Hen do pressure when chronically ill

There have been a few times I've questioned whether she truly understands (for example when I made it out for a few drinks one Saturday afternoon she said "see- you can do it when you try" - like it was just a lack of effort/choice on my part rather than a complete inability). It's comments like the latter which really hurt as if there's any way I can humanly make something, I will! I'm sure it isn't meant in a hurtful way though.

I think that's an incredibly shitty thing for her to have said and it's made me really angry on your behalf!

I think you would be wise to be a lot firmer with her or she can, frankly, get lost.

Few people can truly understand the debilitating effects of chronic illnesses. Some people are sympathetic. And then some people don’t even make the effort to care.

Unfortunately, it seems that your friend is one of the more selfish. At least over her wedding. Weddings do send some people a bit crazy so maybe she’s caught up in her bridal bubble! You’re unlikely to get through to her while she’s like this, so you need to change how to react in this situation.

If you had 2 broken legs you wouldn’t feel so guilty about not being able to go, would you. So, don’t beat yourself up here.

I have chronic illnesses, too. When I have to cancel on someone, usually at the last minute, I tell them that I’m sad to mess them about and that I’m very sorry. And that I hope they won’t give up on me! I don’t feel the kind of guilt you’re experiencing, though. I can’t help my body letting me down, after all. And neither can you.

I hate to say it but this friend won’t be in your life much longer. My ‘best’ friend started this shit when my chronic illness started to impact my ability to socialise. We’d been friends for 30 years. She guilt tripped me, made me feel like a terrible friend for letting her down and then dumped me, said we’d grown apart. It devastated me but don’t need selfish people like that in your life.

Try not to let it get to you. Life with chronic illness is brutal, you have my sympathy.

If I was your friend reading your messages I would feel so upset reading them that I hadn't been more sensitive to how your illness affects you, so I would want to know.

If she knows and and still persists with the guilt trip messages then she isn't a good friend x

I feel for you OP as I have CF as part of my autoimmune disorders (psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia), and constantly feel I’m letting people down as I cancel (like today!) I literally dropped my child to college in the car and flaked out for 4 hours! It’s poxy too that you don’t feel refreshed as such after the sleep. It sounds like it may be a good option though as at least they’re in an air bnb and pyjama party sounds like fun you can easily drop in and out of. I hope you’re able to make it and get some fun, I rarely go out either, but when I do it’s great, albeit I usually pay for it with pain and fatigue

ok, wrt to more intimate ceremony abroad, fair enough.

"Just wish I could look forward to these events - and attend without consequence!"

Your "friend" is holding you accountable for something, totally outwith your control though @Cherry346

How do you reconcile, within yourself, accepting such contemptuous behaviour from her?

Fuck’s sake, can some people not read? The OP has said very clearly that she won’t disadvantage anyone if she doesn’t go and doesn’t let people know until the last minute; there are no numbers to make up or costs that will be lost.
The ‘friend’ behaving very badly, and she obviously has form for it, going by her previous comment about how the OP ‘can do it if she tries’
I’d send the message that someone else suggests, and then if she doesn’t respond positively I would basically give up on her as a friend.

It’s not about understanding. It’s about money! Hen dos can cost a lot. Of course the bride and her organisers cannot be paying up for people who don’t come. Why not be honest now and say you cannot make it. If they are able to be flexible, great, but don’t expect it.

Sorry to be blunt, but this person isn't a friend she's a bully. Tell he you can't make the hen do and cut all further contact.

@Nevermind17

"My bf recently got the hump with me when she discovered I’m on PIP"

best friend? with that sort of churlishness, in what universe?

You can’t rely on a person with a chronic illness for numbers. I’m sorry but that’s a ‘them’ problem. A true friend would understand that. OP won’t know if she’s well enough to attend until the time. There’s nothing she can do to change that, other than pull out now (which might end up being the wrong decision).

OP, you do what’s right for you. I’m in a similar boat. I’ve gradually become more ill over the past few years. I’m now in a wheelchair. My bf recently got the hump with me when she discovered I’m on PIP. She said it was unfair because she has health problems too (though a different condition) though she works full-time and I’m mostly bedridden. She’s always asking me to do things that I’ve been incapable of doing for years. It’s like she’s just blind to it. Sometimes people see what they want to see and they need things spelling out.

I think if you’ve got an activity or some such booked and are likely to bail on the last moment meaning everyone’s else pays more then I think it’s fair enough. Ditto if there’s limited numbers and you’re holding a space but unlikely to attend.

@Cherry346 do not, in the slightest, feel guilty.

You have a chronic illness.

Your "actual" real-life friends would completely empathise, without pressurising.

Take this as a learning opportunity to redefine what being a friend means, to you.

This person does not present herself as a true friend and when you've also said "the wedding is abroad and I'm not actually invited to that"

I would say to you, jeopardise away, and worry not, this really is not what friendship looks like, is it?

its so hard aint it OP - this is the one thing that really upsets me with chronic illness. I love going out, love catching up with friends, having cocktails and wine or even just lunch. You can go one day and be fine then do the exact same and you have a flare up that takes ages to recover from.
We do our very best each day

Because with chronic illness, especially unpredictable & fluctuating ones, a person may be able to join in with some of the event if not all of it.

Believe me, its a pretty bleak existence and ME is one of the bleakest, its as essential for a person's mental health and quality of life to find a safe way to participate as it is to prioritise rest & recovery.

She doesn't necessarily have to do a full weekend, participating in everything, but right now she's trying to balance being able to participate a little, in a manageable way, than not at all.

For ME patients, hope is incredibly important. Don't be so quick to encourage the op to narrow her world even further, just because it seems the most logical solution to you.

So tell her that… she wants you to know you’re wanted. You feel that she’s pressuring you in a way you can’t handle because your illness isn’t predictable or bearable.

So tell her. She’s your friend. Communicate.

It is actually.

When you're chronically ill, maintain friendships is hard. I have MEcfs. I don't want to arrange to do things and then cancel and let people down. I don't want to say no either and never see anyone. Even family events are very difficult and I didn't know if I could a wedding until the day before.

Even then, it takes great strength to put yourself first physically and say no.

It really is very hard.

@Cherry346 In this instance, I wouldn't go. In my experience, all relationships have had to change since I got ill. My friends have been wonderful mostly. Family and one or two others, a bit difficult at times. You can't allow yourself to be guilt tripped if the consequence of you pushing yourself are severe.

She doesn’t truly understand , people who don’t have chronic illness don’t understand as much as they might try to. There’s no point getting annoyed that someone doesn’t understand or you’ll be annoyed at everyone. People will accept that you won’t be at things, or will cancel etc but that’s not understanding, that’s why she said what she did because she has no comprehension of how it affects a person and thinks you can just push through it

These events usually need numbers for booking though don’t they. So you need to make a decision I think. People just want to be happy about their wedding and it takes over your life. Giving out endless sympathy is probably not on her agenda at the moment. It’s what it is. Bow out gracefully.

I disagree with not ever attending events in case you don’t feel able too… but I would expect good friends to understand that I might have to bail on the day if needed.

It’s absolutely not the same thing as this was temporary but when I went through months of severe pregnancy sickness I explained to friends that I’d love to come, will pay etc but I might have to pull out on the day if I am very unwell. Good friends get that.

”Hi X, I’m so excited for you too! What a lovely year with you getting married, hen do and UK celebrations in June. Unfortunately due to my chronic illness although I do plan to come and desperately want to celebrate with you at the hen, I have to see how I am which could possibly mean pulling out the day or the day before. I understand this isn’t ideal but it’s the only thing I can suggest and wanted to be completely honest as your best friend. I’m struggling to leave the house at the moment and it’s been 3 months of utter hell. Hope you understand? But let’s say for now I’m coming!”

I would bow out gracefully now as she may be able to ask someone else or need numbers for something.

This happened to friends recently, not a hen but a big function akin to a wedding, the ill friend kept on saying to the host friend that she hoped to come literally up until the last minute - which meant host friend had to foot the bill for her no-show (prob around the 80 quid mark). There’s more to it than this but it’s irrelevant to the post.

I could see both sides tbh - if you’re ill, you’re ill. I’ve had to miss a couple of big things due to a chronic illness flaring up on the day leaving me bed bound, but ordinarily I would’ve been fine to go ie, j didn’t know til that day and felt really bad letting down my friend. My friend was great about it cos they knew I always make things ordinarily.

This message is really good but I would replace the last couple of sentences with something more positive. Instead of 'Obviously . . . ' I'd go with what you put in your OP. "There's nothing more that I would like than . . . " Leave her in no doubt that you would love to be there, but perhaps add that 'It's not just a case of mind over matter with this wretched illness. I'll be there if I can, but won't know until the day how my body is behaving. Please don't keep texting! I know you want me to be there and I will be if I possibly can . . .'

Sending best wishes. We have a family member and a close friend with ME/CFS. It's tough but you have to look after yourself first and foremost.

I think she is genuinely dim and pretty awful to put pressure on you when you are clearly under enough pressure.
Send a firm clear message.
The truth is that your priority is your health, particularly if you have children, not to exacerbate symptoms.

I have an autoimmune disease and it has meant that I go through periods where I will commit to nothing.
Backing out last minute is not something i feel comfortable with so I sm honestvand just say No.
My friends are very understanding and I will often just cknfirm for casual meet ups, on the day if in a flare up window.

Its life. Good friends will understand.
Take care.