Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

Poor kid, she must have been so scared about what to do. Well done for the loving way you have handled it all OP, especially when you are in shock yourself.

How did she afford her accommodation? Has she been working?

It’s very interesting that after saying your daughter failed A levels and then two years of foundation … that what is crossing your mind is speaking to the uni.

You sound nice so I think you don’t mean to - but I suspect you are giving your daughter vibes that uni is the way to go and it’s clearly not for her. It’s likely she does not want to disappoint you. Ask her if this is true.

Foundation years are for kids who did not do well in A levels and need that extra year - to fail two foundation years means this poor child is not suited to uni.

Reassure her it’s ok and you just want her to be happy and take her home to heal.

This is such a weird way of saying something that never needed to be said.

It’s clear the OP’s daughter is not suited for academics.

What a stupid question.

How much pressure was put on her to go to Uni, did she actually want to go?
University is not the be all and end all, help her find her path. At the moment she needs love and no pressure.

I'd forget any ideas of her going to university. She needs to feel safe at home for a while without any pressure until she decides what she wants to do next. Sounds to me that university was never the right path for her.

Uni is not for everyone and imho most of the courses are not worth the paper they're written on apart from ones that allow you to qualify in a specific profession. Unis became businesses in the past 20-30 years - they're not what they used to be - a gateway to a good job for life with a nice standard of living.
Instead many students are severely in debt and often for Mickey Mouse courses which will never allow them to earn a decent living.

They will happily take in any student because they are paid whether or not the student completes the course. My son has international students in his course who have almost no English and no way of following a lecture but they pay a lot of money to the Unis and that's all that matters for a business.

Give her a big hug, lots of support and help her to find a job locally until she figures out what else she wants to do.

This is what my friend did with her son when he returned home. Food, rest for now.

He went onto a good career.

She's very fragile just now

I’m in my late thirties and I have two friends who did this. We all went to a state sixth form that got good (not stellar across the board, but in the top 200 or 300 state schools) results and there was just an underlying assumption that everyone would likely go to university, but without the support in choosing what to actually do (I didn’t have a single conversation with a teacher about what might suit me and there weren’t even any parents’ evenings). Neither of my parents were graduates. I did get through university, but I think in retrospect I definitely chose the wrong subject as it was very stressful and I didn’t really enjoy it at all! I think that this is one difficulty in the expansion of higher education - it’s bolted on to a system that used to provide society with its 10 per cent graduates to get particular almost guaranteed professional jobs. I wouldn’t argue that we should return to that, but I also don’t think that the support is really there to help students make good choices, or provide what is valuable to employers and parents often don’t have the information either.

Both my friends have happy lives now. I think that they might have worried that they were missing out if they didn’t go, but neither got a lot out of it (one has worked his way up in a job he had part time as a student at university, the other is doing something he could have done without a degree).

Don’t go hard on finding your DD something else, otherwise it may confirm any fears she might have that you are disappointed in her. She needs rest, food and unconditional love.

Uni isn’t for everyone. My nephew failed his first year twice. He tried a year of The Open University and failed that. He had the brains but not the work ethic. He’s now working a minimum wage job while he works out what he wants to do with his life.
My friend has a son in his last year of uni. On course for a first, told his parents at Christmas he hates his course and is dropping out to get a job.
I work in a shop and the amount of graduates we employ because they can’t get a job related to their degree is frightening. All that debt and they can only get a minimum wage job.

Poor love. Ease off all pressure if you aren’t already doing. She sounds in a bad way. If she is in a depressed fug then she might need to go slow and feel
the unconditional love without expectations of her.

Next steps really need to be led by her. I know you are probably panicking and wanting a new plan for her but she might need to be rebuilding herself first before doing anything concrete.

Hugs to you. It must be devastating to see your lovely daughter like this.

@Papyrophile
MN is obsessed with good schools and university, it’s as if their child’s wants or suitability doesn’t matter. Routine sneering and outrage at tradesmen being high earners, better that than unemployed with a degree.
People really need to get rid of the mindset than university is must have, so many other great careers out there. Also a trade takes 4/5 years to learn and often much more skilled than any degree.

Your poor DD. She’s home now and safe which is what matters. I would let her decompress and just be there with food and support. She’ll likely explain what happened in time.

My own DS said he didn't want to go to uni and applied to college instead and he's doing great.

There really is no disgrace in trying university level study and learning that you aren't cut out for it or interested enough. There's a heap of self-respect in facing up to that knowledge and finding another route.

We were talking about military unpreparedness tonight. It's close to DH's business so we take an interest. The navy can't find the skilled welders it needs.

How many MNetters understand how many levels of skill are available and certifiable in the welding trade? There are levels all the way up to advanced nuclear.. and someone qualified to that level can essentially name their price. Think several thousand pounds per day.

Tower crane operators are paid high hundreds/low thousands of pounds per day. No AI bot is going to replace their skills and judgement anytime soon.

I went to uni straight from school and was sooo not ready for it. I was miserable, did no work, went to no lectures, made no friends and just stayed in my room on my own. Failed my first year exams, of course.

I went back to uni 9 years later and did fine.

My dad never let up on criticising me for dropping out; he brought it up every time he saw me until he died. Make sure your DD is certain that you love her as she is, with no judgement

I have known this happen with two friends kids. On one occasion he told them a couple of months before his graduation ceremony that he had not graduated as they had thought and had dropped out of Uni. I think it was some kind of MH crisis. He later went on to re-do the third years successfully.
Another friend's son ( again mh ) just wasn't attending and they only found out when his student loan stopped being paid. They had access to the loan as he was struggling to budget, so they would release it to him gradually. I expect it is far more common than you think. I am concerned my own dd will drop out. Her mental health is poor and the course is intense.

It might not be important compared to her mental health but they will want paying so worth knowing to expect a bill.

Hope your daughter finds a better suited path for her. Uni is not the be all or end all.

‘What can I do to help her?’

I think you first need to work out how this all happened.

Did she beg and beg you to go despite not having the grades? If so, then she’s probably embarrassed and I would be full on supporting her telling her you’ll always love her etc.

or did you want her to go and turned a blind5 eye to the fact that at the moment, uni was never going to be the right place for her. There was 3 years of clues. If it’s this one, then first off you owe her a massive apology then support as above.

or has she actually just been super naughty and you’ve been funding her to doss about for 5 years?

there’s no point talking to the uni. This level of academics very clearly isn’t available to her at the moment.

This happened to me. I wasn’t mature enough to get myself to classes etc and self directed study. I couldn’t get my priorities right and spent what little money I had on going out. I repeated a year and then failed that. Felt terrible hiding it from my parents and let’s just say they were not as kind as you have been when they found out. I felt like a total failure. But I worked for a couple of years which I loved. I went travelling and then once I’d matured a bit I decided to return to university (self funded) and have excelled in my chosen career. It will be bumpy for a bit, but everyone develops a different ages and sounds like it’s just not the right time. I hope your daughter is ok, she’s going to need a lot of love and support just now.

First post nails it,

Uni is not the be all and end all. She clearly has far larger issues than "Why did the Uni drop her?" especially when the answer to that is blindingly obvious.

First step.....help her get healthy, physically and mentally.

Second.... find out why she felt she couldnt tell you (clue: your reaction is very telling that you have put an awful lot of importance on Uni over her wellbeing).

Third ...... help her find another path

Fourth ..... butt the hell out of her life.

@Scottishskifun just giving the OP heads up that she might have a bill coming her way

Hi OP

We have been through something similar. It's such a shock when you've had no idea.

I wouldn't try to make any decisions now or encourage DD to, including about whether uni is for her in the longer term. It's far too early to do that, you don't yet know what has gone on.

Focus on getting her well- good food to get her weight up, time outside etc, and do some enjoyable things together- this sort of thing feels like the end of the world when you are young and it will help her to feel that actually life carries on. Make sure she understands that you are not angry. Gradually talk to her about what's been going on and see whether she can tell you what she thinks went wrong. It's not necessarily that it was a poor fit academically (this was our experience- very academic DC with great results at school but who couldn't manage with the unstructured uni environment). Once she is well and more herself you can start piecing it all together and working out next steps but you don't need to rush. It can feel as if everything is very urgent and as if she must decide quickly or be left behind but in fact that's not true at all- plenty of people take a few years to find their feet or have a false start or two.

She might find it helpful to talk to the GP to rule out any mental health concerns. The whole experience will have been hard for her, including keeping up appearances with you, and that can be tough on mental health.

Some practical things- is she still registered as a student in any sense and liable for any fees? What about her rent obligations- was she in student or private accommodation? Our experience was that the university was really great about the money side of things once we showed them a letter from the GP which mentioned stress.

University don’t let you continue if you keep failing to complete modules, pass exams. Usually get one more chance to retake something but that is it