Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

137 replies

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 01:38

If you had absolute proof?
If it was many years ago?
What if you didn’t know them?
What if you know because the affair was with you but you didn’t know then and have only just found out?

Or is it best to leave it well alone?

OP posts:
AllJoyAndNoFun · 06/03/2026 06:43

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:41

I am the ex. He started dating another woman before our relationship ended. I was the one who ended it but it was amicable, in part because I didn’t know he was cheating. He subsequently married the other woman. He recently got back in touch and told me he had left her because she was abusive. I checked SM to see if this was true and it turns out they are very much still married and I also discovered their relationship started months before he told me it did. My question is, does she have a right to know or should I leave it since so much time has passed. He also doesn’t know I know.

No - stay out of it. Sounds completely toxic so just tell him to stop contacting you.

AllJoyAndNoFun · 06/03/2026 06:42

Thing is you never know what goes on in other people's relationships and what their terms are, so unless I knew the person I was about to tell really well, and was as sure as I could be that he/she would want to know, I wouldn't say anything.

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:41

I am the ex. He started dating another woman before our relationship ended. I was the one who ended it but it was amicable, in part because I didn’t know he was cheating. He subsequently married the other woman. He recently got back in touch and told me he had left her because she was abusive. I checked SM to see if this was true and it turns out they are very much still married and I also discovered their relationship started months before he told me it did. My question is, does she have a right to know or should I leave it since so much time has passed. He also doesn’t know I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:35

Adelle79360 · 06/03/2026 06:34

Sounds like he did the right thing and ended the first relationship to be in the second?

I’m not sure about this. But then it’s all a bit cryptic and riddles and perhaps I haven’t understood the issue - you want to tell woman 1 that he was in a relationship with you when he hadn’t ended it with her?

Show quote history

No, at least two but probably three or four months of seeing both women. At one point he took one to a hotel, then a week later, the other as just one example.

OP posts:
Adelle79360 · 06/03/2026 06:34

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:19

Yes, the man involved in both the relationships was cheating as neither women knew he was seeing the other.

Show quote history

Sounds like he did the right thing and ended the first relationship to be in the second?

I’m not sure about this. But then it’s all a bit cryptic and riddles and perhaps I haven’t understood the issue - you want to tell woman 1 that he was in a relationship with you when he hadn’t ended it with her?

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:33

BoldBlueZebra · 06/03/2026 06:23

No the only person you want to make feel better here is you.

I’m not sure anyone would feel good in this situation, it’s more of a moral/right thing to do question. I certainly don’t feel good knowing I was cheated on at the end. I thought we’d split amicably and had remained distant friends. Obviously not now.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:25

PollyBell · 06/03/2026 06:22

I would juat get a hobby its simpler

Show quote history

May I suggest posting on mumsnet?

OP posts:
BoldBlueZebra · 06/03/2026 06:23

No the only person you want to make feel better here is you.

PollyBell · 06/03/2026 06:22

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:19

Yes, the man involved in both the relationships was cheating as neither women knew he was seeing the other.

Show quote history

I would juat get a hobby its simpler

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:19

PollyBell · 06/03/2026 06:17

So no ome cheated then?

Why didnt you just state this clearly in the op instead of talking in riddles

Either there is cheating or not if it has to be this convoluted then I would have a Becks and good lie down instead, alone would be safer on my head

Show quote history

Yes, the man involved in both the relationships was cheating as neither women knew he was seeing the other.

OP posts:
Globules · 06/03/2026 06:18

I have told a spouse about his wife having an affair...but it was my XH she was having the affair with.

I wouldn't otherwise.

Sits back and waits for the thread to change in tone as the UK wakes up...

PollyBell · 06/03/2026 06:17

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:15

Yes, that is the question - would you tell the innocent spouse if you had inadvertently been an affair partner? The guilty spouse will not tell them. In this case, it is not a gullible person but a situation where the end and beginning of two relationships overlapped and neither of them knew.

Show quote history

So no ome cheated then?

Why didnt you just state this clearly in the op instead of talking in riddles

Either there is cheating or not if it has to be this convoluted then I would have a Becks and good lie down instead, alone would be safer on my head

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:16

B1anche · 06/03/2026 06:15

"moment of weakness"
🙄

Show quote history

It is interesting to me that @Silverbirchleaf correctly identified the cheater as male.

OP posts:
B1anche · 06/03/2026 06:15

Silverbirchleaf · 06/03/2026 06:08

No, I wouldn’t tell. It’s the past. Maybe it was a moment of weakness on his part, and he’s moved on and has been a hundred percent faithful since then.

"moment of weakness"
🙄

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:15

PollyBell · 06/03/2026 06:11

I dont care what is is called or how it is dressed up the only person who has the responsibility to tell me is the person who cheats on me or the gullible person who falls for it if they chose too

Show quote history

Yes, that is the question - would you tell the innocent spouse if you had inadvertently been an affair partner? The guilty spouse will not tell them. In this case, it is not a gullible person but a situation where the end and beginning of two relationships overlapped and neither of them knew.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 06/03/2026 06:11

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:08

Surely gossip is about other people. It’s just news if it’s about you personally.

Show quote history

I dont care what is is called or how it is dressed up the only person who has the responsibility to tell me is the person who cheats on me or the gullible person who falls for it if they chose too

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:10

Silverbirchleaf · 06/03/2026 06:08

No, I wouldn’t tell. It’s the past. Maybe it was a moment of weakness on his part, and he’s moved on and has been a hundred percent faithful since then.

Not a one off, months long sustained affair.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:09

MayaPinion · 06/03/2026 05:17

Yes, always. I was cheated on and some of my friends knew but didn’t tell me. The sense of betrayal was almost as much towards them as my ex. Even if I didn’t know someone I would tell them - everyone deserves to be able to make decisions in full knowledge of all the facts. What they do with that information (and they may choose to do nothing) is up to them.

I’m so sorry. This was my very similar personal experience as well which may be colouring my view.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 06/03/2026 06:08

No, I wouldn’t tell. It’s the past. Maybe it was a moment of weakness on his part, and he’s moved on and has been a hundred percent faithful since then.

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:08

PollyBell · 06/03/2026 05:14

No because I don't dress gossip up as a community service

Surely gossip is about other people. It’s just news if it’s about you personally.

OP posts:
Heatedrival · 06/03/2026 06:06

No. You don’t know if they would be physically harmed by their OH and I couldn’t risk that.
Also you never know all the circumstances and I’m not a sanctimonious twat.

Original poster
KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:04

Beekman · 06/03/2026 02:26

Leave it all in the past. How is raking it all up going to make your life any better now?

The question is not about making anyone’s life better, rather, is it about whether it is the right thing to do?

OP posts:
acorncrush · 06/03/2026 06:02

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 02:05

A further question:

What if their spouse had recently got in touch and lied about them being separated? Would the old news become relevant or is it still a separate issue?

Why would they do that? This is a strange situation.

I’m not sure what the answer is, but if I was making a decision like should I have children with my partner and there was a strong reason I shouldn’t such as an affair, that kind of information could be life changing.

PermanentTemporary · 06/03/2026 06:01

I would never choose to tell anyone. I don’t believe I would want to know myself, so I don’t take it on myself to tell others.

Bikergran · 06/03/2026 05:58

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 02:05

A further question:

What if their spouse had recently got in touch and lied about them being separated? Would the old news become relevant or is it still a separate issue?

The adulterer was a slimeball then, and is a slimeball now. Quite likely the spouse already knows/suspects this. I'd just go completely NC, block on every level and move on with your life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread