Page 4 | Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

KeepOff · 2026-03-06T01:38:49+00:00

If you had absolute proof? If it was many years ago? What if you didn’t know them? What if you know because the affair was with you but you didn’t know then and have only just found out? Or is it best to leave it well alone?

Lookingdownthebarrell · 07/03/2026 20:27

My Ex cheated on me. His friends knew at the time. For years i had a “good marriage” with some issues in important areas, I
felt that something was off but because he was “a good man” I spent my heart and soul
trying to fix myself.

I found out much later. I don’t care about people’s motivation for telling me. I would want to be told because I’d want to know and then decide what I wanted to do. The ex did not do the work to repair the things that were wrong with us so I left. Because I knew it wasn’t about me it freed me to leave - that is it. It frees people who like me think the problem is with us. Because the cheater has is fixing the problem in other ways we can’t actually fix anything.

StephensLass1977 · 07/03/2026 20:23

No, I'd leave well alone. Been through this way too many times and have never once been thanked or shown any gratitude for telling a cheated-on spouse. Because most people's default is to try and hold onto what is familiar to them, the messenger always gets shot.

Zerosleep · 07/03/2026 20:19

Stay out of other peoples business and leave it alone. Things have a way of coming out and someone else’s relationship is nothing to do with you. The only way I would say something would be if it was a close family member or my best friend.

jrc1071 · 07/03/2026 20:14

Heatedrival · 06/03/2026 06:06

No. You don’t know if they would be physically harmed by their OH and I couldn’t risk that.
Also you never know all the circumstances and I’m not a sanctimonious twat.

I agree. SS wife is the primary relationship, he is a narcissist. He is using that to get supply. And if she tries to leave, he may become physically violent, just so he can maintain his image.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/03/2026 20:04

No where affairs are concerned see nothing say nothing hear nothing especially if they had kids. Not only that but for all I was to know they could have an open relationship.

Tuesdayschild50 · 07/03/2026 19:59

Absolutely no.. its the past who are you trying to hurt because that's all you'll be doing.
Get a life of your own and you won't care.

Justaspy · 07/03/2026 18:48

Do it anonymously

BlueYazoo · 07/03/2026 18:48

I once told a friend about her partner’s affairs as she would spend hours analysing his every move, constantly obsessing that he was cheating and always asking if I had heard anything/knew anything. However, he lied, she chose to believe him, he turned it all around on me and I was left out in the cold. They got married and had children, he never changed his ways. Sadly she passed away not long ago but we never regained that friendship. Never again will I ever tell anyone the truth in this regard

Pessismistic · 07/03/2026 18:29

Op do you know her personally or on social media? I might be tempted to message her and ask if they have really split up as your considering going back to him as he is now single then see what her reply is . Op then mention to her that she was the other woman back in the day when you were dating him. Let him talk himself out of that conversation.

Swiftie1878 · 07/03/2026 14:04

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 07:41

Technically, she was the affair as I’d been with him several years by the time he started seeing her but I agree, the fact that he recently got in touch with me saying he was single makes the old cheating present material. I know they met online so he was actively looking to cheat, and with hindsight, probably not for the first time. I’m almost certain she didn’t know about me based on what she was posting at the time. I’d also want to know but seems we’re in the minority.

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I’m on Team Tell, too.

Adelle79360 · 07/03/2026 13:52

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:41

I am the ex. He started dating another woman before our relationship ended. I was the one who ended it but it was amicable, in part because I didn’t know he was cheating. He subsequently married the other woman. He recently got back in touch and told me he had left her because she was abusive. I checked SM to see if this was true and it turns out they are very much still married and I also discovered their relationship started months before he told me it did. My question is, does she have a right to know or should I leave it since so much time has passed. He also doesn’t know I know.

Why didn’t you just explain it this simply in the OP?!

Anyway, perhaps she knew he was with you when she started seeing him? Rarely does knowing they have a partner stop people from getting involved.

Personally given your updates I’d just block and delete. You don’t owe her anything, and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of even responding to ask him to stop contacting you.

Original poster

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 07:41

HopSpringsEternal · 06/03/2026 07:32

I would want to know if my husband was pursuing someone he had an affair with. Im amazed so many people wouldn't.

Technically, she was the affair as I’d been with him several years by the time he started seeing her but I agree, the fact that he recently got in touch with me saying he was single makes the old cheating present material. I know they met online so he was actively looking to cheat, and with hindsight, probably not for the first time. I’m almost certain she didn’t know about me based on what she was posting at the time. I’d also want to know but seems we’re in the minority.

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Original poster

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 07:38

BarbiesDreamHome · 06/03/2026 07:26

In that situation, I'd tell her about the recent message, because it's extremely relevant now, and omit the early days stuff. That looks like you're trying to cause trouble. If she decides to forgive him now then I don't think the early cheating will factor into a decision to split and if she stays it will make it worse for her.

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Thanks. This is what I’m leaning towards and if she wants to know more, she can always ask.

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youalright · 06/03/2026 07:36

Block him and keep your mouth shut

HopSpringsEternal · 06/03/2026 07:32

I would want to know if my husband was pursuing someone he had an affair with. Im amazed so many people wouldn't.

BarbiesDreamHome · 06/03/2026 07:26

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:41

I am the ex. He started dating another woman before our relationship ended. I was the one who ended it but it was amicable, in part because I didn’t know he was cheating. He subsequently married the other woman. He recently got back in touch and told me he had left her because she was abusive. I checked SM to see if this was true and it turns out they are very much still married and I also discovered their relationship started months before he told me it did. My question is, does she have a right to know or should I leave it since so much time has passed. He also doesn’t know I know.

In that situation, I'd tell her about the recent message, because it's extremely relevant now, and omit the early days stuff. That looks like you're trying to cause trouble. If she decides to forgive him now then I don't think the early cheating will factor into a decision to split and if she stays it will make it worse for her.

Maddy70 · 06/03/2026 07:17

If it would rip my family apart I would rather remain in blissful ignorance

Original poster

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 07:07

SardinesOnButteredToast · 06/03/2026 06:52

I'd want to know. I mean, I'd hate every single thing about it, but I'd want to know.

See, I feel the same but I’m aware not everybody feels that way, hence me asking.

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Original poster

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 07:06

AdaDex · 06/03/2026 07:02

You won't change your situation by screwing someone else over.

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I’m not seeking to change my situation. I’m seeking to do the right thing by her.

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Original poster

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 07:06

Maddy70 · 06/03/2026 06:59

What do you think will be gained by telling ?

She would gain the truth. He’s clearly up to no good given he just lied about being separated from her so he has form. Looking back, I think there were probably a couple of other times he cheated on me so he is a serial cheat and they steely change IME. Perhaps she’s suspicious and this will be the final puzzle piece. It could also lead to him finally getting a consequence. Obviously none of this is guaranteed so potentially nothing could come of it except hurt feelings. It then becomes a moral question which is why I framed it the way I did in my op.

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AdaDex · 06/03/2026 07:02

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:09

I’m so sorry. This was my very similar personal experience as well which may be colouring my view.

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You won't change your situation by screwing someone else over.

Maddy70 · 06/03/2026 06:59

What do you think will be gained by telling ?

SardinesOnButteredToast · 06/03/2026 06:52

I'd want to know. I mean, I'd hate every single thing about it, but I'd want to know.

Original poster

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:46

Imnotanewbie · 06/03/2026 06:44

Block him and move on.

He is blocked and has been for a long time. He sometimes contacts me on a withheld number. I had no idea he was such a 💩 until this week when he got in touch out of the blue.

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Imnotanewbie · 06/03/2026 06:44

Block him and move on.