Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

I now have concerns that OP hasn't come back to us.

Like many others my DH played rugby to a high standard (in his youth he played county & was offered the opportunity (in his late teens) to play semi-professionally which, as was Rugby Union (RU) in the late 1970's would, in effect have been full-time (eg: professional), but as RU at the time was was officially an amateur sport he would also be employed as a coach for the club. He decided not to do that as he realised that he would only be an injury away from disaster & unemployment.

However, like PP have said the rugby club was a kind of family. They encouraged families to join in. I used to cook the meals for the teams. For those not in the know, generally rugby clubs host a meal for the teams after games & I was happy to get involved in that. They come out in their blazers & club ties, buy their opposite number a beer or two & then enjoy a meal together. It's all very sociable. The kids & families are very much involved - the kids would play at half time, & after the game. We'd have special family days with bouncy castles, when the men would cook a meal for the women who'd cooked for them & their 'away' guests all season & take responsibility for the children so the ladies could have a drink.

I rather fondly remember being dragged out of the kitchen to have a load of rather pissed men singing 'We love you ladies' at me.

Although my DH was very involved in keeping his fitness up, he used to get up early for his daily run, bringing me a cuppa before he left the house at about 05:30. Was home in time to help with breakfast, getting DC's lunches etc. He had practice once a week, used to help to train the 'Colts' once a week & played on one weekend a week.

Now my DGD aged 11 is playing for that club, being trained by her uncle (DS2) & we love going to watch her.

He might (MIGHT) be training every night. The senior squads at the club where I met DH do 10 sessions a week, timed to fit around a full time job... but that's a different sport, and even then no one carries on doing that once they have kids, they join the veterans' squad, do less training, and see their families.
Your DP is not going to get discovered and signed to play professionally at 27. He needs to admit this to himself and become a decent father, regardless of what happens in the relationship between you. I'm just so sorry you're going through this, it's shoddy.

Time to leave. He is not interested in a relationship. Certainly not with you or his children. Tell him you are leaving and mean it. Or tell him to leave. What a freaking mess. Let his ex know what's happening with her child.

My husband would love it to be fair, but knows it would be the end of the marriage!

@everypageisempty , the DSD isn't 6 yet, and he's been with OP long enough to have a DD with her.
Given that info, it sounds like he had a DD of no older than 4 and was about 25 himself when OP and he got together.

I think it's obvious why he came into the relationship with OP with a 6 year old daughter ... former partner/wife wasn't having it! And rightfully so!

Where's the OP?

Oo that’s a good one! I would rather date a musician than a gym goer but it’s still gun to my head.

Anyone that plays guitar is a walking ick for me.

He is being willfully ignorant. Pretending he doesn't really understand the impact on you because right now, he's got everything he wants. Freedom, fuck all responsibility and a built in cook/cleaner/childminder.

Men like this only respond to having their lifestyle genuinely challenged - talking about it won't do anything.

You need to tell him that you've signed up for something - dancing is good because you can claim training/travel for competitions/potential career (just as he is). It's 3 nights a week, Saturday afternoons and travel one weekend a month to national competitions. What you 'you' (as a unit) going to do about childcare?

And no, your mum can't have them
And no, you don't think it's unreasonable when he has two hobbies that take him out of the house Every. Single. Day
And no, you won't be able to do his dinner on Dance nights.

He doesn't recognise the bigger problem? You have your answer. Leave.

Where the fuck do these men get the audacity 🫠 it actually blows my mind, my husband just would never!! It wouldn’t even occur to him to be out of the house that much.

@Toadlygetu I'm assuming you work as your kids are school age, so my advice would be start quietly putting some money aside for when you need it.

Just ask him: how would you feel if i landed you with the responsibilities you take for granted from me? If I had several hobbies that took up all my free time and expected upu to care for the children with never a moment to yourself.
Wait for him to answer. Explain that he is being staggeringly selfish and you need to reorganise so that you get as much time yo upursekf as he has.
You have to take it, by the way. Don't expect him to offer it. Just decide and announce then leave the house.

Come on op... why do you have so little respect for yourself?

He is living as a single man and you are enabling it.

He saw you coming and is taking you for a mug. Leave him!!!

Well, its deja vu every day here on MN, isn't it? Men who clearly do not want to be in a relationship that requires them to give up anything whatsoever. Its a joke. FGS, a relationship has to be a commitment, and having a partner (and a family) shoud mean that partner and family is the number one priority, above all else. What's the bloody point otherwise?

Standard practice for many men on here it seems. He's managed to get a girlfriend in place to look after his daughter, & convinced you he wanted a family with you, so you'd stay & do all the parenting while he carries on as though he's a single man. I wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum, he has no intention of changing & will make up whatever nonsense he can, to justify why he gets to carry on as he is. Personally I'd start planning to leave.

You're not even married to this man, OP, so I don't understand why you are acting like his wife.

He is palming off his responsibilities onto you without even giving you the security of marrying you.

I'd be leaving immediately.

*you believe that if you could only find the right words he would understand how unfairly he is treating you and he would do things differently.
It took me decades to wake up and realise that they know exactly what they are doing and it's all deliberate. *

This. You think you can make him see how unreasonable he's being.

He knows. He knew you would take care of his eldest and yours. He isn't interested in parenting, that's your job.

He's not going to change. He'll make promises and it will last a week or two. Then back to the shit show. No ultimatum will make him see he's a selfish man child. You'd just be wasting your time and breath because this is him.

It's hard to realize you let a shitty man pull the wool over your eyes. But it's time to get clear of him.

He won't give up his cushy life without a fight, your best bet is to ambush him.

If you give him an ultimatum you'll be shooting yourself in the foot, you'll be giving him a heads up which will enable him to get HIS ducks in a row and attempt to Sabotage any plan that you make.

A man who produces two families in 5 years doesn't scream selfless, thoughtful and family-orientated to me, so I'm not surprised he's like he is.

If you know you can follow through on your ultimatum, do it. If not, he'll just take you for a bigger mug.

My ex behaved similarly. After we had our first DD he made promises to change, and I made the mistake of believing him. He would seldom manage to keep his promises for more than a day or two, then it was back to him being a dead weight. Then came second DD, and nothing changed - my then partner was out pretty much all the time, leaving me worn to a frazzle looking after a baby, a toddler and a manchild. I left him before DD2's first birthday, and it was the best thing I did. I'd put off the moment of leaving because I dreaded being an SP, and at that point I had no qualifications so no way of earning more than a rubbish salary (this was before minimum wage). However, leaving my selfish partner was the biggest confidence boost ever. Once DD2 was at school I went back to college then university, and eventually managed to earn us a much more comfortable lifestyle than we'd ever have had with their dad, and it was a relief not having his constant drain on my physical and emotional energy. I can't say I regret not leaving my ex earlier, because then I wouldn't have had DD2 and I can't imagine life without her. But I'd say give your partner an ultimatum, be really clear about what you will and won't put up with, and if he can't step up to the plate and behave like an adult, end it. No pleading, no second chances.

Aw, poor baby, he's wants to become his "best self"....

LTB.

You might as well leave, it doesn't sound like there's much point being in a relationship with him.

When does your DP spend time/care for his 2 DDs?
When does your DP spend time with you?
He seems to have the idea that you care for the DDs and he has no responsibility for them at all.

He's taking the piss. He should be playing rugby once,maybe twice a week, keeping weekends free for the children. He's not a teen-ager without responsibilities anymore. And stop cooking his dinners