Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

It can be, I remember I made similar errors when I started on MN, but you get used to it.

Oh wow 😮🤣🤣🤣👌🤦👏

University isn’t the be all and end all. I’m assuming she was funding it all and not you because taking your money to pay rent or fees and not actually being at university would obviously not be acceptable.

it’s good you now know the situation. I wouldn’t overly pander now though, running around after her. She needs support, but she also needs to start feeling like she can do things herself. Driving is a good idea as a pp mentioned. Getting a job to pay for the driving - just a temporary one while she works out what she wants to do in life. Or maybe getting a job to save for a little holiday might do her some good. Small successes that she can feel proud of herself for and that motivate her going forward.

I just want to let you know that I failed my first year of my first Uni course. I went from a highly supported school environment to being Freeeeeeeee and loved it but didn’t focus on my course enough. I eventually went back to a similar degree, got a 2:1 and 25 years later I have a brilliant career where I am an Industry expert in my field and get paid accordingly. Your daughter needs time, love and support which you are clearly providing and once she feels better she can consider her next step - this isn’t the end of the road, just a big pothole!

Though misguided, she showed a real strength of mind to carry on as she did. She wanted to try and fix this somehow herself. I believe there's a genuine independence and resilience in that. Acknowledge that bravery and spirit with her. You sound like a lovely parent and of course want to protect her from pain. But be careful not to take over and disable that impulse she had to make it on her own. There's nothing inherently wrong with that drive.

Sorry, I misunderstood that you were the OP, replying to someone saying that vocational training can be better than university. This thread is really confusing 🤣

Re the rent Op may have been paying. The current English loan system where yp often get min loan and parents need to top up £6000 a year often leads to parents paying rent and yp living on min loan. I thought about this after what my DD’s housemate did this year.
Her dad was hundreds of miles away paying her rent. Totally oblivious. She had no loan as not enrolled so managed with money from last yr1 loan payment (they get biggest chunk in summer) and only started defaulting on rent once she needed rent money to live.
We pay DD’s rent and transfer to her to pay uni accommodation aor landlord as they deal with the yp as they are adults. It’s a perfect set up for a yp to pretend.

Dear God, who pissed on your chips? 🙄😂

You've misread jess, it wasn't my DD. My own DD, as it happens, got pregnant in the Christmas of the last year. She missed loads of uni in that spring because of morning sickness and ante natal appointments etc and they gave her an estimated grade of 2-2, which she was very disappointed with.

I was really pissed off with the university tbh. A man (of course) told her that they couldn't take her pregnancy into account because pregnancy isn't an illness. No it isn't but morning sickness fucking well is. Twat.

Anyway, I am still glad she went to university (all my children did). You would have to ask her if she thought it was worth it.

No point staying in the university city looking for a job as they will be up against 100’s of other students also looking for work.

Please don't take this the wrong way, because I don't think you realise you might be doing it, but is there a chance you're projecting university = success in life onto your DD? I already commented about my ASD and ADHD making life hard but what I didn't mention is that I was that over-achieving kid at school, genius level IQ, who didn't go on to get the straight A A-levels everyone thought I would. Now, I had a huge amount to deal with at the time (abusive parents, left home at 16 and was having to live off £36 a week doing my a levels, boyfriend was an abusive creep etc), so that's fine. I'm just saying that, as a result, I just went into work after A levels and it was the making of me. I'd originally wanted to be a teacher but I fell into engineering. It was bloody hard though and, due to crappy bosses and having to support myself, it took me years to fit in part-time study (HNC, HND then final year degree, with many years in between). However, I had an 18 year career, which was rewarding, successful and lucrative and came out with a first class honours degree. I also have the benefit of working my way up from admin, to sales and marketing, projects, quality (senior management for the last decade of my career). When I left to have my son and he had additional needs, I completed a further education PGCE and am now a qualified FE teacher of engineering, so I get the same holidays. Yep, I came full circle back to teaching and I'm really glad the foundation of my engineering education was vocational because engineers who have gone in straight from education are actually a nightmare. Maybe let her work for a bit, find her feet. Find something that she can be passionate about, without the pressure of worrying it's not good enough.

I feel there could be something underlying here with your DD, OP. I think she's struggling with something. But I could be totally wrong.

When I noticed my DD went skinny - yes, it was an eating disorder. Please do look out for your DD (I know you are). I am not saying it is definitely that, but it's just something to be very mindful of (especially given the things you're discussing in your post).

You're doing all the right things. You care. You are showing her that she is safe and loved. Please continue to do so (I know you are!).

She needs hand holding right now. Maybe uni just wasn't right for her. Or maybe she's struggling with something unrelated.

She can go back to uni any time. Now is the time to listen (if she is willing to speak).

People put so much emphasis on academia these days, but there are so many other ways to carve your mark in the world. It really could be that uni just isn't right for her. It could be anything.

Just continue to listen to her and support her, and take in what she feels and wants

I was replying to a post saying that you can make more money from doing an apprenticeship. For me, education is about a lot more than money.

It's up to the DD to decide how important education is to her. If she just wanted a career maybe she would just be better off doing something vocational. My degree subjects (music and English literature) are central to my existence.

*I would rather have the knowledge i have and the personal growth I experienced whilst attaining it than all the money in the world.

What about DD? She is not the i in your statements and that really matters

Thanks for this (your name makes sense now!), but, for me, life is about much more than money. I would rather have the knowledge i have and the personal growth I experienced whilst attaining it than all the money in the world.

"What can I do to help her?"
Unless you know the cause, no.

"Is it worth having a chat with the university?" maybe, but your dd is probably the best one to sit with and be honest.

"From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?" is not default university issue, it's funding.

She showing classic symptoms of depression and social isolation in your description. Maybe she had a bf or intimate encounter that went wrong and that distracted her badly enough that she won't talk about it. Seen that happen so many times over the years. I'm not some youngster anymore and look forward to retirement more than building a career.

Try www.edx.org and let her decide what to do if she even wants to do anything, but never forget she is an adult and the effort must come from her first.

I went through this with my DS. Regardless of how well you think you know your DD, she has a whole inner world you don’t know. I wish I had hired a private detective for a couple of days to check into my DD for a couple of days before confronting her. It may be that she simply didn’t cope with being one of the smart kids to being a big fish in a small pond. She may have been unprepared for the realities of university life. It could be that she has gotten in with a bad crowd/has a dodgy boyfriend. Either way, it’s better you know what they’re really up to, even if it’s nothing. I supported my DD for months and found out she had been skiving off from classes and working in a pub. Good for her that she was working, but that is not what we had agreed upon. My DD is also rather socially vulnerable due to her mild ASD and I found out that her “friends” were financially abusing her. She took a couple of years off study and worked. She is now almost finished her degree and has been supporting herself through this.

Look, she's too afraid to admit she failed. The bottom line is that her university career is over. She can't get full tuition from SLC to complete it SO TODAY that's her finished.
The warning sign was that she didn't have good enough grades which implies she's not an academic and was pressured into applying for uni.

I failed 2nd year. Twice. That's me done for life with uni. £10k a year fees? Dream on! Uni costs £25k annually, so unless you got that as spare change to waste in continued failure go ahead.

You never mentioned what course she enrolled in either, so can't help you with alternative advice either.

Maybe I can suggest sending he abroad for a couple years to Australia on a working holiday. She'll grow up, and being away from home, will bring out the adult in her... with a lump of accountability too.

Hi
Main thing is your daughter is safe and she can now have time to plan her next move.

My son took a year out and then declined his place at Cardiff Uni. and instead is now studying/working on a Modern Apprentice degree in Project Management with BAE at Barrow-submarines.

He is basically being paid to get a Honours degree with a secure job!

WRT to your daughter there are multiple levels of apprenticeships she could access Level 2 to 7 (degree level).

Your daughter would be eligible for at least a level 3 if not higher.

If you Google 'UK apprenticeships' there are lists of companies that offer a variety of levels-TV production/fashion/accountancy/engineering/computing etc.-the list is long!

Aldi offer a range of store manager apprenticeships linked to Kingston Uni-pay is 20K + a year-not bad for a 'student'.

But as of 5th April 2026 the UK Gov. is planning to allocate the apprenticeship funding more to the lower level apprenticeships so your daughter might want to start planning her next move.

Anyway, being 20 and not sure of what you want to do is not the end of the world-I was the same but took my father's advice, got my Economics degree and then had a wide range of jobs-ended up in Penang, Malaysia-I would never have seen that scenario happening at 20 years old!

Good luck.

l forgot to say- her University wont tell you anything without her consent. You are allowed to fail a module a certain number of times then after that you have to leave the course. Unfortunately Universities are often well aware that students aren't on the right course but they hang onto them as long as possible for the tuition fees rather than suggesting they leave. I would encourage your daughter to spend some time away from University to figure out what she really wants to do.

I did the same thing as your daughter. I didn't cope with being far from home and living on my own. I was so ashamed that I hadn't succeded at Uni and depressed that I wasn't making friends for life, doing all the fun things I was meant to be doing as well as not studying so I hid away and covered it up for as long as I could. I got into a lot of debt which caused further stress and depression. I didn't know I had ADHD at that point and was quite immature for my age. I came home totally defeated and severly depressed. My parents were a mixture of angry and worried but were very supportive of my return. I worked in retail for a year to clear some of the debt and sort out my mental health then started University locally doing a totally different degree which was funded and I did really well. I lived with my parents for the first year of the new course then stayed local. Being near home was so much better for me as I could become more independent in stages. Hopefully your daughter can take some time out to figure things out and get herself back on track. I remember at that age how truly awful I felt and I wish someone had told me that everything would all work out. Some of us are just late bloomers, particularly if neurodiverse.

I agree. The girl probably didn’t say anything because of the fear of anger repercussions.
She needs to just be listened to and understood.

Am sure you have been giving her lots of love and food since you brought her home but next week you need to start on some of the practicalities. Talking about these might also get her opening up a little bit about what happened:

Did she leave uni in June 2025 so wasn’t enrolled this year and owes no tuition for the current academic year?
Did she enter a full year rental contract for her accommodation so still owes rent till June 2026? Is she behind on the rent?
Is she overdrawn with the bank?
Does she owe money for electricity, gas and water? Does she owe this to the providers or her flatmates?
Does she owe money for council tax? Did she fill council tax forms in saying she was a student (a lie obviously)?

Presumably you are going to have to help her settle any of these debts particularly if there is a risk of county court judgements being taken out against her. And if she owes her flatmates then settling those debts will help repair the friendships which are presumably quite important to her. I would be treating any debts you settle for her as a loan to her which will hopefully get her thinking about the future and how to pay you back.

Has she been doing any work while away over the last few months? I don’t know what benefits she might be able to claim - perhaps job seekers allowance if her plan is to look for work? Perhaps you could look into that together. Again that is an opener to talking about the immediate future. The long term future can wait as she probably needs a bit of time to get over the stress of the last few months.

Not to eorry you further, but i think you need to get to the bottom of how she has been finding thousands of pounds for rent. That might be a whole new can of worms!