Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

I have a story of a young man who went to dental school. Parents wanted him to go I think. He was never quite up to it academically (had lots of help at home and went to a super supportive small private school too). Failed first year at dentistry, failed again. Somehow did a total of three years with no result to show.
Came home, depressed. But eventually found his footing as a gardener and is now going great guns at the age of 30.
He needed time and care, but eventually sorted himself out

I don't understand quarrelsome posters like you. You are having a go at someone who has laid bare her deeply difficult and complex family situation and she was entitled to contradict your baseless assumption. She did so in a pleasant and fair manner yet you sound harsh and judgmental and unkind.

Really it is posts like these that make it hard to open up on Mn.

This exactly and the Uni wouldn’t talk to you anyway as she is over 18.

It sounds like Uni course was either too difficult for her academically, or she struggled with motivation and or wasn’t on the right course. Look after her get her well and then maybe she could look at an apprenticeship or a job.

OP, others have shared helpful supportive and practical posts nd I don't think I can add meaningfully to that.

But I am rooting for you and your dd.

What a situation to find yourselves in.

Wishing you and her happiness and success.

Apologies, caught up on your replies that you'd not known she'd failed the foundation year and that she'd got good A-levels. Makes more sense.

I had someone work for me once where I also worked for his Dad. They barely talked. Turned out (I found out later) that his Dad turned up to his uni graduation to find junior didn't graduate as he'd dropped out the previous year and never told him.

I suspect this happens more often than you think.

Good luck.

She might just need time.

Sometimes young people need a few years before they’re ready to do uni.

just because she’s dropping out now doesn’t mean she’s never going to be able to do it- or want to do it.

why not suggest a year out, getting a job and living at home/ saving for travel?

she could maybe restart a new course in a new direction once she’s a little bit older?

I've not read all of the other posts but it sounds like Uni wasn't for her. And I'm going to be a little firmer than I'd like in some ways as I can read that your heart is broken, perhaps university was always a bad idea if she needed to do a foundation year, then failed it. I think there were two opportunities there to say "perhaps this isn't for her", firstly after her A Levels and then after she failed her foundation year.

But sometimes we all do this. We have a dream for the future and don't stop to reassess it when information changes. But it has. And, again, I'm sorry if this is hard, but perhaps it was your dream more than it was hers.

The important thing now is she's home and she's safe. This must have been a huge knock to her confidence though and she's probably feeling a mixture of shame and beating herself up.

My niece went through a similar experience. She quit uni after 2 years and my sibling found out later she'd not been attending lectures. Later, she was diagnosed with autism which I think was a contributory factor. Not saying that's the case for your daughter but it's something we all missed and I feel incredible guilt for encouraging her to go. It wasn't for her. But now she's got a job she loves and is thriving.

Perhaps one suggestion is to seek some therapy for her. Someone she can talk to that's not you. It will probably cost you some money but you can see how she is and that even her weight is a worry. It's money well spend. I've done this for myself before when I've needed it and use the BACP therapist register as then you know the person is trained and part of a professional body: | BACP

It's worth trying your NHS and you can self refer in some areas but honestly I'd recommend paying as the waits are long and support often limited.

Good luck with the future. And focus on the fact she's now home and safe.

I'm so pleased to read your update and that your DD is doing well. She's a lucky girl to have such a supportive mum and family.

FWIW I think it's really important to acknowledge and affirm that it's possible to be an intelligent person but not necessarily suited to academia.

I was offered places at uni as a teen but didn't go due to lack of family support, which I regretted and resented for decades. I eventually signed up for Open University in my late forties...and dropped out 18 months later as I absolutely loathed the constraints of academic writing (trained as a journalist and wrote as a hobby which is a very different style!). I was also diagnosed with ADHD during my first year.

I spent so long thinking I had to get a degree to prove myself but have realised that whilst I love to learn I definitely don't enjoy writing essays about it! I'm now back to spending my spare time crafting and writing stories 😊.

Wishing your lovely DD all the best for the future wherever her path leads her.

🙄

You seem to feel very passionate about this.

Perhaps try to RTFT?

What a silly post in the context of.

I have experience of this with a DC. Imagine it’s pretty common.

I view it as the scenic route. Who says you have to do every stage of life as expected. You can miss out if you plough on for the summit without a little wander through the forest and along the stream, admiring the views along the way.

And adults shouldn’t have to tell all to their parents. As long as they’re OK and not taking the piss.

Your DD sounds lovely and switched on, with a big loving family around her. That’s all that matters. The rest will fit into place. Hope she enjoys the scenic route 💐

OP there does seem to be a lot of.contracdictions in your perception.
You say "until yesterday I had a dd who was always top.of the class" but that hasn't been the case for a very long time.

She didn't get the required grades at A level, failed her first foundation year and then again the second foundation year attempt?

It seems like she actually struggles with academically quite deeply and that's ok.

I think alarm bells should have been ringing before even sending her to uni, unless there was some exceptional circumstances like illness that meant she underperformed in her A levels.

Then after yhe first foundation year, it should have been 'ok, well done for giving this your best shot. There are other paths to success, shall we look for a job or apprenticeship "?

It feels like you are possibly projecting unrealistic aspirations on your DD and she's tried to live up to them.

Me too and it was also what I wondered when I read the OP.

Whatever is going on she clearly needs you, I am glad you took her home.

OP, please please please DO NOT make a 3 year plan with your Daughter. This is the worst advice I've heard in a long time. She's obviously felt pressure to not let you down and that's why she felt she couldn't tell you. A 3 year plan is just going to make her feel under more pressure and the weight of expectations.

Uni obviously isn't for her. I spent many years doing a well paid, respected, professional but "square peg in a round hole job", and now I'm in my late 40s I bitterly regret not doing more jobs at 18 just to try them on for size, to see what I liked, and see which jobs fit me best. I really do think I'd advise someone in your Daughter's shoes (once she has licked her wounds and feels better about things) to do some agency jobs, some temping, unpaid work experience, and decide what she actually wants to be. If she starts working in a job she likes there's plenty of time for further training at any point in her career. A good employer would see her flare and enthusiasm and be happy to upskill her.

Life doesn't have to be decided in 3 years, and certainly not the 3 years from 18-21.

So glad your DD is beginning to open up. My DS has been home from uni over Easter . He is set to fail the year through non attendance but because Wellbeing were involved and he explained to his tutor in a full email what was and had been going on they haven’t been putting pressure on him.

He is a changed person from the one we saw at Christmas. I think because he was open and honest about what was happening he has been able to move forward and start dealing with his mental health. He didn’t take a leave of abscess because he would then be unable to access the online material for his course. He has been engaging with the online material. The uni publish all the lectures online so he’s been keeping up. It’s just the practical stuff he wasn’t able to attend.

We think we know our children but this part of their life can be difficult. The transition from teens to adult can be difficult when they are ND or they have a series of experiences that most people don’t get to experience until they are more mature.

DS arrived home and has spent his time sorting out all the jobs that I struggle with, lawn mowing being one of them. I didn’t need to ask or nag. He was up, most days, early and his sleep pattern is much healthier.

Most noticeable was that he was no longer irritable all the time. He discovered that his best friend, who is at the same uni but who hasn’t been around has been home going through a similar problem. He was in his final year (DS had a year out) but when he went back in September he had a big wobble. He had been embarrassed to say anything to DS and because they had t seen each other neither knew of the others problems.

I think it was a relief for both of them that they were not alone. DS is still thinking about what to do. It’s been encouraging talking to his friends who are aware of his problems and have been helping get back to “normal”. He had met a girl and is looking forward to maybe developing a relationship. He’s never been short of female company but had a couple of short term relationships that were difficult because of his state of mind. He spoke about it and confessed that since he wasn’t dealing with his own wellbeing he couldn’t really interact with someone else. This was obvious from his behaviour with DH and I. You could sense his continual underlying agitation.

I do seem to have my boy back who wants to chat and have a giggle. We have always had long entertaining conversations about rugby, tv series and life in general.

So much of me wants him to be sorted but since I’ve been having problems coming to terms with a shared bereavement I can’t expect him to be any different.

Hopefully they will let him retake the year. Finance is fortunately not an issue. He’s signed a house lease for next year so hopefully he is making his way back on track.

I am reminded of my youngest sisters journey at a similar age. Having seen her two older sisters blossom at uni and embrace higher education she failed her A levels and had to retake. At the time I was in my clinical years so rarely home. I didn’t see the mess she got herself into. She was ND although undiagnosed, she reset, retook her A levels and embarked on an 8 yr uni career emerging with a PhD and became a marine biologist. She had a wonderful life travelling the world visiting places most of us would never get the chance to see.

If she’d passed her A levels first time she may not have followed the same path. Things happen for a reason and we are here for a long time. Better to be doing something we want to do rather than doing what is expected.

My DSis changed career after having breast cancer at 34. She added another degree to her collection and ended up in her dream job lecturing in microbiology at Plymouth uni. She really learned that nothing was the end of the world. Sadly after being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease she died recently of pancreatic cancer. She packed so much into her life and used her early failure as motivation throughout her life.

Hopefully your DD will accept that this is a blip. When they are bright we often forget to prepare them for failure because academia is so easy for them. When they fail, and many do, they are often surprised and are unable to ask for help. Your DD has hopefully learned that you will always support her regardless. The first step towards recovery is to admit to there being something wrong. Don't rush her it will all fall into place but not necessarily in the planned order.

I'm so glad that it sounds like you have a way forward, OP. Best of luck to your DD, and to you.. Thank you for the update.

One of mine quit/got chucked out of uni. A few years ago now - before mental health was really in the public domain.

We found out after the event. Uni will discuss little with you as she's over 18.

18/19 - technically an adult and yet still a child - not all are ready to jump into the world of uni, adult life, living away etc etc.

For many, be they students, parents, schools, society, then every 18yo needs to go to uni. But in reality not all do. Some need a year or two before hand, some need a job, some need other training, courses, apprenticeships.

So carefully pick up the pieces, don't question too much/intensively. Get her back to a place of relative comfort and come up with an introduction to adult live v2.0

Sod any of your friends who ask pointed questions/make comments/judgements etc.

For the record ours is ok. Doing well. It'd have been hard for him to get where he is without uni even though he never finished it. (several y2s!)

All the best.

Don’t dismiss an eating disorder. Dd, who had a shocking time at uni, has just been diagnosed and it was a huge shock to her (and us). In her case it is anxiety related and she’s had it for 3 years, unbeknown to us.

University isn't for everyone, doesn't have to be one specific thing. I dropped out of uni (I commented earlier in the thread) and I specifically didnt want to talk to my parents about it as I felt they would try to persuade me to stay and I hated it. I could cope with work etc, I just didnt fit well in a formal academic setting. there were no apprenticeships like there are today when I was at uni, but that would have been much better for me. i eventually got my degree while being sponsored through work. I need structure! I am now a CPO in a large organisation earning well, so it was all fine. I would just encourage parents to try to be open and encourage early discussions, but dont be set on one course.

I’m so glad everything is settling down - I’ve been thinking of you all x

Your daughter should find out what credits/transcripts she can transfer to another institution (if she wants to do that later). She might be able to do an evening module with someone like the Open University and get a complete first year out of it. Then, later, she could go back in with some progress already banked. Quite a lot of students change direction after first year, so she wouldn't be alone in that regard.

A lovely update. Well done to you all xx

Good update, I’m glad she’s doing well.

So what actually happened to make her stop going? It doesn’t sound like she was struggling with the work. Only if you want to share of course - I only ask because I want to prevent this happening to my dd.

Glad to hear things are much brighter Op.

Have you considered autism too? It’s very common in eating disorders and adhd