Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

I work at a University and we very had cases where a student doesn't tell their parent they've failed and been withdrawn until they all turn up to Graduation and there is no Graduation...

@UniversityProblems Unfortunately if your daughter has repeated her first (Foundation) year and failed, she won't be able to complete another full University course unless she self funds. Students are only able to claim 5 years of loans - 4 x FY plus 1 x repeat year.

However if she's struggled to pass the first FY then it does sound like University life isn't for her, which is fine. There are other options at ner young age (not always studying) but there's no rush to have anything sorted immediately.

The lass is probably great at something else, but may not have learned yet that whatever it is has a marketable value. For now, she needs a bit of looking after before she tries to fly again in a new direction.

She failed her A levels, then failed a foundation year twice. This is quite a long standing pattern. The poor girl is obviously not academically able and desperately trying not to disappoint her parents.

Did she not come home for Christmas? You say she went back in sept, but surely you’ve seen her since then? But then you say she’s very skinny and lost a lot of weight- has that been since sept or in the last 6 weeks since Christmas?

was she eating/losing weight over the Christmas holidays? Any signs of an ED?

You can only speak to the university if she has given written consent for to speak to them.

It's suspicious that she kept it from you - is she under family pressure to do well at university? If she struggled the first year why on earth did you allow her to go back? Also how could you not know she was short of money and not eating, how often did you bother to check on her? Find another path for her but first let her get better. TBH I question your parenting.

Why specifically a rape?
Why not struggling to deal with uni work? Why not bullying? Why not suicidal thought's? Why not an eating disorder?
Why did you single out rape?

@CurlyhairedAssassin you clearly see the situation in a similar way to me. I did a PGCE a long time ago, and as it was in PHSE/Citizenship, I did a bit of stuff on careers. It dawned on me after a week of getting nowhere that some kids were going to follow their parents, and needed quick accurate mental arithmetic, and others were going to university to become doctors like their parents; there really wasn't much thought for the skills needed in between the extremes. I would have liked to segue into careers advisory service, even for free, but the county wasn't funding it.

I see this on MN constantly about uni this and uni that for DC. Parents need to take a step back. Give their DC some breathing space to explore all options, not just uni path. All have their merits.

I am glad my eldest felt he could say he wasn't wanting to attend uni and said it was college for him and he is really excelling on his own journey. He's made good friends and loves his course. He may go on to uni later but if doesn't he will still have very proud parents and his happiness is paramount. He's had mental health struggles and we support him every step of the way. He's always felt he can be honest and upfront and knows we are proud regardless. Never push children to do what you want them to do - leave them to take their own path.

Wishing your DD a speedy recovery.

Son was ambivalent about the first year but scrapped through and then partway through second year we had a horrendous conversation with him at 2am so went and got him. He dropped out. Went back to start a new course which he enjoyed and got a 2:2 because he hated all the academic writing and referencing ’bollocks’, so we had to give a lot of support.

Now happily working but doing something that he could have easily done via the apprenticeship route. Earning a decent salary now.

university isnt for everyone and the student loan they all end up with is the biggest con of their generation. With hindsight he should have gone down the apprenticeship route and we would have all been far happier and better off.

Bring her home, no pressure and just be there for her. There are still many options for 20 year olds and apprenticeships are one option.

OP, don't panic - she is not alone, uni is not for her, she needs to find her thing, we don't all find that in the by-the-book way, some have one, or more false starts.

I flunked out of A levels after a year, started again at another college, scraped good enough results to get into uni studying electrical engineering, got booted out after a year for not completing sufficient modules.

Had to start again, took a more vocational route and now 20 years on run my own Electrical Engineering business and employ 16 people.

Support her, help her to find her groove in life record and follow it, whatever it may be! All the best to her, she's not failed at anything, she has found her limitation, fine, move sideways and onwards!

I am in similar situation with my son. Found out a couple of weeks ago he had not submitted any assignments or been to any lectures in his first semester. We found out as he had a complete breakdown and it all came out. He says he wants to resit but honestly I’m hoping he decides uni is not for him and decides to leave and find another path. Maybe in in a few years he’ll go?

Yup. Bless her, she needs feeding up. What has she been doing since dropping out? I would see if there’s any openings locally that aren’t too demanding, she probably needs love, care and a gentle chat about whatever she wants to open up about. There are some great apprenticeship schemes about then she’ll be paid and learning (if she wants)

Was she scared of disappointing you? (I don’t mean that in a bad way, just remember uni days and not telling my parents that I had a viva in the holidays)

I’m a course leader at a London university with 20 years uni teaching experience. It’s not totally clear from your timeline when she was withdrawn. A lot depends on what has actually happened here and on what grounds she has been withdrawn. If she has failed the course, she will not be permitted to do it again or renter and have another try (again depending on what has happened and when you could have a case for complaint or appeal) - but she could apply to a different course and start again. If I were you the first thing is obviously sorting her health - the uni will want any action to come from her rather than you.

Happen to a son of a friend. It took a while for everyone to get over it (parents and lad). His parents were so hurt he hadn’t told them and angry that he hadn’t attended any lectures - hence getting booted. The lad was just broken and ashamed.

All good now he’s found a job and a way forward that suits him better.

There are loads of careers like this, that kids at age 17-18 just aren't aware of. And neither are their teacher advisors at school. IMO, the schools just want to get the box ticked for "destination after A-levels" for each student, and the easiest thing for hte is to recommend uni if the young person is academic enough.

Young people mature at different rates. Some are mature and driven at 18 and settle down to uni iimmediately. Other would be better off taking a year or two exploring options,getting work experience in different areas, mixing with older colleagues and talking to them about the different opportunities out there in that field. Even just deciding that something isn't for them after all is useful in deciding your path.

OP, just let her recover, rest, think and make a plan. And make sure she absolutely understands that you DON'T see her as having failed. This is more common than you think.

What I think is wrong is the way parental income is assessed for the maintenance loan, yet parents don't have any right to know if their child drops out of or is asked to leave university. It's wrong. I know they are classed as adult, but if that were really the case, the government would ensure the loan system TREATED them fully as an independent adult, and would not take parental income into account.

I actually think this is a good question. Not necessarily fair but has she experienced some trauma? The mos obvious explanation is she didn’t get on with uni but hopefully you will be able to sense if something is wrong. The dramatic weight loss is concerning.

I remember being 21, at uni, in a new city, not many friends and struggling.

I had to do a foundation year because I didn’t get the required A level grades to get straight on a BA course.

I struggled really bad. I was sick of education and essay writing and maths tests. (God knows how, but I ended up making it through 5 years and finally passing my degree with a 2:1).

But- uni is not for everyone. And that’s okay. In fact it’s absolutely fine!

Please tell your daughter that whatever she’s feeling right now, she is not a failure and that it’s not the end of the world. She can go back and apply for a uni degree (if she really wants to) at any stage in her life. Uni isn’t just for young people and college leavers. People of all ages do degrees.

It seems right now, she needs to be home and needs TLC. She needs to apply for a few jobs, wether it be retail, hospitality, entry level office work/ absolutely anything! She doesn’t need to have life “all figured out” yet (not many people do).

On the contrary. It’s a good question and the op needs to have a proper think about any role she has played in this (she may not have done) to be able to work out how best to help her dd now.

Most of us need both practical and intellectual or academic qualifications to navigate life successfully. There's as much, and probably more, skill in operating a tower crane in an inner city as there is flying a passenger jet in and out of a leisure airport. Arguably, the crane operator can kill just as many people with a single error, and he doesn't have an autopilot back up.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?

For now just love her. Don’t push her to talk about it until she’s ready.
Don’t mention uni or alternatives. Just love her and let her know that you are there if she wants to talk.
University isn’t for everyone. Maybe it’s not the right path for your dd. Maybe it’s the wrong time. It’s okay. Be careful not to drive her away by trying to fix it.

I have been that kid. Right now she is deeply ashamed and also a bit relieved that she has to stop lying. She needs to know that you love her. She is uncomfortable and worried about what you will say about her to wider family and friends. She also really needs a sense of purpose and a chance to feel she is redeeming herself. Any job would help. Even volunteering in a charity shop. Making a commitment and sticking to it will help a bit. Tell her you are not ashamed of her.

What is strange about an expression that basically says I’m going to say what we all might be thinking. Absolutely nothing strange about it.

Also, it’s an absolute no to sending her back to that university or trying to dig deeper into her academic record. She has clearly been super unhappy there and people don’t suddenly thrive in those circumstances. Why would you want to send her back there? Protect her health. You need to let go and just support and accept. I know loads of successful people without degrees.

No one that I know of in my DD’s circle but I knew a few cases back when I was in uni. Even I changed degrees without telling anyone, I was that scared to disappoint my family.

2 cases ended in the worst way possible, another one eventually owned up to it with her parents and another one lucked out and became a housewife, as far as I know her parents never found out she doesn’t actually have a degree.

I think your best course of action is helping her figure out what she actually wants to do.