Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

@UniversityProblems have you found out more about the financial situation?

Yeah I agree. It seems some type of avoidance is at play here. To continue as if what happened didn't by going about their life like normal.
For that to happen it maybe something that shook them.

That's not what you said though and even if you did preface (not prefix) your views, it still wouldn't make any sense to choose those two as the stand out reasons.

Yes but these are the two reasons that popped into my mind. I can prefix it with “there are literally 10.000 reasons but these are what I think…” if you’d like?

Why are those two things the only possible options? Poor relationship or ND? There are literally tens of reasons and no doubt there is more than one to explain why the DD has dropped out of Uni.

Well done for handling it so well. She has learnt that no matter what her mistake, she can turn to you. You've dealt with this without anger and judgement and she won't forget that.

She must have been feeling so trapped by the pretence for months and worrying about what would happen when it finally came out. She is now overcome with relief that she isn’t pretending any more and feeling grateful you are still there for her. No wonder she is emotional - what an ordeal for such a young adult.

It will all work out she is so young

@UniversityProblems Can relate. Whatever academic path DD wants to take, if your home life is stable, I strongly advise you let her live at home but suggest that if DD is unsure of what she wants to do in terms of a career, DD could, for example get a temporary job (could be part-time if health is poor until well again) or if determined about a specific career, she will time to get her health back on track at home and write out exactly what she needs to do to get into the career she really wants. If DD's self-esteem and confidence have deteriorated with her physical health, I strongly advise you let her live at home and focus on that otherwise you could both find yourselves climbing Mount Everest (as oppose to an easier mountain) in the long-term. I lost many years of what should have been the happiest years of my life... please don't make the same mistake.

Priorities your daughter's health and wellbeing. Love her back to health the best way you can (with professional help if needed) and then you can gradually, gently, support her with her career choice.
She needs you right now.

We experienced a similar scenario with our daughter. The unique circumstance was that we had to bring her home at the midpoint of her third year. It was the most optimal decision we could have made at that juncture and I am eternally grateful for it.

The pressure to succeed in university can be more pronounced for some individuals. Perhaps university life is not the ideal choice for your daughter. Nonetheless, you now have her at home. Provide her with some time to contemplate different avenues ahead. She is just going down another path. But at least she is safe. If there is anything to tell, she will in her own time. Good luck

A lot of what's happened with your daughter resonates with my own experience with A-levels and university. Somehow I managed to scrape through both, though nowhere near as well as I should have done. My parents still think it was because I was lazy. 18 year olds might well be adults, but that doesn't mean they're ready to be completely independent. I know I certainly wasn't.

University seems like it's not for now. And that's ok. I've learned so much being in the workforce, and I hope to return to university in September at the age of 40. I'm older and more confident, and I hope I will cope better than I did first time around.

Wow, I could related so much with your early life. My childhood was similar to yours and I had very critical parents and one being an addict (and in my case grandparents were critical and very involved too. I grew up in India).

It broke me much later when dealing with too much stress from work and family at the same day.

Op sounds like a really concerned mother. I am sure her support will help her dd tremendously.

This is not a very helpful comment. (Sounds like, let’s blame the parent shall we)

I think it is good that YP is now at home and hopefully starting to feel safe. I have a YP who went to uni but dropped out and l think it’s traumatic for them.

Someone close to me, one of the brightest people I know, did this. Not my child.

I won’t go into all the details but in case any of it resonates:

• Anxiety played a large part. As a child they could be supported through even though the signs of anxiety were there, especially surrounding exams. At university they couldn’t handle it.
• Motivation didn’t exist to do work they considered pointless. They also couldn’t take the competitive nature of it and I suspect no longer being a big fish in a small pond.
• They didn’t consider an alternative to uni ever because it just seemed like that was the default path and they should do the same as their peers. They thought they were expected to go by school and parents.
• With some support and time at home, they started working locally. This was the best decision they made. They worked incredibly hard during that time in a thankless role. Motivation was no issue anymore.
• They moved on to a company in an industry they love, working their way up and working very hard. It’s a smaller company and they get on well with everyone. They are happy. They found the right place for them in the end.

After a break, he completed a Science degree and then applied, and was accepted into the medical course again.
Today he's a Consultant Anaesthetist.
I believe that your daughter ( like my son) is too immature for uni and needs a break.

You can help her by letting her make what to you look like shameful mistakes. Don't try and control her life. Up to her to find the adult in her and contact Uni etc.
I somehow scraped thru Uni and then got in trouble with police when I started shoplifting big time, didn't pay my rent, didn't go to graduation and blamed it all on an MS diagnosis. Boyfriend had left. But would not accept help, no way was I going to be pampered by my Dad. And yes, Had eating problems too. Would not visit a therapist.

Your daughter doesn't sound half as bad as that! She probably feels ashamed, a let down, never wanted to go to Uni anyway.........and might be better to casually see if she will try a Counsellor or Therapist. She will have learnt some good and some bad over recent months and might appreciate help to process it.

Looks like several others have the same messages!

It's not strange, I thought the same.

It's good she's home OP, you can coddle her for a bit until she's less fragile. Future plans can wait for a bit.

It happens to quite a few kids. Your DD needs to know that she isn't alone at all.
One of my flatmates failed first year and then pretended he was going into lectures everyday in second year to both us and his gf. He didn't confess until nearly the end of the year.

An ex bf did the same thing- he came back for 2nd year but didn't bother matriculating. He told his parents at Easter. Though there weren't huge fees in those days- and that puts a lot more pressure on the young people.

Usually they are either just not ready for independent learning and life away from home or they hate their course. It's hard to find motivation if what you've chosen isn't for you. Once things start to go wrong it often feels impossible for them to fix it. They can get easily depressed or overwhelmed.
Most of my 'drop out' friends went back to university in a few years to do something they loved.

My DS is off to uni this year and I am drumming it into him if he hates univ life or the course or anything else he has to say because it's absolutely fine- everyone has to find their fit and you don't always get that at the first go.

You've done that as in you received a university education?

And thank you for starting a thread that has brought out what a common issue this is, and so many helpful responses. I was also that extremely bright child who simply couldn't cope with the combination of unstructured study and a first serious boyfriend who happily derailed all attempts to knuckle down. My distressed parents were nonetheless supportive and I ended up with a very successful TV career. Decades later I am surprised how much this thread has stirred up old feelings.