Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

Not the same situation as your DD OP, but my DD withdrew from university just into her second term. And she's had a gap year. It wasn't the right time and maybe the right thing for her. However, what I wanted to say was I felt so the emotions you are feeling. I felt guilty we'd not recognised this path wasn't right for her. I felt extreme worry about what her future could look like without a degree and went into overdrive trying to think of a plan b, trying to fix things.

Once I got DD home I felt burnt out by it all. In some ways that helped because I took some time off work and created a calm environment for DD and treated her and myself with gentle care. No agenda. We watched TV and did some yoga, crafts, colouring whatever... I also told her we liked having her home. I think she needed to hear that as she felt like a disappointment and a burden to us.

What I would like to say is, 6 weeks or so on, my need to sort things out for her or worry about her future has lessened. I'm just letting her be and that is good for her but also good for me. She does have a pt job and we've arranged some counseling and we'll see where she is in a year.

The adults and other young people DD has encountered have all been hugely sympathetic and also know someone or gave had their own experience of a false start or the wrong path or wrong timing. It is so common.

Wishing you and your DD well.

My cousin did this. She’s now 40 with a good careee.

Many years ago I left university after 2 terms as I was homesick. My tutor (a lovely man) tried to persuade me to transfer to a different course close to home - partly to save me losing some of my future eligibility to a student loan (as I would if i should choose to leave and then start a course later). I wasn't in the right place for it then though. Instead i lived at home and worked as a trainee accountant in the NHS alongside a 4-year day release accountancy course. After 3 years of that I decided i was ready to give university another go and started a completely different degree which i could do while continuing to live at home. My NHS colleagues couldn't believe it (as i was just 1 year away from qualifying as a Management Accountant). Throughout all this though, my poor parents who had no further or higher education just supported me, no questions asked, no criticism, but they must have been pretty worried. Thankfully that time i finished the degree with first class hons before going on to do a PhD elsewhere and then working as an academic for 27 years. I think i just wasn't old enough the first time round. I'm sure with your continued love and support your daughter will also find her own path whatever that might be. And I can tell you she'll be forever grateful to you for supporting her tgrough this. Best of luck to her and to you.

Just reread my post and autocorrect has ha a field day. Just to clear up my son broke down and said “ I don’t want to be here” which rang alarm bells. I took immediate action and contacted student welfare who were brilliant

I have experience of this situation from a loved one, I had no idea. It turns they have ADHD (possibly autism too), they needed far more support than the average student to keep on top of assignments and deadlines. They would put things off, and then they became scared of reading emails so they stopped reading them, it all just spiralled.

You need to speak to the disability team, explain your concerns, there is a good chance they will be able to accommodate her. My family member was told to seek out a diagnosis, then appeal (if they wanted to continue).

She will need more scaffolding, but that can be provided at university. Most of all she needs to know that it is not her fault, she is smart and capable, but she needed more support than she was offered.

University may not be for her, but if it is, she can get there with support, if she wants to.

I spoke to the uni because it was too much for them face initially. We decided that shorter professional qualifications were better for them and they are doing well, they were much older than you DD at the time.

Same, but not from an Asian family. I was always the capable one both academically and emotionally, until I was on my own and I didnt have the same pressure to keep up the pretence anymore. I didnt know what was happening, but when I went to uni I didnt know who I was anymore and I started questioning everything, and as the walls of pressure came down, so did the emotional stiff upper lip and I crumbled.

Don't talk about the future, and for now dont talk about jobs or studying, let her decompress for a while. Then hopefully she will come out the other side off her own steam, if not then gentle guidance to take steps. But let her flip flop between jobs if thats what she needs to do to find out what she wants to do next. Maybe she has to completely rebuild her identity if she was dead set on a particular course and career, so she needs to find what is right for her, not just anything. Oh, and dont spread it around the family any more than you have already, no matter how close and supportive they are.

You sound like a lovely mum, let her take the lead from now on, and let her know youre not disappointed and you love her now and even if she chooses to be a bin collector/brain surgeon. Her future career does not change who she is

I apologise if I repeat anything others have said
My ds went to uni, failed his 1st year, went back to retake the first year and was not doing any work by the March of that year. He then crashed out spectacularly and I had to get involved as he shut down and his mental health was on the floor. It was a lot of phone calls and chasing different departments for answers and making sure he filled in forms and ticked the correct boxes on computerised forms. The admissions team and I were on first name terms by the end of a week!! Uni will not talk to you without your DD explicit written consent. Practically, you also need to find out if her student finance has been cancelled, if she's still under any contract for accomodation and whether she still owes tution fees for this academic year, as these don't automatically cancel just because a student has withdrawn. You need to do this quickly as I think it's something like the beginning of April where you can preserve not paying for the rest of the years tuition fees. It's vital that your DD tells you whether this has all been done and you have written proof. This does mean she needs to talk to you sooner rather than later as you really don't want to find out about unpaid bills. As to what she wants to do next, once you've established those practicalities, you can also find out if the uni would accept her deferring or if they've completely closed the door. That gives her time and space to decide what happens next
My ds didn't return to uni , relationship problems also blew up in his face and he moved into full time employment instead and continues to do very well.

Currently going through similar with DS who is the same age. He hasn’t been chucked out yet and I became aware of problems Nov last year. He is second year as had a ga year to have surgery on his shoulder and to earn some money.

His situation is the result of a unique set of events that you really couldn’t make up but accumulatively have had a massive impact on his mental health. The straw that broke the camels back was picking up scabies while in Prague last summer that has defied months of treatment. The scabies itself has gradually cleared up with regular use of insecticidal cream but the itching has been tortured. I do nt think he slept more than a couple of hours a night for 4 months. The itching is worse at night so he was catching up during the day.

Anyway he eventually broke down on the phone and said “ I didn’t sleep any to be here” he did not mean uni or his flat.

I mediated contacted the wellbeing service at uni and they phoned him within an hour. Unfortunately mental h although problems aren’t fixed overnight and it has taken hm until now to get back on track. He didn’t want to go through therapy or take meds so chose to try exercise and started playing rugby regularly. The shoulder repair was the result of rugby but he plays for an understanding team whose physio monitors him and advises him when his shoulder has had enough.

He's an intelligent and normally well motivated individual but had seriously lost his sparkle, was irritable and argumentative ( not his usual laid back self). After a couple of months of regular exercise, healthy eating and cutting back on alcohol he is making progress. He admitted using alcohol to shut out the noise. He had become agoraphobic and would only go out with other flatmates. I was worried that he may have been assaulted but denies it.

Initially when I became aware of his non attendance I was annoyed and tried to encourage him to buck his ideas up, but having gone through the recent scents with him I realised that he was displaying all the symptoms I was going through but as a young adult and not a battle scarred ancient adult who has developed the coping mechanisms that helped me get through it.

He is due to have another meeting with his tutor who has the full story and has made some suggestions re going forward. Initially he didn’t want to retake the year, when he was at his lowest but as he has come out of it he now sees it as the best way forward. He’s sorted out accommodation for next year and one of his housemates is only first year s has two years left.

His flatmates and network of friends have been great and very supportive they’ve known him for years so we’re aware that something was going wrong.

He’s home this weekend and is so much better. From my own experience you can’t rush recovery. Hopefully he’ll keep on improving and be his normal bouncy motivated self by his he end of summer.

Although I would have liked him to have some therapy I think the fact he has worked it out for himself is a positive for the future. It’s just so sad he has had to face so much at such an early age.

Finally I think that his school year group ( the same as your DDs) had a unique late teens experience with the pandemic and how it affected their exams and their social experience. We are just starting to see the longterm problems it is causing. As I said DS’s situation is somewhat unique and most adults would have struggled to cope.

OP your DD may need support. Unfortunately the NHS is swamped. I would start by just letting her come home and sleep. What’s done is done so there is no point looking for answers, when she is ready she will hopefully open up and you can get to the bottom of it all. Get her the support she needs, if you can afford it go privately. She may be reluctant but talking will help. The internet is full of young people competing for sympathy so you f you can try and keep her off the usual social media platforms.

Since Christmas DS and his housemates have been watching Game of Thrones, I had started watching it so we have a What’s App discussion on a regular basis. Gently opening up lines of communication seems to help. You can drop in questions about how they are feeling amongst the general discussion. I now have real adult conversations with DS rather than mother -son which seems t o encourage him to open up. I think that sometimes you have to give them permission to adult and reassure them that it’s ok to be independent. But if things go wrong you will still be there.

This is almost word for word what happened with my stepson. Had to repeat first year, then dropped out of second year but stayed in his accommodation. First we knew about it was a letter from student finance (which he asked us to open, possibly knew it would tell us the truth without him having to) saying he had to repay the term's loan because he had withdrawn.. he now has to pay monthly until it's repaid, because he'd spent it by staying in the student house! He ended up on anti depressants and has been on a minimum wage crappy hours job ever since (a good few years now).

You know eventually this will turn out to have been a good thing. Whether it’s diagnosis, a realisation that some skills need support, a belief that there is nothing shameful about struggling (hard to not be the star student and harder still to see that it is entirely worthless on a personal level) - some goodwill
come and this. You have had some arsehole responses - go gently on yourself and I wish you both well.

I’m not saying no one should go.
Just that no one should feel it’s the only route as I know that definitely happens.
And I know a lot of parents apply the pressure and that’s probably how the girl in this situation felt.

When i went to uni many years ago, I remember the Dean giving us an introductory talk and saying that sadly some of us would find it wasn't for us and would drop out and he urged us to contact student services if we were thinking of it. It's definitely not as uncommon as people might think. My nephew failed his second year last year - didn't tell anyone til it was too late. He was staying at home and doing a remote learning part time degree so his parents didn't realise. He is now doing an apprenticeship and is much happier.

i Haven’t read all the comments but I want to say I can relate to your daughter. The difference for me was my situation happened in the last 18 months of high school so my mum found out about it by the school contacting her about my lack of attendance and I did have to disclose to her that I failed some of my exams the year before. Until this point I was top of my year, always getting awards and excelling academically.

Looking back on it I think I was just burnt out and I didn’t know how to communicate about it. I felt ashamed that I had slipped academically because I knew I was capable of more and just became more detached from my studies. My mum told me she had been notified and I just broke down. I decided to leave education for a while and got a full time job. That was the best thing I could do for myself.

I then worked full time for a few years, started a part time college class in the evenings when I was 21, went straight into second year of uni when I was 23, graduated at 26 and took a year to just work and decide what I wanted to do learning from my past experience. Then I did a graduate programme, by the time I was 30 I was a qualified accountant and now at 39 I have built a successful stable career.

We all need to go at our own pace but I think when you’ve been a gifted kid it’s very hard to expect anything different of yourself in your teens/20s and so while people might not be applying pressure it’s still in you. When you’ve always succeeded you also don’t have the tools to ask for help.

if I were you I would let your daughter know you will support her in whatever she wants to do. Acknowledge she will get where she wants to be eventually and it’s not always linear and encourage her to create some other kind of structure for right now, be it working or something else.

You don't get charged fees if you aren't enrolled on a course. Rent obviously

I’m sure this is way more common than you’d think. It’ll feel like a big deal, but it isn’t.

Rest and recuperate for a month, then explore options, of which there are loads.

Timeline wise- what’s happened with this years rent and fees? Because if she started the year even for a week I’m guessing she’ll have been charged fees..?
Plus rent for the term/year.

Or did she drop out in the summer and not register this year. I would find this out.

I was personally never pressured into going to uni by my family. My mum and uncle were the first people in my family to go to uni back in the 60s because they got a grant. Both my mum and uncle were very clever and my mum said that her parents worried about how they would get there. My grandpa worked full time. He was an electrical engineer but they couldn't have afforded to pay for their study

Of course it's not the only route.

I graduated last year at the age of 56 and that's the degree I'm most proud of. But I know friends of mine who left school at 18 and went to work and went to uni in their 30s and older

I have friends in their 50s who graduated at the same time as me with their first degree

Lot's of people do degrees later in life and that's great

Working in homeless units is a great job.
But my point is solely that young people feel very pressured that uni is the only route when it definitely isn’t.

A girl I taught to drive did an English degree but couldn’t find a job so became an accountant and she actually enjoyed it.

My friends do say that their degree was a waste as they’re repaying their loan every month for something they’re probably never going to use and none of their degrees were required to work in homelessness or Asda but obviously that’s all down to personal interpretation.

If I bought a car and paid road tax and insurance for several years but never drove it anywhere, I would consider that to be a waste.

Just throwing this in here, this happened to my sister. Frankly she was young, immature and ill-prepared (and chose the wrong course). 20 years later she got her degree first class honours.

This is probably not reflective of your DD or her abilities. She’s clearly struggling, needs support and some mental rest. She (and you) needs to put university aside and after some recuperation concentrate on a new path entirely.

So many things can go wrong when you start a degree course. I only lasted a few months. My main problem was that although the degree was Environmental Studies which you would assume would be about the environment and ecology and stuff it was advanced mathematics and sociology.

I can only assume that eventually they would have taught some biology and geography (they were my best subjects at A level) but nobody explains anything to you. At school I failed maths O level first time round and managed to pass second time, promptly forgetting everything.

If you've been sitting in lectures on calculus and not understanding anything for weeks you start to wonder what you're doing there. If I had known the course involved learning calculus I would never have started it. They should have known someone with poor maths skills wouldn't be able to understand anything.

OP you asked about groups for autistic girls

On facebook there is a national group _ I think its called Autistic Girls Network

I am in several SEn/autism / girls autism facebook groups mostly related to my part of the country and some national.

there will be something in your town if its big enough.

I want to add - I know others have said it but I remember a couple of friends really finding Uni so hard because it was just nothing like school.

It was also hard for those young people who perhaps were 'star' of school - you mention she was 'top of the class' - that's (in my personal opinion) an odd thing to say about primary school - I am not sure how you would know that and I wonder if it's been something that has been a lot of pressure for you and for her to always think of her in that way?

I don't believe that children of 8/9/10 can be measured against ecah other easily - or children of any age but certaintly not so young.

It sounds like you are giving her lots of love and care - I want to say that as the parent to an autistic girl - life (as you will know anyway) doesn't go in a straight line. Children/young people/adults - can learn at any time

I am not sure why there seems to be a worry on your behalf about immediately getting her back into university. Could she just step back a bit and work out what went awry for her - and be very careful at considering her next step on lifes path ...

That would be the absolute worst approach the OP could possibly take.

She probably feels very ashamed and stuck, seeing no future and trying hard to deny the present.

I'd hold back on your questions. Her worst nightmare has come true - i.e. you knowing she has failed.

For now, focus on getting her back to health.

Depending on how she seems to be (willing to talk about it or not) suggest a therapist, if she thinks it would be a good idea to talk to a neutral party about what's been going on for the last few years. A checkup by her GP would be a good idea, to assess whether she's depressed.

Above all, bite your tongue and avoid the topic of deceit, and dont indulge in questions along the lines of 'But why couldnt you tell me?' She probably feels terribly ashamed, and has probably been extremely stressed for a long time.

A little holiday might do her good - could you and she get away to somewhere warm and nice?

She went back to her flat at university after she had failed that course. For nearly six months. Obviously something has gone very wrong somehow