Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

I’m amazed that you aren’t furious at the level of deceit she has used.

I had a similar experience with my son years ago. His ambition was to become a Doctor, and to his delight, he was accepted into the medical course. He went off full of hopes and dreams.
However, things went downhill from there. He just couldn't cope with being on his own, and uni life in general. We had no idea until he came home and said he'd left the course. We were devastated

Perhaps something happened that she doesn't want to talk about right now. The fact she carried on as though nothing had changed.
If there was no pressure coming from home to be in uni. Maybe the pressure came from within.
She may talk about it when she feels able.
It could be something sensitive. That she finds difficult to express.

Sorry, don't have time to read all the posts but I'm raising an AuDHD boy (and awaiting my own diagnosis) and recently found out about RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). So much about my son and me in my younger years made sense to me. Have a look into ADHD issues like procrastination and inertia, perseveration, for ASD, and I think you might connect the dots. Good luck.

There was a mumsnet poster last year that got as far as hotel before graduation and the ds told them in morning when they were all dressed up there was no ceremony as had dropped out. I suspect it’s a lot more common than people think.

Im personally proud of the work that I did in homeless units. And my post grad got me that first job in the unit. I originally wanted to be an accountant. I'm glad I didn't take that pathway but I'm still happy I did my degree

I get your point. There are other pathways -but we don't all need to use the degree we did, my first degree was in business studies-that doesn't mean it is a waste.

It sounds like she's embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe it's best to wait and see if she opens up. In the meantime is it possible to find a part time job to give her confidence and earn a bit of money?

It doesn’t sound harsh at all.

What she should have done is re-taken her A levels to get the grades that she needed. People forget that it’s a massive jump between sixth form/college and university. We acquire skills from revisiting “our failures”.

If she hasn’t suffered a traumatic experience then it means that she hasn’t acquired the skills for independent learning. This is something that parents needed to ensure that their children have before send them out into the world. You need to understand how to assess your work so that you can improve. I’m not talking about a full on critical analysis-that’s a teacher job. I’m talking about being able to say “I can better in this small area”.

It’s true that university isn’t for everyone. But please try to ensure that if she’s not going back that she doesn’t feel resentful about it. I have a sibling who failed her foundation year because she lacked the skills and 20 plus years later is still giving the rest of us hell about it.

Not been through this personally, but a friend of mine fooled his parents when we were at uni - saying all was fine when he’d failed. He’s now 40, a Director of company, married with two kids and living a great life. He doesn’t think his parents know what happened at uni even now…!

As a teacher, this is one of the reasons you should never over react to a child being clever or getting things correct. And this isn’t a dig to you, because as a parent you want to correct but children need to learn how to find things hard, how to fail and what to do if they do, teachers and schools also need to allow children to ‘fail’ sports days and other ways to allow children to do well but also not be the best. I may be wrong but it sounds like your daughter has always been academically strong and not struggled in particular and therefore doesn’t know what to say or do and feels an overwhelming feeling of failure and fear of causing disappointment to herself but also her family. Not that you have or haven’t put pressure on her because it’s natural either way.
College’s also need to not put so much pressure on children to go to university, it isn’t for everyone and lots of careers can be achieved a different way. It can be really difficult, because you feel rail-roaded to go to university, even if this is what she wanted to do I think other options should be shown.
I ‘failed’ my first year at college due to not being good enough in my exams but taking academic subjects I thought I was better at than I was. I luckily was given options from a teacher who knew what I wanted to do but from college it was game over. Again this is wrong, they should support with what happens next if they don’t let you continue. There has to be a duty of care. Just like football clubs now do more to those that don’t make it professionally they can’t just wipe there hands clean.
I hope your daughter talks to you soon and realises that there are so many options and that you sound like you will support her in any way that you can but you need to know and understand to be able to help!
Wishing your family the best and I hope you manage to make a plan xx

I never comment on these threads but feel like I have to here.
I’m a 27 year old male and this is exactly what happened to my then-girlfriend at the time.

She was forced to leave by the Uni due to poor first year performance but was too scared to tell anyone and just sat in the uni house morning, noon, and night doing nothing other than crying.
She eventually reached out to me saying that she was considering having to steal food as she had no money but made me promise not to tell her parents.
She told me the only thing keeping her going was playing games online and painting her nails every day.
I ended up sending her money for food and told her she’d be much better off telling her parents as I’m sure they’d understand.
It eventually got worse and one of the girls she lived with ended up reporting it to the mental health service and she got taken in and the hospital informed her parents.

She ended up coming home, told everyone everything and I had many thank yous from her parents for helping her when she was in need.
We broke up a few years later, but she now has a decent job and a new boyfriend, and they both live together and are very happy.

I didn’t go to Uni despite thinking at 18 that I should be, and instead trained to be an Electrician in a local college.
I got through it, started working for a company in 2020 on £40,000, then after a while I took a career break and became a Driving Instructor.
I did that for about 3 years and was on about £1,000 a week with a company car included.
I taught many Uni students to drive and every one of them questioned why they were still there.
The workload along with never having any money just destroys them.
I used to pay particular attention to these ones by giving them extra encouragement and asking questions about their week.
I also told them that my number is not only for booking lessons and I’m always available should they need a listening ear.

I then left and went into self-employment as an Electrician, where I’m now earning at least £80,000 a year. Just me and my van working in my city Monday to Friday 9am-4:30pm.

University isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
My three closest friends from school all did degrees. They graduated 7 years ago, and since then, two work for a homeless charity, and the other works in Asda.
Meaning they’ve never even used their degrees.

I’m earning £80,000 a year with just 3 GCSEs, no A-Levels, no degree, and no debt.

The only reason I’ve gone into so much detail about myself here is just to prove to everyone on here and the girl in this case that there are many other well-paid pathways into work other than degrees.

Give her plenty of food and reassure both yourself and her that there is a bright life ahead.

Our daughter dropped out of university in the first term, hated it!! Came home and got a junior clerk job. Immediately happy and enjoyed being in this office job, flourished. Changed job several times, enjoyed them all and plenty of promotions. Now in a very well paid job managing many staff in a prestigious law firm. A degree is not necessary or desirable for many people and jobs.

Sounds like she struggled with the lack of structure and oversight. I wouldn't write off uni altogether, but maybe living away from home and studying at the same time aren't a good mix for her.

Could she enrol at a university closer to home, or go back to college to resit her A Levels?

So much good advice already on this thread.
As you mentioned you think she might be autistic, I wanted to make a book recommendation. It’s called Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. It’s a bit old now (published in 2010) and uses some old terminology like ‘Aspergers’ but I still think there’s lots of interesting information in it. I’d recommend you read it first, and then if you want to, to pass it to your daughter. I’ve attached a photo of the book contents list, and the first page of Chapter 10: Higher Learning, which you may find particularly useful. Your daughter may find Chapter 5: On Blame and Internalizing Guilt, useful too.

My mum didn’t care.
You WILL go to school and you WILL do well.
She didn’t give a shit that I hated school or that I was sinking or that I’d lost 30 pounds in my first semester of university.

That was a ME problem and I by God better work everything out because GRADES ARE WHAT MATTER.

So in my 2nd year I just didn’t tell my parents that I dropped out to take a position at a local tv station.

If I could encourage parents to do one thing, it would be to listen to your children - both verbally AND physically.

Foundational courses are one of the most common routes into full degree courses. 1000s of students a year do not get near the grades and enrol on foundational courses. I know several people who ended up with Firsts after starting at foundational level.
So yes harsh byt more importantly completely ridiculous and uninformed.

My friend is a graduation manager and it happens every year. She gets parents shouting about their incompetence ‘missing’ yp off ceremony and all they can say is you need to speak to yp. Worse she had last year was one who had dropped out yr1 and pretended for 3 years. She’s also had parents fly in long haul for international students and they hadn’t attended course.
My DD’s flatmate didn’t enroll yr2. It came to a head when they got a massive council tax bill. I was worried re her wellbeing and emailed her mum who had no idea. The none student is liable for full council tax less 25% single discount if she’s only none student in house.

I've heard a few similar stories recently where students have found uni just isn't for them and how are you going to know until you try? Your dd has tried and is now probably relieved that it's all out in the open. I wonder if she put pressure on herself?

Whatever, it doesn't matter now. Luckily she has you who obviously realised somewhere in your gut that something was amiss. Better than spending another few years somewhere she didn't want to be. Sometimes even if people get through the degree, they're not always happy but put pressure on themselves to continue and then come out only not to do the job their degree was aiming towards as they realised that career wasn't something they enjoyed.

Your dd is fortunate to have a supportive and loving family. Once she gets back on track, she'll be all the stronger for it, I'm sure.

There is always student welfare or whatever who would nbe able to advise her. Or a local HE establishment that is short of students. Failing that there is the Open University. Dunno about funding though.

Without knowing you or her i would say she is clearly not academic and has been trying to live up to her perception of your high expectations.

Some students in this position have even committed suicide. So the first job is to make sure she knows that whatever happens in the future success or failure all you want for her in life is too be happy whatever that means. The second job is to get some career guidance to find out what she enjoys doing.

My eldest son went to uni (4 hour drive from home) in sept 20.

He was the only person in the shared uni accommodation, all classes were online.

We didn’t know at the time but he developed a raging drug addiction.

He called my husband in March 22 sobbing and asking to be collected as he’d got into massive debt with dealers and he was a mess. He’d hardly done any classes.

I had no clue, I spoke to him a lot and he came home for Christmas and he was fine as fair as I could tell.

I hope that she can talk to you about whatever has happened. I don’t think the kids realise that uni isn’t all partying and they need to do work and it’s not easy without someone watching over them.

most kids go from living at home and everything being provided for and suddenly they have to make adult decisions, and they don’t always make the best ones.

Hi, OP

I was your daughter, once upon a time. Turns out I do have autism and so do my children. Eating disorders are a part of the package. You didn't know about uni, so how can you know about the lack of an eating disorder?

Question everything. Get her a counselling referral via the GP and get her on the ASD pathway for an assessment, because they can take a very long time.

I now have a degree via the Open University, and I'm about to start my Masters. The OU might be a fantastic choice for your daughter - Studying from home with lots of support, healthier lifestyle, she can even apply for part-time or FT work. I worked while studying and still do. It can be done. It will keep her active and keep her constructive in life.

There are many ways, but first of all - GP. Mental health and physical health, is paramount. Don't push the questioning on what happened. She will tell you in time. You sound like a fantastic parent. I wish mine had been as supportive as you. Instead, I recieved abusive parents.

My brother went to uni with four Scottish Highers. From recollection three Bs and a C - he finished his degree. People don't have to do exceptionally well at A level to get a degree -the Royal family haven't always

Just offering another perspective. I was very bright at school and always excelled. I found the step up to uni extremely challenging. Not to the extent of your DD, but not far off. It's actually a family pattern - both of my sisters found the same to different extents and one dropped out of uni.

Neither of us has SEN. We just had very nurturing home environment and a bit of a spoon-feeding school; these things only support for so long. I was still academic but I was struggling with workload. I was really embarrassed to admit it too. Who wants to tell their parents that they are no longer their genius daughter?

Not to say you shouldn't allow her to consider ASD. But just to say that it's not the only reason this could happen to someone who was a bright child.

We're all doing OK the other side of university :)