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Original poster

Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

137 replies

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 01:38

If you had absolute proof?
If it was many years ago?
What if you didn’t know them?
What if you know because the affair was with you but you didn’t know then and have only just found out?

Or is it best to leave it well alone?

OP posts:
NoCommentingFromNowOn · 08/03/2026 15:02

Generally, I would tell, because I would want to be told in that situation, and the person has the right to know about their sexual health being at risk, life choices etc, the cancer analogy is very good.

However, in this case I wouldn’t, because you don’t know her. But the next time he contacted me I would engage enough to get something in writing eg ‘we’re divorced’, ‘I left her’, ‘I’d love to spend the night with you’ then I’d tell him if he ever contacted you again you would send her all the screenshots.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 08/03/2026 14:50

Block him and get a life/ get on with your life

BrownandBlueCarpet · 08/03/2026 14:41

KeepOff · 08/03/2026 00:38

Thanks. I’m not too concerned about being shot as the messenger to be fair. I just want to do the right thing.

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You don't know this woman, you owe her no debt of honesty and she is unlikely to believe you are contacting her in good faith.

Most people don't want to hear from a stranger that their husband has been unfaithful. It's bad enough hearing it from someone you know and trust who you can be sure is motivated by good intentions.

When it comes from a stranger, especially one who might have an axe to grind, it is unlikely to be welcome.

Whatever your true motives, you must leave this woman alone. She doesn't need to hear what you have got to say. She has been with him long enough to know who and what he is.

They are no longer part of your life. They can sort themselves out without you.

Let them go.

Swiftie1878 · 08/03/2026 14:19

Having read all responses, I’m still in ‘Team Tell’.
I would ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY want to know if I were in her shoes.

Miranda65 · 08/03/2026 14:07

Never. Because it's none of my business.
At best, the person would just think I'm interfering.
At worst, it could cause untold pain and damage for a number of people - why on earth would anyone want to do that?

namechanged3210 · 08/03/2026 14:04

Didn’t turn to an affair, but I was told that my then bf was attempting to try it on with a friend of mine, and I still feel - 22 years on- very grateful to be told

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 14:02

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2026 13:44

It always amuses me when someone says that the person who tells will 'ruin the life' of the betrayed spouse. First off, the cheater has already done that. Secondly, they act as if living in ignorance is really preferable to knowing the truth and that's ridiculous. Yes, it's going to cause pain. But after the pain will come the ability to make a decision about one's life based on the entire truth, not half truths or lies. Everyone deserves that and no one deserves to have their choices taken away.

This is no different than withholding a cancer diagnosis. We all believe that the patient has the right to know and to guide their life in the direction they want it to go. Why shouldn't a betrayed spouse?

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Thanks so much to those who have engaged with the question I asked. Still doesn’t feel like an easy decision and I’m wondering if I should tell her about the recent phone call and then say there’s more, but it was in the past so I will leave it up to you if you would like to know/ happy to answer questions etc.

This has hit the nail on the head @AcrossthePond55 because the crux of the dilemma was always ‘does she have a right to know’ even if it’s difficult to hear/bad news. I agree with you. I think she does. There is no other way she would find this out without me telling her and he’s obviously not going to.

This question perhaps poses a wider observation about people keeping quiet about wrongdoing vs whistleblowing. Whistleblowers more often than not experience negative consequences for doing so but they do it anyway because it is the right thing to do. I wonder how many of the ‘don’t tell’ would turn a blind to other wrongdoing? 🤔

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2026 13:44

KeepOff · 08/03/2026 01:22

If anyone has ‘ruined their life’, it was him when he cheated on her. It’s clear that he is minimally intending to cheat on her again if he hasn’t already, which could put her sexual health at risk. I’m not concerned about revenge. Neither of them know where I live now.

Show quote history

It always amuses me when someone says that the person who tells will 'ruin the life' of the betrayed spouse. First off, the cheater has already done that. Secondly, they act as if living in ignorance is really preferable to knowing the truth and that's ridiculous. Yes, it's going to cause pain. But after the pain will come the ability to make a decision about one's life based on the entire truth, not half truths or lies. Everyone deserves that and no one deserves to have their choices taken away.

This is no different than withholding a cancer diagnosis. We all believe that the patient has the right to know and to guide their life in the direction they want it to go. Why shouldn't a betrayed spouse?

LondonLady1980 · 08/03/2026 12:50

I would absolutely want to know if my partner was cheating on me.

Aprilmaymum · 08/03/2026 10:56

Yes you must tell her. I would be more hurt that other knew and I didn’t. Like making a fool out of me. So yes tell her

EvieBB · 08/03/2026 10:53

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 06:46

He is blocked and has been for a long time. He sometimes contacts me on a withheld number. I had no idea he was such a 💩 until this week when he got in touch out of the blue.

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I'd at least tell him that I knew....
Really not sure if I'd tell her though....

Mcoco · 08/03/2026 09:17

I bet she has figured out what he is like by now! If not she soon will! So in response to your question no i would move on and live your life.

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 09:01

Missj25 · 08/03/2026 07:22

Oh this is what he is doing now , contacting you pretending to be single , what a fucking asshole .
I don’t know what I’d do being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️.
A historic affair is something I wouldn’t say anything about , this is different though .
Is she his wife & have they got children?

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Thank you for actually engaging with the problem and understanding why this is such a dilemma. It feels like a grey area to me.

He told me a long time ago that she doesn’t and can’t have children. Turns out she has two adult kids. He has a son who turns 18 this year. They have no kids together. He told me there’s no joint property when talking about his imaginary divorce but who knows if that was another lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 08:56

ForCalmScroller · 08/03/2026 02:49

Bunny boiler alert!

Misogynist alert!

of course I must be crazy to want to help a woman who’s been cheated on 🙄

OP posts:
Missj25 · 08/03/2026 07:22

KeepOff · 08/03/2026 01:25

This is why it doesn’t feel so clear cut. If I’d found out randomly, then I’d agree but the only reason I found out at all is because he contacted me and lied about being single so I looked up her profile to check. Does contacting an ex, falsely trying to claim you’re single abd asking to meet up count as cheating? I guess it’s a grey area but minimally indicates intent which may render the old cheating news current. But yes, it did happen a long time ago so she might prefer not to know.

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Oh this is what he is doing now , contacting you pretending to be single , what a fucking asshole .
I don’t know what I’d do being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️.
A historic affair is something I wouldn’t say anything about , this is different though .
Is she his wife & have they got children?

LBFseBrom · 08/03/2026 02:51

90sTrifle · 06/03/2026 01:55

It was many years ago. Just leave it.

Yes, that.

ForCalmScroller · 08/03/2026 02:49

Bunny boiler alert!

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 02:02

Fearnotsunshine · 08/03/2026 01:55

Why are you still bothered about a dirtbag that you had a relationship with years ago? I'd just let them get on with it. It's better for her to end the relationship for her own reasons when she realises she's had enough than to pile a load of old baggage on her. It sounds like you have a score to settle and I could understand it if you had recently broken up from him but he's not worth the upset to you and ultimately your DD. Are you in a relationship now?

‘Still’ bothered? He contacted me out of the blue a couple of days ago. I hadn’t even thought about him in years. He doesn’t factor into this at all, my only motivation is giving her the truth about her relationship (if I were to tell her, I haven’t decided yet). Not sure what my DD or my current relationship status has to do with any of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 01:56

OneBreezyHelper · 08/03/2026 01:53

i didn't say YOU were living together, you are claiming that he was already in a relationship but somehow you were blissfully unaware.

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Reread my posts. That is not what I said at all.

OP posts:
Fearnotsunshine · 08/03/2026 01:55

Why are you still bothered about a dirtbag that you had a relationship with years ago? I'd just let them get on with it. It's better for her to end the relationship for her own reasons when she realises she's had enough than to pile a load of old baggage on her. It sounds like you have a score to settle and I could understand it if you had recently broken up from him but he's not worth the upset to you and ultimately your DD. Are you in a relationship now?

OneBreezyHelper · 08/03/2026 01:53

KeepOff · 08/03/2026 01:48

You’re reading my posts where I say I’m trying to do the right thing and telling me I must be bitter. That is projection because you can only imagine being motivated by bitterness so assume I must be too.

We didn’t live together. If she knew she was the OW, she not going to be bothered if I tell her that is she?

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i didn't say YOU were living together, you are claiming that he was already in a relationship but somehow you were blissfully unaware.

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 01:48

OneBreezyHelper · 08/03/2026 01:41

Who's projecting?

I am just reading your posts.

I do find it hard to believe you can be in a relationship with someone and completely unaware you are the other woman. It's pretty obvious if someone is single or living with someone else 😂

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You’re reading my posts where I say I’m trying to do the right thing and telling me I must be bitter. That is projection because you can only imagine being motivated by bitterness so assume I must be too.

We didn’t live together. If she knew she was the OW, she not going to be bothered if I tell her that is she?

OP posts:
OneBreezyHelper · 08/03/2026 01:41

KeepOff · 08/03/2026 00:57

So much projection here that’s it’s barely worth responding. Just because you can’t imagine being motivated by anything other than bitterness is a you problem. I think you’ll find that it was he who ‘ruined their life’, it happened whether she knows or not. But I accept that ignorance is bliss which is why this feels like a dilemma.

Edited
Show quote history

Who's projecting?

I am just reading your posts.

I do find it hard to believe you can be in a relationship with someone and completely unaware you are the other woman. It's pretty obvious if someone is single or living with someone else 😂

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 01:30

disappointed124 · 08/03/2026 00:49

You don’t want to do the right thing - you just want to ruin someone’s life. Bitter and twisted - move on.

Another poster projecting. If anyone has ruined her life, it’s him by cheating. In what world am I bitter? 😂 I haven’t even thought about this man in years, he’s been blocked for 7 years and I haven’t contacted since we broke up. I’ve had two LTRs in the interim. I only found out about the overlap because he called me and told me he’s single and asked to meet up so he made it my business now.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 01:25

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/03/2026 22:03

If it was happening currently then most likely yes. I was cheated on and I wish someone had told me. If it was old news then no, what good would it do.

This is why it doesn’t feel so clear cut. If I’d found out randomly, then I’d agree but the only reason I found out at all is because he contacted me and lied about being single so I looked up her profile to check. Does contacting an ex, falsely trying to claim you’re single abd asking to meet up count as cheating? I guess it’s a grey area but minimally indicates intent which may render the old cheating news current. But yes, it did happen a long time ago so she might prefer not to know.

OP posts:
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