Hen do pressure when chronically ill

I would want to let her know that I absolutely want to come and it would mean the world to me, so please don’t think if I don’t attend it is because I didn’t want to or I’m being flaky, as you know my health has been really bad lately but I am still hoping and praying I will be well enough to attend.

I don't think your friend is unreasonable and all - she is excited about her event and trying to keep you included because you're her friend.

If there's non-refundable money to be paid for the hen-do then you will need to cover any financial loss if you can't make it. Otherwise, you should back out early in order to avoid financial loss.

You could promise her a special meal out just the 2 of you when you're feeling better to make it up to her.

This is really good - I have fibromyalgia and like you OP been really bad since xmas, can see now my body slightly recovering. I am lucky some of my friends know others or have family with same illness so they understand. You dont look sick but you are. I have this with work go in to the office on day a week and look perfect ( its my mask) they dont see how the drive to the office, talkin to people is physically draining that i am close to falling asleep on the way home, cant talk and in so much pain when get home i go straight to bed
I dont like missing out of some things, i enjoy nights out so i do my best to try and attend make sure i rest before that day and take time after to rest - try to find a balance. I would try and be there for even one day, but thats me, i dont want to stop life participation
Send this message and hopefully she understands

Do you have a plan to pace it? Build in some breaks, get lifts so you use less energy getting there etc? Don't let the badgering dissuade you from the regular rests which are key to making it work. No one is going to understand and offer them to you, and they won t appreciate you burning yourself out and ending up in bed for weeks.

It can be very effective to get a bit cross occasionally.

for example when I made it out for a few drinks one Saturday afternoon she said "see- you can do it when you try" - like it was just a lack of effort/choice on my part rather than a complete inability

That says it all really. She thinks you have control over it, despite playing the supportive friend.

When is the actual wedding OP? Is it likely that if you push yourself to attend the hen, you'll set yourself back and then be unable to attend the wedding?

I think she's probably just worried in case you flake at last minute. Have you actually told her upfront when she invited you that although you'd love to go, and would be happy to pay and then lose the money if you can't, you won't actually know if you can attend until the time? And does she want you to still plan to attend with this uncertainty or would she rather invite someone else?

If not then that's not very fair to her. If you have been upfront then she's being really unfair on you.

That's not supportive or compassionate. It's judgemental and quite cruel.
There seems to be enormous pressure on you regarding the hen do. In all honesty, because of this attitude I'd just back out now and give yourself some space.

Whether I have any idea or not isn't the issue

The OP says she has barely left the house since Christmas, some days she is functional - this is a weekend!

The OP is clearly worried about it

How is she supposed to do a full weekend, if some days she is functional??

Why lie, just be honest, the GP doesn't give a fig and her friends will know this

I agree that unless you’ve lived it people really don’t understand the unpredictability of chronic illness.

Try to view it that your friend really wants you at the hen, you clearly mean something to her. Maybe she’s trying to show you that and it isn’t coming from a place of pressure or guilt tripping

I know...

You said - 'Maybe I am looking at it too simply!' (about the likelihood of her being able to go)

She said - 'i think you are'

You said - 'you can think what you like'

My point it - she is a better judge of whether your view of how likely it is she will be able to attend is simplistic or not.

I don't think you're going to manage a full weekend. I've got cfs/stomach issues and I have been out of the house quite a lot since Christmas but there's no way I'd agree to go. Even if I managed the weekend (I wouldn't), it would take weeks to recover.

I do totally understand not wanting to accept this life and worrying about losing your friends. I still can't pace because every time I start to recover I think I'm back to normal. I just never seem to learn.

Can you say you have spoken to GP and they have advised you not to go. I kniw its lying but it might shut her up x

*lives day to day

You clearly have NO IDEA about living with a chronic illness @IwishIcouldconfess.
perhaps you should take the time to read up before commenting. I have a friend with one. She is high functioning with a very successful business. She loves day to day. I’d hate her to say no to everything. We support her and understand that she lives with the HOPE of being able to have a “normal” day. Please show some compassion.

OP YANBU at all. I hope you can go because you are well enough to.

She doesn't know the level of chronic illness you are living with. I think you are sensitive as this is your life and reading too much into her messages.

You say she's supportive.

She's messaging you directly as she's really excited about her hen and wants you there.

Hopefully you'll be well enough to take part, even if only for part of it.

Try not to overthink it.

You need to state your position.

I will not make it to your hen due to ongoing health issues.

You don’t need to apologise or explain yourself.

If she brings it up again, refer her back to your previous note.

OP I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I so have a chronic illness though a less debilitating one and it's rubbish. I agree with you that if you can't go it's no different to anyone else that needs to pull out last minute. Especially as you have already thought ahead and know that you're not needed for numbers and that no-one else will be out of pocket. I also don't think some posters understand how difficult it is when you really want to do something and have that hope that your body might not let you down that day and you get to do something normal for once. It's particularly difficult in the earlier stages of an illness when you're still adjusting and grieving for what you used to be able to do. A lot of people struggle to understand chronic illness until they've experienced it themselves or in someone close to them.

Have you thought about ways you might join part of the weekend? I'm thinking if you feel well enough to eg join for a meal, or a morning, or an afternoon? Or going for day time activities but to rest in the evening? I often do this. I hope you manage to make some / all of the weekend. If not, be kind to yourself as I'm sure you'll be gutted. And I hope your friend understands.

The OP was referring to a comment I made.

I had long covid and can honestly say I struggled to know day to day how I would feel, some days enormous headaches , some chronic buzzing in nerves, very frightening. I do think most friends struggle to understand the eraticness of some chronic conditions because it can be one day you seem reasonably ok, and then the next you aren’t - I have a friend with secondary progressive MS and she is the same, one week she can be at gigs twice a week, then using sticks/wheelchairs for a few weeks .she is reluctant to turn things down because she feels she will stop being asked, so I’m not sure what the answer is