Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

I failed uni the first time. Clever child who never had to learn how to study and all of a sudden I skipped a few lectures then couldnt catch up and sat exams I knew I was never going to pass. My initial way of dealing with it was also to lie about it but I eventually came clean. Got a job in my uni city and parents havent paid a penny towards me since then. Have subsequently put myself through uni as a married adult and doing not bad for myself.

Uni isnt for everyone, and uni at 17/18 definitely isnt for everyone. As hard as it is (as I now have teens and hate when they lie to me) shes probably not in a good place rn and it would be best not to be angry at this time. Having been there I lied because my parents reaction was worse than the embarrassment and shame of failing and our relationship is challenging at best.

I wouldn’t keep trying at the same thing. She can go back to the university path later if she wants. Right now she needs a win. She needs to go out and find something she can do successfully. That might be a training program. It might just be getting a job and feeling the satisfaction of earning a paycheck.

Oh give over on council tax it sounds like her DD is currently very vulnerable! Like council tax is important in this situation!

You mentioned weight loss could she be anorexic?

How has she coped with no student loan? Have you been paying her an allowance?

As she is no longer a student council tax will be due on her accommodation

Tred carefully OP don't push her just surround her with love for the time being.
When she's a bit stronger simply state that your always here when she wants a chat that you love her regardless and your there to support her.

She sounds like she in quite a fragile state currently.
When she's a bit stronger gently go over options with her, apprenticeships are a good route into things. University is not always the right fit it doesn't mean that's life over although it may feel like it to her (hence she probably hid it).

If she can't pass a foundation year then there's no point flogging it. Modern apprenticeships are a great option but she needs to be much stronger before starting to look into it.

Well done for bringing her home.

I would be very gentle. I would also get her therapy ASAP.

What’s done is done. It clearly went wrong for whatever reason, whether it was just too much academically, she didn’t put the work in or she experienced some kind of trauma. Give her time at home and make it clear that she can talk to you at any time, without any pressure. Give her time and space to heal and then she can start looking forward to the future.

Almost 30 years ago, a colleague's son did something similar - had left the university or been asked to leave I can't remember which, but either way, he didn't tell his parents and just went back in the September as though nothing had happened. I remember my colleague's ashen face when he told me he was driving up to Birmingham to go and fetch him that weekend.

I really feel for your dd OP. She must have felt to ashamed to say anything.

But there are other paths - university is not the be all and end all. Get her home, get her healthy again, and go and see a careers advisor.

She's not interested in uni. It's not her thing. She can try an apprenticeship.

Maybe no comfort however this scenario is more common than you think. I can understand how worried you must be.

This happened to my house mate at uni and he couldn't face telling his parents either. He actually stayed in our shared flat for the whole 4 years getting pocket money payments from his parents to live off who thought he was studying hard. Eventually he got a part time job and is now the manager and is much more suited to that. Similarly my boyfriend at the time dropped out in second year and worked instead but still lived in our student flat. It's much more common than you hear about. She'll have still learnt a lot about herself from the experience, there's a lot you get from trying uni out and living away from home even if it doesn't work out. Even if it does a degree doesn't always help you find the right career for you, mine didn't. Just support her to find her next step, there's so many different choices, I wouldn't dwell on why didn't tell you, we all find our pride can get in the way of seeking help sometimes, just being there for her now is enough.

Pride . Fear of being seen as a failure which she is not . Uni isn’t for everyone. In my youth I was an art and design student. Halfway through I knew I was wasting my time as I didn’t have the talent and it was clear to me that only a handful of students were going to get anywhere. It was for the reasons given at the start of my post that kept me there .

My parents friends went through similar, they are both doctors. Two of their children were academic but one wasn't. They spent lots of money on private education, and it was a natural expectation their not academic son would go to uni. He dropped out in the first term, and never told them. They eventually found he was working as a forklift truck driver in a warehouse, and pocketing the money they were sending him as well. I think they had unrealistic expectations. Not everyone is cut out for uni. He eventually qualified as a plumber and is married to a hairdresser, and they are proud of him. They'll admit they were in the wrong to push him to uni.

This is going to sound harsh by why on earth did you not talk her out of going to uni in the first place when she didn’t have the required grades in the fist place and then again allow her to go back having failed the first year. It’s just set her up to fail?

Has she come out with debt?

If she were mine I’d be extremely cross that she was wasting yet more money on rent just to pretend to be at university but I would also be more concerned as to why she couldn’t tell me she failed both years and that she’d rather live with no money, getting very thin than be honest me. I’d feel I’d let her down and made my daughter too afraid of disappointing me.

Was she pushed into university, your wish for her rather than hers?

What was she studying/ what does she want to do career wise?

Uni isn't for everyone, and that's ok, there are many routes to sucessful career, and for now it's helping her know that this is a temporary set back rather than the end of the world, and getting her back into a good place physically and emotionally

I could have worded it better, I dont disagree with you i think it was the first bit that confused me

FWIW I left after a term on my first attempt but went back to a different university under my own steam 8 years later. I was either in the wrong place or just not ready. There are other careers that don't involve university. It's a shame she felt she had to hide what was happening though.

She didn’t manage to complete her work two years in a row so it clearly isn’t the right place for her at least not at this time.

I think now you just need support her in being mentally in the right place and deciding what she want to do now and how to get there.

I get why you are concerned but now you know you can help her come through it and get on a good path.

In fairness, I and several other people I know fell apart at uni for that reason. It happens far more often than we would like to believe.

It wasn’t for her. Let her recover at home and then she can think about what she wants to do. It’s nothing to be ashamed of but is a shock when it happens (a good friend’s DC did the same for 2 years unbeknown to her). She did go back but failed the year and then left. She’s now got a good job and is happy.

I agree.

Agree with every word of this
For a while just give her time and support.

Why would she feel the need to hide this from you?