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Original poster

Would you/should you tell someone their spouse had an affair?

137 replies

KeepOff · 06/03/2026 01:38

If you had absolute proof?
If it was many years ago?
What if you didn’t know them?
What if you know because the affair was with you but you didn’t know then and have only just found out?

Or is it best to leave it well alone?

OP posts:
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Missj25 · 09/03/2026 23:47

bumptybum · 09/03/2026 20:40

Sexually transmitted diseases and the risk of another child elsewhere don’t sound like bliss to me

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Same

PermanentTemporary · 09/03/2026 21:06

@bumptybum not personally, no. Dp is a very faithful type and when I’m in a relationship, I am too, but infidelity is pretty common and happens for a variety of reasons. Dp would probably tell me himself tbh, but if he didn’t, I wouldn’t thank anyone else for inserting themselves into our relationship.

bumptybum · 09/03/2026 20:40

Comedycook · 09/03/2026 20:38

I'm not here to solve everyone else's problems in life. Life is complicated and no one knows what's really going on in someone else's relationship. If someone found out my DH was having an affair, I'd genuinely rather not know. Ignorance is bliss.

Edited
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Sexually transmitted diseases and the risk of another child elsewhere don’t sound like bliss to me

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 09/03/2026 20:40

Comedycook · 09/03/2026 20:38

I'm not here to solve everyone else's problems in life. Life is complicated and no one knows what's really going on in someone else's relationship. If someone found out my DH was having an affair, I'd genuinely rather not know. Ignorance is bliss.

Edited
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Ignorance is STI’s.

Some of them are incurable.

bumptybum · 09/03/2026 20:39

PermanentTemporary · 06/03/2026 06:01

I would never choose to tell anyone. I don’t believe I would want to know myself, so I don’t take it on myself to tell others.

You wouldn’t want know????

Comedycook · 09/03/2026 20:38

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 09/03/2026 02:27

How would you feel if everyone around you minded their own business while you were having unprotected sex with someone who was having unprotected sex with someone who……and so on. Then you test positive…..for what?

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I'm not here to solve everyone else's problems in life. Life is complicated and no one knows what's really going on in someone else's relationship. If someone found out my DH was having an affair, I'd genuinely rather not know. Ignorance is bliss.

SheSaidHummingbird · 09/03/2026 05:44

@KeepOff Yes, I'd want to know

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 09/03/2026 02:27

Comedycook · 08/03/2026 22:37

I'm a big fan of minding my own business.

How would you feel if everyone around you minded their own business while you were having unprotected sex with someone who was having unprotected sex with someone who……and so on. Then you test positive…..for what?

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 22:56

Comedycook · 08/03/2026 22:37

I'm a big fan of minding my own business.

Do you think sometimes it's imperative to ignore the ‘mind your own business’ mantra? An extreme example might be information about a crime or a safeguarding concern.

If we agree then that it is sometimes important not to mind your own business, then the question becomes, when is it right to mind your own business vs ignoring. That is the subject of this thread and the differing comments show that it is not a simple answer.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/03/2026 22:37

I'm a big fan of minding my own business.

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 22:35

ShakeNCake · 08/03/2026 22:16

OP I'd just tell him 'please don't contact me again or I will tell your wife'. If he comes back with 'we're split' then feel free to tell the wife as you did warn him.

That is what I plan to do if he ever calls again.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 22:34

MCF86 · 08/03/2026 22:10

I understand the dillema, OP.

I think I'd just send a message asking if they have separated because that's what he told you but his profile doesn't look that way.

But if I have read this right, you only just figured out when they got together by looking at her old posts? I wouldn't be admitting I trawled through 7 years of social media (side note- why did you block him 7 years ago if it was amicable at the time?)! But if she asks about who you are I would say "I was in a relationship with him years ago, but we broke up in the summer of 2019 (or whatever), so his message was unexpected" she could then work the dates out for herself

We were still in contact for some time after we split because he had stuff at mine and asked to take our cat. She actually came with him to collect the cat but she didn’t get out of the car. I blocked him out of respect for my new boyfriend because he was still texting me occasionally with things like links to songs and the odd ‘I miss you’ that I didn’t respond to.

Once I realised that he was lying about them being separated, it suddenly occurred to me that he will have lied during my relationship with him, because there’s no way he’s that a good a liar without a lot of practice. I had suspicions during our relationship about other women (he once convinced me to block a woman who apparently wanted to tell me they’d slept together and I actually did it - can’t believe that now!) but it never occurred to me that he’d been dishonest about when his relationship with his wife started. I can only see her profile pictures so I scrolled back to when she first posted one of them together and looked at the date (at least 6 weeks before we broke up) and the comments. She then changes her pic a few days later to a bunch of flowers with an ‘I love you note’ which makes me think it must have been going on longer still.

OP posts:
ShakeNCake · 08/03/2026 22:16

OP I'd just tell him 'please don't contact me again or I will tell your wife'. If he comes back with 'we're split' then feel free to tell the wife as you did warn him.

ShakeNCake · 08/03/2026 22:14

Justaspy · 07/03/2026 18:48

Do it anonymously

How could you do this fully anonymously? I was thinking print screenshot and send in post, but he'll know it was OP when he's confronted with it. However she does it, when the wife confronts him he'll know it was OP.

MCF86 · 08/03/2026 22:10

I understand the dillema, OP.

I think I'd just send a message asking if they have separated because that's what he told you but his profile doesn't look that way.

But if I have read this right, you only just figured out when they got together by looking at her old posts? I wouldn't be admitting I trawled through 7 years of social media (side note- why did you block him 7 years ago if it was amicable at the time?)! But if she asks about who you are I would say "I was in a relationship with him years ago, but we broke up in the summer of 2019 (or whatever), so his message was unexpected" she could then work the dates out for herself

Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 21:47

TwoTuesday · 08/03/2026 15:18

Just ignore and move on. Don't let his drama into your life. Maybe the social media is out of date/ deliberately misleading, and they are actually separated? If his wife is abusive maybe she already found out what a shit he is and that triggered the abuse. Liars usually use a grain of truth.

Thanks. I will move on either way. I’m not as invested as this thread would make it seem. Just aware that there’s only a small window where I could reasonably tell her because it’s just happened and keen to do the right thing.

The reason I know they’re still together is that she has changed her profile picture a few times since January, to different ones of them together; the last time just a week ago. He also changed his to one of them together in early Jan. Both profiles state ‘married’. I just can’t see any of that being the case if he’d left her like he claims. He’s a good liar, I’ll give him that.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 21:38

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 08/03/2026 15:09

He calls on withheld numbers. She has regular calls from withheld numbers due to her daughter’s medical needs. OP has also stated this.

You can click ‘read all posts by OP’ and it makes it much less to read.

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Thank you for taking on the task of pointing this out Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepOff · 08/03/2026 21:36

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 08/03/2026 15:02

Generally, I would tell, because I would want to be told in that situation, and the person has the right to know about their sexual health being at risk, life choices etc, the cancer analogy is very good.

However, in this case I wouldn’t, because you don’t know her. But the next time he contacted me I would engage enough to get something in writing eg ‘we’re divorced’, ‘I left her’, ‘I’d love to spend the night with you’ then I’d tell him if he ever contacted you again you would send her all the screenshots.

I have tried this a few times but he has never messaged me, he has only ever contacted me on a withheld number. He did once email ‘happy birthday’ but it’s hardly incriminating. I have recently got to grips with screen record so I will use that if he calls again. I didn’t think to do that this time because I was so surprised to hear from him.

OP posts:
Katie0909 · 08/03/2026 21:07

I would tell her as has contacted you after all this time and lied about the state of his marriage. I think most people would want to know and it may help her make a decision about her marriage. If she doesn't want to know, you have nothing to lose as you don't know her. The fact that you didn't tell her after you found out about him cheating on you suggests you are not bitter and vindictive and are trying to do the right thing.

TwoTuesday · 08/03/2026 15:18

Just ignore and move on. Don't let his drama into your life. Maybe the social media is out of date/ deliberately misleading, and they are actually separated? If his wife is abusive maybe she already found out what a shit he is and that triggered the abuse. Liars usually use a grain of truth.

Inmyuggs · 08/03/2026 15:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KusamaYay · 08/03/2026 15:11

Nope.
Protect your peace

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 08/03/2026 15:09

BrownandBlueCarpet · 08/03/2026 15:05

She obviously left at least one avenue of communication open to him, so she hasn't really blocked him. I wonder why...

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He calls on withheld numbers. She has regular calls from withheld numbers due to her daughter’s medical needs. OP has also stated this.

You can click ‘read all posts by OP’ and it makes it much less to read.

BrownandBlueCarpet · 08/03/2026 15:05

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 08/03/2026 15:03

He is blocked. OP has stated this repeatedly.

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She obviously left at least one avenue of communication open to him, so she hasn't really blocked him. I wonder why...

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 08/03/2026 15:03

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 08/03/2026 14:50

Block him and get a life/ get on with your life

He is blocked. OP has stated this repeatedly.