Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

She did 4 A levels according to the OP

Chiming in here because when I went to university, I had the same problem. My grades dropped, I was kicked out, however, I fought to go back. Noted, I did pay my way through university. It was because I was sexually assaulted.

What on Earth were you thinking sending her to Uni? She hadn't really succeeded at A-Level, so how on earth was it ever going to get better from there-on at Uni where self-study is paramount and at a much harder level? You made a catastrophe-in-waiting by letting ger go to Uni. Now that's all fallen asunder, do your best to get her a decent job so she can stabilise, pay rent, feed herself, and get on her own career ladder.

I just want to echo that struggling, and failing, at uni much more common than people realise.

My friend failed his final year twice and lied to his parents about it. I don’t know if they know but they didn’t during our 20s and he felt intense shame about it all.

I struggled through college and uni despite being “gifted” when I was younger. I couldn’t concentrate during long lectures, left coursework until the last minute so underperformed, and always had to do summer resits. Came out of uni with a 2:2 and my self-esteem in tatters.

It turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD and I’m not suited to traditional classroom learning. Once I left uni and went work, I was grand - I learn well being hands on. Ive done well in my career, get great feedback and enjoy my work. I was just a square peg trying to jam myself into a round hole.

Hopefully it’s the same for your daughter and she just needs to find the right place for her.

I had this happen with my middle kid. They really struggled to get the work done with so little structure and accountability. It took them some time to tell us what had happened, although not quite this long.
It turns out that they had undiagnosed ADHD, and research we did at the time suggested that neurodivergence often makes itself obvious in changes from GCSE to A-level, and from A-level to university.
Also, hiding things that have happened like that can be due to the rejection sensitivity that often comes with neurodivergence, whereby you're terrified to disappoint people.
It sounds like you're a sensitive and understanding mum, so I hope your DS can talk to you about it all and accept some support. Best wishes to you both

Uni can be a worrying experience for some at 18 if they've never been away from home. I would always encourage a gap year if possible, whether to work and/or travel. That year will also help them to decide if they really do want to go to uni or try something else. I am not sure why the rush to go from A Levels straight to uni. I just think that everything is so rushed. Starting uni a year or two later is no bad thing for some young adults and the gap years if they work and/or travel will do wonders for their CVs. Look how many that have degrees that cant find a decent job - many employers value a CV with something to show maturity.

We have had similar - though as far as we know SD 23 is still at uni having her third attempt at year 3 ( and there was a foundation year too). But it’s perfectly possible that’s not the case - we never know if she’s telling the truth… shes always been like that since early childhood unfortunately.

I cant say we have handled it well or got it right … mainly because there was a long history of poor behaviour which we started to tackle before we knew she was having problems at Uni- so unfortunately we got in the way and it had repercussions ….but based on our experience as parents here’s my advice

maybe she just isn’t suited to it - I certainly wouldn’t have handled Uni in my teens/20’s

The Uni probably won't be allowed to talk to you as She’s an adult.

Also, from personal experience just before I was due to start uni, there may be trauma that’s caused disruption - maybe . It’s not unheard of - but tread gently and don’t assume that’s the case, or over worry.

for now just love her with a safe home and a lot of gentle care.

I think you need to look to yourself here. Your DD did not get the grades required for uni. Did she beg and beg to go anyway and do a foundation course? Or did you force her and pressure her into it?

Did you know she failed the year at that point? Yet she went back, clearly not able to cope with the work. Again, is it what she begged for or were you pressuring her? She failed again - no wonder she did not dare tell you.

The telling thing for me in your OP is your comment 'is it worth me having a chat with the university? seriously, you need to get a grip. your DD did not have the grades to go, failed the year twice, was scared to tell you cos god knows how she feared you would react, and you STILL think you should contact the uni. utter madness.

Focus on looking after your traumatised DD. Help her see university is not the be all and end all. and do not let her know you are ashamed of her as she's not at uni anymore.

Yes it is. It's income related. If someone has less than 25k a year in household income they can get a part time degree funded as long as they meet the criteria. NI is similar but the threshold is lower and Wales has something similar again for people on low incomes but it's a mixture of grants and loans

There's also no maintenance loans for part time students in Scotland so you either self fund or get your fees paid

Similar experience with our daughter. Problem was a boyfriend which my wife soon sorted out. Definitely be sympathetic and help her find a job. She will soon find her feet again. It's not easy at that age - relationships, living away from home, finances - it all ads up.

Sounds like maybe it’s too much for her. My daughter went to Uni at 20 as she felt at 18 it would be too much for her. She did a Degree then a Masters. Maybe look at other options a job with on the job learning or an apprenticeship. Or University later if that’s what she wants she needs support & care & maybe an honest talk about how she is doing. Good luck.

Apologies. I didn’t see your later post that you studied part-time.
As far as I understand it, the part-time fee grant is dependant on your income? But it’s not an area I work with, so thanks for highlighting it.

I personally think the biggest issue is that she went back to uni and pretended all was ok for five months. I think you need to have a gentle conversation about that before anything else

This happened to me when I was at uni (the first time). I had a massive breakdown after starting uni and fell apart. I had a lot of trauma unravelling and being away from home was the catalyst but it was for the best. I moved back home and took a few years out to get psychiatric help and figure out what I wanted to do. I was deeply unhappy but I was at least safe and family supporting me. My parents were very patient and understanding about it all. I ended up applying to a different uni and committed to it, got a degree and later on, a masters. Uni at 18 can be too much - nothing wrong with being a mature student!

She didn’t get the grades to get in, so guessing it’s not her first choice university. I would say uni is not for her! She failed to meet deadlines on multiple occasions which is why she was asked to leave. I’d suggest looking at apprenticeships.

I didn't go to university until I was 22, none of our children went straight from school. They all worked and travelled and went from 3 to 7 years after finishing school. None have lived at home since they were 18 or 19. Our eldest is just finishing her first degree and will be 30 but she has worked and lived in Berlin and Chile, another worked in Italy another spent two years travelling in Europe and working. They all ended up at university but doing subjects they wanted and were interested in and focused on the course and not the challenges of being independent or doing a course that they chose because there was nothing better to do. Or a 5th choice course because of their grades. They all say it was the best thing they did not going straight from school.
Getting healthy and happy and building her self confidence back up is the main thing now. Choices of career and future directions and options open to her can wait. There's always options and choices for bright young adults and a stuttering start doesn't define anybody as long as they receive the support they need.
These are the times when being part of a strong supportive family come into their own.

The university wont talk to you unless she gives explicit permission. Even then, as far as they’re concerned she’s gone. Personally, this feels deeper than the university to me and it requires proper support for whatever is going on for her.

I knew two people who did this at uni. They both dropped out after a year and it took them over a year to tell their parents. A mixture of reasons felt embarrassed, worried how their parents would react.

They have both ended up happy in life, married with children and have jobs. So definitely not end of the world

just be there for her and listen.

That's not true. If you do a degree part time and qualify for the part time fee grant you can do as many as you like as long as you fit the criteria

I'm so sorry, that must be really hard. I did the exact same thing at her age and didn't tell my parents for ages. I had been pushed into medicine initially and really didn't want to do it. I rarely went to class and was told not to come back after my first year. My parents were gutted. Then, as I had always been a singer I was pushed into music and got a full scholarship to one of the best music schools in the world, studying with an incredible soprano. I lasted 2 months, hated every second. Didn't tell my parents, moved in with my boyfriend (now husband of 24 years) and was basically a total shit from a parental perspective. Looking back I think there were several factors at play, the main being I wasn't ready to commit to something for the rest of my life and the second was undiagnosed ADHD. Maybe there's an underlying mental health condition that needs support rather than a specific event?

I think all you can do is be there for her, listen to her and be supportive. She will find her way with love and support.

This is vile!

Very similar story to my DS. Scraped through 1st year, failed 2nd year and avoided contact with us. We took him home. 10 years later he is a very happy sports instructor. Academic life was not for him. So lots of love and support, and help your DD find something she enjoys.

Even if she is in Scotland, the government only contributes to a first degree - except in some cases, where there’s PG education required for certain professions (teaching, healthcare, etc)
Even if you do another BA (or MA as a first degree where offered), it’s usually not funded. Obviously I don’t know the particular circumstances of the PP, but I want to disabuse folks of assumptions university is all free here.

What on earth are you talking about?

I think this was me in a different way. I wanted to go to uni (and it was expected) but when I got there I hated the course and the place… failed one year and resat and finally failed one exam in my finals (I had anaemia but didn’t tell anyone). I’d already organised a good job that didn’t need the degree.
Nobody asked me in all that time whether I was OK or happy, and I didn’t have the confidence to speak up.
My kids now have a couple of degrees each and it hasn’t been plain sailing; they all had some kind of problem along the way, but I have asked (bored them rigid?) on many occasions asking if they’re happy, as I now know that it is possible to change course etc.
I wish I’d known that earlier.
This maybe isn’t relevant at all OP, but maybe she just wasn’t happy with what she was doing and once things had gone wrong she didn’t feel able to say?