night out the weekend before the wedding locally as my DH family live all over the world so couldn't make the others (its also tradition where his family are from for an afternoon tea style hen do with family).

But we were in our early 20s so used any excuse for a night out or weekend away with friends. No-one had kids and people joined what they could and didn't what they couldn't. I had a core group that joined all / two of the three.

It's really awful unless the bride is a lady of leisure with a close circle of equally ridiculously wealthy friends who have nothing better to do than enjoy each other's hen dos.

A nice afternoon tea, paid for by the bride for her friends, is what I'd have gone for if it wasn't covid. Hen do or not, you don't invite people and ask them to pay.

It is easy to say no but I think often people don't actually realise what they're getting sucked into until, as the OP said, the requests for more and more start coming in.

I wouldn't go to a hen do now that involves travelling anywhere.

@UnhappyHenny I really do get it, specially when its your SIL.

Maybe just for future ref, don't say yes to any hen-dos unless A) you really want to go or B) you can go just for the day

It is easy. I had exactly the same experience with my (now ex) SIL. After the first hen she was telling me all about it and pointedly said many of her friends had come even though they were skint. I pointedly said, I much preferred to be able to pay rent, and was surprised she asked her friends to go in to debt for one night out. Preserving the roof over my head was far more important than preserving my relationship with her. My brother said I needed to make sure I was keeping her on side as he didn’t want us to fall out. I gave him the choice. He either gave me the money for her ridiculously expensive requests or I would continue to say no. He didn’t want to pay either so I carried on saying no.

It’s all completely OTT. Marriage should be about marrying the person you love, not showing off on Instagram. 🙄

I have been invited to 2 recently
Said no
Is it totally self entitled "look at me " bollocks
Just say you cannot afford it
It really is that easy

They’ve been like this for decades.

Its sadly part and parcel of the way people fetishise weddings without giving any thought to the actual marriage.

I loathe the Disney Princess syndrome around weddings and all the narcissistic consumption mania it brings. Partly because its tacky and spoiled but mostly because it makes women tunnel visioned around their “big day” in a way that stops them thinking about the rest of their lives.