Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

I know the feeling, you believe that if you could only find the right words he would understand how unfairly he is treating you and he would do things differently.
It took me decades to wake up and realise that they know exactly what they are doing and it's all deliberate. And when I realised that he was deliberately working everything to his advantage I thought 'two can play at that game mate and I'm much better than you are'.
Don't bother with an ultimatum. He may realise that you might actually try and stop him living the life of Riley at your expense. He will then double down and work harder to make sure that you can't leave the relationship without it costing you a lot financially and otherwise.
Turn the tables on him, work everything to your advantage and present him with a fait accompli.

YANBU to give an ultimatum but you need to seriously mean it, OP. Be absolutely clear that you will accept no less than what you want and need to be a proper family. Do not compromise. Tell him, he has one chance now to step up and start behaving like a husband and father. If he doesn't take that chance, then it's over.

But you have to mean it. Because if you say it and don't follow through, your life will soon be hell.

I'm assuming your partner's daughter doesn't live with you full-time? The time she is there though he's out, expects you to parent/look after her and spends no time with her. I'm guessing he's been like this since you got together, rather than since your joint child came along? Your partner isn't interested in parenting his children, spending time with them or you. His sole interest in life is himself, and being able to do what he wants/when.

He's 27, and as you say, is unlikely to become a professional rugby player. He's too old. I'm sure it's something he would love to happen, but I'm afraid he's not being very realistic. I'd love to win the lottery, but the odds of me doing so, are pretty slim!!

Unfortunately, your partner has signed out of family life. He's far too selfish to be a Dad. He's too selfish to be in a serious relationship. You are a convenience to him, someone to parent the kids, cook, clean, work and give him sex whenever he fancies = nanny with a fanny. He doesn't want the responsibility of his children.

Yes, you could give him an ultimatum but I personally don't think it will make much difference. Oh I'm sure he'd say a few words, that he knows you want to hear, there might even be a little lukewarm improvement but eventually he'll slip back.

You would be better off splitting. You would then only be responsible for your shared daughter and he'd have to parent both children when he saw them. Your partner would only parent, until he'd managed to persuade another woman to take your place, though.

Shall we all have a wild guess at why his relationship with his DD1’s mother broke down?

It's not just that he's 'checked out' or it's 'not family life' - this man is a nasty prick who's happy to exploit your good nature (and female conditioning) to use you as a nanny who also provides cleaning, cooking and sex.

Men like this aren't stupid and it's not accidental.

Yes, this as well, but I think the OP would be better off just with her child.

Totally unrelated, but I would never "date" (anyone anymore) an entertainer, musician or someone who is "in a band".
Ick.

Ultimatum?
Don't worry about that.
Take your child and leave the shit.

Oh and as for washing his clothes and cooking his meals, stop!

If he wants to eat alone he cooks for himself.

And as for laundry, give him a separate laundry basket and warn him that you won't be doing it.

YANBU.

He doesn't actually have a choice.

He can stick to a reasonable schedule (maybe 2 nights a week max) and continue with this relationship, or you will leave and he will have to stop it altogether or find alternative childcare for his daughter.

Not reading 7 pages of the same thing but I can assure you're no one is turning pro at 27 in rugby.

Also how much are beers over the month? Willing to say far more than the £80 he gets coaching

Thought the same. Sounds like he's never there for his kids, never spend time with them or do any of actual parenting. What a shit dad.

cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

But why, why would you still do this?!?? It sounds easy, and it is: just don't! I'm sorry, he doesn't get to check out from family life, turn you into a full time parent to his own child (your DSD) without your agreement AND be watered, fed, and have clean clothes. You are his unpaid maid, not his partner. Sorry.

I think it's clear he's using you for free child care. Probably getting cooked dinners and sex as well. And giving not much back.
What do you get from this arrangement?

What have I just read… he is an awful dad, so many things to unpick, why does DSD visit if he doesn’t spend anytime with her, why did he have more kids when he’s not interest in the one he has… from a professional sport point of view 27 is pretty old to be about to make it… and how much an hour does £80 a month stretch if he’s out every night!

YOU are his skivvy aupair to his first child.
Oh for goodness sake OP.
Why did you inflict him on a second child?

Your poor child.

Op he’s not doing this for his family he’s doing it for himself he’s a selfish twat and taking advantage of you. Yes tell him he has to drop some hobbies or he drops his wife and kid and he can parent his own kid. Men do the hobbies to get out of parenting I don’t know why men think this is acceptable especially with a young family he should be home more for his first kid if anything. Op if u stay get yourself out more with out the kids tell him your not his mother and he’s taking the piss and it’s going stop either way. Tell him you might as well be a single mother but with just one dc as he is nothing but dead weight in the relationship.

All week?! Blaaady hell. My husband was still playing when our children were young but that was 2 nights of training a week and games on Saturday (or more rarely on a Friday. As the children got older, they started playing mini and juniors on Sundays. He got injured but is part of the support team and attends Saturday matches. We now have one child in youth so games on Saturdays, one still in minis and juniors so games on Sundays, one who stopped playing. Husband coaches and one son trains on Mondays and Thursdays. Other son just on Thursdays. Sons go straight to the gym after school Mon-Fri. It does take up a lot of time but I spend my weekends watching and helping out, I've made a lot of friends at the club and it's a big part of our shared family life. We still all eat an evening meal together every night, the teens all have their own separate hobbies on top of rugby (scouts, music, cricket), and while they're at training I get to do mine (sewing, running, choir, reading, walking).

The Sunday beers on top of everything else you've mentioned sounds like it's taking the absolute piss. Why don't they just have the beers after the Saturday game like most club teams do?! That's what happens at our club and it's an all ages thing, we're all there, it's completely intergenerational. If it's a big session I'll leave them to it and take the youngest home with me.

Have the girls got other hobbies or interests? Will they be keen to start rugby if they haven't already?

What do his teammates do who have young children? Does he want you all to be at the club with him or does he see it as a very separate thing? Do you have any opportunity for your own hobbies and sports? It sounds unlikely which is incredibly unfair.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you married a teenager and enabled him to continue acting like one while you looked after his first child and then had one of your own. Have you contact with DSD's mother - is this why their relationship ended if it ever started?

He is living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks he can turn pro at 27. Whatever about playing for England, he'd already be a club pro and they are scouting boys in the lower sixth form all over the country.

If he's not having an affair he has certainly checked out of married life and the clock is ticking on your marriage. You need to get your ducks in a row. Do you have a job?

In the meantime, stop making his life so bloody easy. What's the saying - never grow a wishbone where your backbone should be? The six nations ends weekend after next. Look up his club, look at the training sessions and matches. He is a married [?] man with two children, he needs to be AT HOME when he is doing neither of those two things.

And as for fishing. He can take DSD with him for starters. I don't believe for a second he is fishing.

Presumably this was a thing before child #1. And still
a thing before child #2. Which indicates you have enabled this behaviour many many times. Unless you’ve addressed this before I can’t imagine any sort of ultimatum is going to work because he already operates like a single man anyway!

And you’ve (probably) got very little protection given you describe him as DP, not DH.

Your poor children.
God help you.
So he has all the comforts of home and the little family whilst living as a completely single man.

You are his mother.
Pack his bags and get him out.
I sincerely hope you can afford to do that.

Two children with a complete loser who is determined to avoid family life.

you shouldn't need to give an ultimatum - he should want to spend time with you

You're a "nanny with a fanny", OP. Was he like this when you were first seeing him?

I'm with those saying 'Tell, don't ask' - tell him what you want him to do and give an ultimatum.

However, I think he's not going to change and you need to walk away, unfortunately.

Does he do anything with his own children at all? Does he do anything in the home? Is anything at all shared? Do you get a break? I suspect I know the answer to all of this and all I can say he is an absolute dickhead. He doesn't need an ultimatum, he needs kicked out.

Ltb

This is standard practice for a lot of men & their wives coined the phrase Rugby Widow or Golf Widow or whatever obsessive hobby widow.
it’s no life at all for you OP. He I don’t think will change. No wonder you feel like his mum. You’d be less lonely & ultimately resentful on your own. And in time able to meet someone who can spend time with you & have his own interests.