Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

I sincerely hope you have no children or vulnerable adults that you have control over.

This all sounds very difficult.

I do think counselling or therapy is a good idea. It may simply be adjusted to university hasn't been good but there may have been some trauma or difficult incident she didn't want to tell you about but which she might discuss with a therapist.

I'm afraid I have no advice, but I think you that you're handling this perfectly.

I'm getting on in years now, mid-60's, but I still remember the devastation and shame I felt at letting my father down as a teen, and as a young adult. Like your daughter, I was extremely bright. I was always top of the class, loved learning and had my heart set on Oxbridge. Then I entered 6th form and everything went to hell in a hand cart. I didn't finish 6th form, didn't even get through the first year. Since then I've tried (and failed to finish) more degree, and other higher education courses (both bricks and mortar, and distance learning), than I care to admit. Not because I can't do the work, (I always get excellent marks), but because I cannot seem to cope with unstructured learning. I've only ever completed one higher education course, and that was only a year long course to start with, but my then husband also enrolled and I think having that anchor helped enormously. I've felt shame and disappointment in myself all my life because I couldn't do this one 'simple' thing. Then, in my early 60's I was diagnosed as autistic (and was told I probably also have inattentive ADHD, as well), and everything suddenly made perfect sense. I still feel disappointment, but it's not inwardly directed anymore. I'm just sad that I was born in an age where autism wasn't as well known as it is now, and at a time when 'autism in girls' was virtually unheard of! Had I known then, what I know now, I may well have been able to find the right support to enable me to cope with unstructured learning.

Reading your post made me so sad because your daughter sounds a lot like me (except she managed to get a bit further, so kudos to her for that!); She did really well in school (structured learning), she didn't do as well in 6th form (semi-structured learning), and couldn't cope at all with uni (unstructured learning). If, as you suspect, your daughter is also autistic, even acknowledging that, without a formal diagnosis (NHS adult autism and ADHD assessments are swamped at the moment, and many trusts have suspended their wait lists entirely, so for many it's an 'expensive, private route' option only, right now), but even without a formal diagnosis, the knowledge alone would be a massive help. Even in areas where you think she's doing ok or excelling, she may be struggling more than you think (we females are experts in masking), As an adult, help is scarce, even non-existent, in most areas, but FE and HE establishments have wonderful SEN support, and a formal diagnosis is not usually needed to access that support. Even if she decides not to go back into education, the knowledge could massively help her in any career she decides to pursue. I second the book recommendation made by a previous poster ('Aspergirls' , by Rudy Simone), and would add 'Odd Girl Out' by Laura James.

You're doing a brilliant job, and despite some posters telling you otherwise, you're being the exact sort of mother she needs; supportive and non-confrontational. Whatever she decides to do going forward, whichever route she goes down, having someone supportive at her back will be an enormous help. Despite my own craving for one, degrees aren't the be all and end all, and they don't guarantee a good career. As an example, my son hated school and decided he didn't want to go onto further education and so left school at 16, with quite poor exam results. I worried for him, even though he was never out of work, initially he seemed to have no focus or drive. Fast forward to now, and he's a very successful, management level, programmer/analyst, at a top international company, earning a 6 figure salary (and he's probably also autistic...), then there's my friends daughter who flew through uni and emerged the other side with a 1.1, and has since drifted from one dead end job to another, and currently working at Burger King at nearly 40,

Whatever your daughter decides she wants to do, I'm sure, with your loving support, she'll do fine. Good luck to you and your daughter!

My middle daughter also struggling at uni and has struggled since she was 15. She is very academically smart and is on a competitive course at a big university.
Emotionally she is about 14. Has struggled anorexia and adhd.

recently came home - thin, very behind in course and we have tried to help her get up to speed.

she is a frozen state - anxious about course, distracting herself with computer games, feeling unable to go out an enjoy.

you are not alone and I completely understand x

hopefully you can get a plan to move forward

x

she probably didn’t tell you due to shame - very human and understandable

You are right, its hard to pick. UK is far ahead of where I am so not only did I struggle but students still must struggle nowadays as ND in adults is not diagnosed in adult here. Hard enough to get help for children who are visibly struggling.
Wishing your daughter to find the right path for her! She is lucky to have a mum like you.

I’m so sorry you and DD are going through this. My experience is different but I recognise the pain and blame in your postings.
I had a situation with DD1 when she was trying to sort out her year abroad, quite essential as she was doing JH with modern languages.
it was the first year of no arasmus.
she sorted out a uni place abroad but couldn’t face all the paper work and visa applications etc.
her mental health was always good, as far as I could see.
but this tipped her over the edge.
it turned out it was one snowflake that just turned into an avalanche and she finally admitted during the summer holidays, weeks before I though she was due to leave, that she broke down and told me she’d lost her placement.
I was so bereft that I’d let her down.
not seeing the signs.
Once it all came pouring out the relief was palpable in her.
within a week she was onto her home uni taking control and got special dispensation to skip her year abroad, found very last minute accommodation and sorted out her SF.
I’m not saying this to say your DD can salvage her current education, but to say that those months when she was ready to face it all she handled it so well.
she realised she was actually far stronger than she ever though and learnt so many lessons about resilience and ‘failure’.
I honestly couldn’t have been prouder of her.
Things worked out how they should have done in the end.
im sure your DD will end up in the position she was always destined to.
Being a mum is hard, it doesn’t stop.
you are doing all the right things.
But as others have said, look after yourself too

Poor girl. It's good you found out when you did and can help her. Friends of mine only found out the night before his graduation from a prestigious Ivy League college that their son had dropped out ( or been dropped) eighteen months previously. Their older daughter, who had flown across the country with them to attend the graduation became suspicious and made him confess. He seemed to have been prepared to allow them to attend the graduation and discover the truth there which would have been horrible. It was a devastating shock and hughly distressing for everyone but I can't begin to imagine what that poor boy went through.

Sounds similar to our daughter, although she packed it in after about 6 months, and she didn’t try to hide it. For me, I think, that would be the most troubling, that she felt like she couldn’t approach you, you guys should maybe work on that. Good luck, pretty sure everything will works itself out in the future.

I’ve also done all that. I travelled the world solo in my early 20’s.
As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.

And that would help how?

The DD is obviously vulnerable and needs support not anger.

I think you need to understand that it’s obvious Uni is not for her. University is not the be all and end all of life. I know so many young people who have gone there because it was expected of them. They end up in debt with no possibility of getting a job in the field they studied.

Has she paid rent for the whole year? I assume her contract goes to June/July @UniversityProblems

Just to add, the whole “no money and spacing out her meals” would not be a convincing line of argument for me without seeing totally normal eating behaviour once back at home.

OP you seem pretty convinced there are no ED issues but I wanted to mention there is a very high incidence of autistic women who also have ED. ED sufferers are also masters of deception. So I wouldn’t be so quick to rule it out unless she’s eating well and normally now and gaining once she’s back home. Hope you get to the bottom of it all and are able to support her to rebuild after she has some recovery time. The other huge overlap is of course ADHD which can make self directed uni study immensely challenging.

This thread has brought lots of memories and emotions for me. I dropped out of Uni / was kicked out. Not once but twice. First of a statistics degree I didnt enjoy at all. Never told my parents. Switched to architecture which I finished ten years later after having to start after three years all over again. I always struggled with the workload/energy levels and deadlines, and still do. Its not an intelligence issue.Graduated and got a job and still struggle.
Only during just before my last exams I learned its all mental health related, another ten years later I think there is a bit of ND involved too. Mental health bad because of having a narcissistic father and parents arguing all the time. Never managed to get out of it.
Its lovely to see so many people would genuinely worry about their student child and look after them till they get better. I could not talk to my parents as they would get angry at me. Neither of them have a degree and I feel that getting a degree was their main goal for us children.

She's burnt out. The same thing happened to me. I was always the academic award winner in primary and secondary. It was my identity. My a levels were all predicted to be A*s and then they weren't (I had already burnt out) but I got into my first choice nonetheless.
I thought university would resurrect the 'old me' but it really didn't. I was the least worry to my parents of the 3 of us all through our childhood because I was kind, fun and studious. I knew education mattered so much to my parents so I just couldn't bear to disappoint them even though they always told me they loved me regardless. I felt like my world would end if I wasn't the daughter they were so proud of. I was far more concerned about what they thought of me than how I felt.
I did manage to scrape through the degree with resits etc. but I was very ashamed.
My parents always had me earmarked for great success because that is what I had always shown them. It didn't help when my younger sister, who had always been 'relaxed' when it came to school suddenly decided to put her head down in her last year and do so well that she ended up studying medicine.
After my degree, my parents suggested I do law. I agreed because I didn't want to disappoint them further. I fell into depression and abandoned it. They were incredibly supportive and insisted that I just take time to consider what I would like to do with my life while I worked a part-time, no pressure job. A year later I began training as a primary school teacher and they were excited, happy and proud. I'd never thought they'd feel that way about it but was delighted they did.
I'm 43 now and all is good. I love what I do but it would have never happened if my parents hadn't discovered how much I was struggling and took me back in under their wing and taught me that my academic prowess was not what they loved about me; they just wanted me to be happy.

Just be kind to her, she tried it and it didn’t work out. We British have a terrible attitude generally to things if they don’t work out and that’s quite wrong. She gave it a go, it didn’t work out, move on. Give her time and support and she’ll follow another path. University is over hyped these day. My brother left after one year , tried a few different things but now ten years later is earning over £200k a year doing what he’s good at. By contrast my youngest brother has a Masters degree , can’t find a job and is pulling pints , but he’s happy. I wish her well, just let her go her own route, maybe a year traveling and working in Australia or New Zealand will restore her self confidence x

You know its really hard to give advice without knowing you or your daughter so please don't be offended if this is wide of the mark. You sound to me like university is very important to you and I wonder if your daughter hasn't confided in you for fear of disappointing you or worse making you angry. Please think really hard about what to do next. Do not talk to the uni. Talk calmly and gently to your daughter. I'm so concerned about her state of mind and her weight loss. Give her time to recover and don't force her to talk. There are other options. An apprenticeship for one is so much better than Uni these days. When she is recovered maybe she could look at voluntary work of some kind to help get her confidence back. Meanwhile she needs lots of hugs and all her favourite food and your love to reassure her. Good luck.

Well said!

I’ve seen a lot of this from the other side. I worked in a university before I retired and also some with my own daughters. Your first priority must be your daughter’s health. That might mean letting her chill out at home with proper food for a few weeks or supporting her in the town where her friends are, if you can. Tell the university that she wants to take leave if absence for this academic year on health grounds. If she has hobbies or anything that she can keep herself occupied with at home, encourage that. Emphasise that you love her, whatever she does with her life. If she wants to, a part time job near home might give her some routine and some money. When she’s ready, which will almost certainly be weeks and might be months, start talking about ways forward. It may be that once she’s well she can return to the same university and work out a plan with their student support people. It may need that a more vocational course at a local college or something is a better plan, or starting to build up some credits with the open university. Or if she finds a job she likes, even if it’s not a graduate career (whatever that is these days) she could focus on that for two or three years save some money and build skills and work out what she really wants to do with her life and then choose higher education options that align with that. If you push her to rush things you’ll just end up pushing her away.