Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

If anyone has ‘ruined their life’, it was him when he cheated on her. It’s clear that he is minimally intending to cheat on her again if he hasn’t already, which could put her sexual health at risk. I’m not concerned about revenge. Neither of them know where I live now.

True and actually, if I knew her, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her.

I don’t know why he got in touch now. I haven’t spoken to him in 2.5 years when he told me he was about to have urgent cancer investigations then I didn’t hear anything again until he wished me happy birthday by email 6 months later. I ignored it. I haven’t contacted him since I blocked him 7 years ago. Given that he lied about being single and was asking to meet up, my guess is he is trying to cheat on her, which makes the overlap relevant info now.

Thank you. Yes, that’s right. I’m considering this as an option although I think he could more easily talk his way out of a phone call over actual cheating.

I have ample evidence of the overlap (because I never delete anything, no wonder storage is costing me so much 😂) but not much from the recent call. He called from a withheld number. I do have him leaving his name on call screening (which I didn’t listen to before answering or I’d not have bothered). We talked about other stuff during the conversation so in theory I’ll know stuff I couldn’t possibly know unless we’d spoken. He told a lot of lies to back up the separation story though - said he had moved into a furnished flat in a specific location as he had to leave suddenly without anything and that he was in therapy due to it all so it’s possible he lied the whole way through the call. It’s actually pretty creepy to me how naturally and easily he lied and now I’m wondering if my relationship with him was similarly built on total lies.

I’m sorry you’ve also experienced this @Nevermind17. Me too and when I put myself in her shoes, I’d want to know. It’s interesting that others who have experienced this say the same thing. The fact that he called me and tried to make out he’s single and asked me to meet up with him suggests to me that he has cheated since or is intending to so this is not just about the past.

So much projection here that’s it’s barely worth responding. Just because you can’t imagine being motivated by anything other than bitterness is a you problem. I think you’ll find that it was he who ‘ruined their life’, it happened whether she knows or not. But I accept that ignorance is bliss which is why this feels like a dilemma.

So? 🤷‍♀️ I want to tell her because I feel like it’s the right thing to do and because if I put myself in her shoes, I’d want to know. Indeed I have been in her shoes and I was glad to be told. But also, I think there’s a good chance he’s still cheating on her, or intends to, and this might be useful information to her in a wider context. Ideally, I’d be able to ask her if she’d want to know but obviously I can’t do that so asking here is the next best thing.

I’m sorry you have also experienced the double betrayal of being cheated on and also knowing that people knew and didn’t say anything. I have experienced just that in my marriage (before this guy). For me, the humiliation of everyone knowing was the wisest part. I’ve noticed that people who have been through it, very rarely say ‘I wish I’d been left in the dark’ - maybe in the immediate aftermath but longer term, people seem to say they’re glad they had the truth. If I put myself in her shoes I’d want to know. But also, I’m aware that ignorance is bliss. In an ideal world, I’d be able to ask her if she’d want to know but then of course by asking, you’re also telling.

Thanks. I’m not too concerned about being shot as the messenger to be fair. I just want to do the right thing.

I think he’s a covert narc actually but he’s not violent. If that’s the case, she has bigger problems anyway but it may be the impetus to finally leave. It was for me in my abusive marriage (not to this guy).

Thanks for answering the question. I have a very full life thanks but somehow still have the ability to care about people I don’t know and things that don’t affect me.

I can see the appeal but I think that would be unkind. I would want to give her the opportunity to question/interrogate me if she wanted to. I have nothing to hide.

That’s really sad @BlueYazoo. I agree, there’s a really good chance she won’t believe me but I’ve been called by the OW before and left him (XH, not this guy). She gave me the missing information I needed to piece all the clues together and finally see through his gaslighting. She was actually really unkind in the way she told me but I was still grateful to know the truth. I don’t run the risk of losing a friend in this situation but I can imagine that would add another layer to the dilemma. Conversely, I would tell someone close to me without hesitation because keeping secrets for cheaters is complicity IMO. I think you did the right thing, it’s just a shame that no good deed goes unpunished.

I don’t know her. I’d never even looked her up before this week. We have no mutual friends either. That’s a clever way of framing it actually. If I decide to message her, I will do it like that. Only downside is that he might think I want him back 🤢

Because, I knew as soon as I provided any details at all, posters would start projecting and filling the blanks with made up stories such as: I’m obsessed with him, or I am trying to hurt her, or I’m jealous and I don’t have a life and I can’t possibly be motivated by altruism or thinking this might be the right thing to do. The neutral framing was an attempt to get posters to answer the question I am asking myself: should I tell his wife this information?

Based on what I’ve seen, I really don’t think she knew about the overlap, but if she did, she’s not going to be bothered by the information so it’s immaterial to the dilemma. He is already blocked.

P.s. I also know I’m going to be told repeatedly to block him even though he is blocked on everything he can be blocked on. He calls me from a withheld number and has emailed from a throwaway account before. No, I can’t ignore withheld numbers because my daughter has significant health needs and I get a lot of legit withheld medical calls. No, I won’t change my number - I’ve had it 25 years and it will be a massive hassle. Yes, I will tell him not to contact me again if he calls. This is not directed at you btw, just getting the answers in early.