Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

I know someone who did this. She dropped out in 1st year, but pretended to still go for all 3 years. Her parents were funding her living expenses and she just had fun. They were so proud of her when she 'graduated' (and told her parents she got a first!).

She then went travelling through Asia and had a few jobs in Australia. She told me once she has the degree on her resume.

We lost touch after a few years, but her parents as far as I know never found out that she doesn't actually have a degree.

Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?

This should not be your first thought, uni is clearly not for her, maybe you, but not her.
Sound alike she was scared to upset you, forget uni, get her better and take the focus away from uni and failure.
Did she not come home at Xmas? if not how miserable for her.

Either there’s a strained relationship where she feels she can’t tell you or…
she has ADHD. Her inconsistency in studying combined with the lying suggest massive executive functioning issues

She may have been afraid of being perceived as a 'failure' by you, so tried to hide it to save face.

It sounds like an academic pathway isn't for her. There is nothing wrong with this.

I would say to look after her mental and physical health as a matter of priority (is there something else going on) and then explore other career options. There are good apprenticeships available where she could have on the job training.

Happened to me and another girl in my dormitory. I dropped out for a year and a half until the fucker had graduated. The other girl went home and transferred to a local Uni where she could live at home.

One in four.

My immediate reaction was well done for ‘rescuing’ her in short order. It could have gone very differently if she had been left on her own. Time to reassure her that no one is angry with her for leaving university?

Sorry, I'm going really off-topic here.

One thing that constantly surprises me is just how wide a range of expertise, knowledge and experience there is on MN.

And what totally diverse bits of information I've picked up along the way.

"How many MNetters understand how many levels of skill are available and certifiable in the welding trade?"

Certainly not me. Just doing a quick bit of googling after reading this, did open my eyes to just how many companies are offering apprenticeships in this area.

YANBU @sittingonabeach, the OP needs to gently ask her DD about her finances in case she’s run up debt.

Uni clearly isn’t right for her at this time. Focus on getting her well and exploring other options.

I was your DD when I went to Uni. I repeated my first year and just couldn’t cope with it so left but didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. My parents only found out when the uni called them 6 months later to do a welfare check.

It was painful at the time and I felt like I’d let everyone down but my parents were great. They made it clear they were upset that I didn’t feel able to tell them but never once pushed me as to why I’d left and waited for me to open up.

Bringing her home and making her feel loved is the most important thing.

I ended up working for top 50 company as a secretary and worked my way up to EA to the global CEO so there are options out there that don’t need a degree.

Now I’m older I’ve left the corporate world and retrained in a different field where I’m also happy. I’m also doing an access course with the OU so I can get back into studying ready to do a degree in a subject I love. The difference is that this time it’s on my terms and not because I feel pressure.

My daughter did this. Then stopped being in contact with us for over a year. Blamed us fir not funding her enough. It broke me. Clever child. Great grades. Reality was she couldn't cope, not with the work but the loneliness, money situ she had made and also she was too young to cope with living alone.

But a rh uni isnt all its cracked up to be and they didn't care for my precious child even though all the literature said they would. Taken years to reconnect and literally broke me.

Given she didn't have the A levels for the subject and failed foundation year twice, I'd says that the chosen subject isn't for her. Possibly university isn't for her either, but there'd no shame in that, it's not for everyone. And it's easy to go just because that's what everyone seems to do now. Or maybe she'll return at a different time - my DH dropped out of his first degree as it wasn't the right time or subject. He got two degrees through the OU 10 years later.

Given the weight loss though, is it possible she has an eating disorder? (although I lose weight when I'm just stressed and used to HATE being asked that).

I'd probably encourage her to get a job and in the meantime take the fresh air/gardening/try new things things route.

Do you think there could be drink and drugs involved? I know no one on mumsnet has ever done drugs but the weight loss and the lying made me think it could be that. I knew a few people who flunked out of uni because of partying too hard. There’s a lot of drugs at uni, and for some people it can get out of hand really quickly and it can be really hard to get help or talk to an adult because so many people are doing it, sometimes you just don’t realise you have a problem until it’s too late.

Maybe not right now, but at some point you should have an open minded conversation with her with the goal of offering help if needed. If it is drugs spare her the lecture and get her help.

It sounds like she was out of her depth. A friend of DS did this, he managed as long as his flatmates were covering his costs, his parents had no idea.

Honestly it’s good that you now know, just give her some breathing space, support her, forget about uni. When she’s ready she should look at temping with a view to getting a full time job.

DS’s friend is in a good job, lovely girlfriend, life back on track. Never finished uni.

D20 went to Uni Sept 2023. ...In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

How has she managed for money, given her loans must have stopped long ago?

D20 went to Uni Sept 2023. ...In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

How has she managed for money, given her loans must have stopped long ago?

We have no idea what's happened or why, or whether OP pressured her daughter to go to uni or not, so probably best not to leap to conclusions.

Hi OP I've had similar. Right now do nothing but focus on her health and wellbeing. Let her know you love her and you want her to be healthy before she considers any next steps. Make it clear you will cover costs of private counsellor and anything her GP may think she needs.

You all need some breathing space and she is in no place to make a good decision. And you really need her next decision to be a good one rather than another poor decision. We all make mistakes and that's ok but she sounds a bit fragile.

Definitely do not speak to the university. It's very clear that this is not her path at the moment. That may change in the future (and I mean years from now, not once she is feeling better).

Then just take things one day at a time. Get her to do things round the house and garden that help you and thank her. If you have animals can she take over their care?

I don’t have experience of this but this is exactly the type of thing I might have done (I didn’t, but I could have IYSWIM).

Don’t try and find out the answers to your many questions, she will answer them eventually but right now she just needs to know that you still love her and that you love her no matter what she does ❤️

My exact thoughts. Reading the OP I wondered what’s driving the DD’s decision to keep persevering with university when it’s clearly not for her but the fact OP still thinks it’s worth contacting the university when she didn’t have the right A Level grades in the first place and then failed foundation year twice is quite telling.

OP I don’t think university is for your DD at this point in time but that’s fine because it really is not the be all and end all. Focus on rebuilding your DD’s confidence and supporting her with whatever she chooses to do next, which could be literally anything. There are so many other options besides struggling through a degree.

University isn't the right path for everyone. I would be concerned why your daughter felt she couldn't tell you she was struggling, and let it get to the point where the university decided to let her go. Let her build herself back up physically, and perhaps help her to decide a plan going forward.

I don't think that's fair, school imo puts most of the pressure on to kids to think University is the be all and end all. I tried to talk my kids into other paths, apprenticeships etc they wouldn't even consider it as apprenticeships were seen as second best.

No its not.

It's a perfectly reasonable question, and one the OPer should also be wondering to.

Oh this takes me back, DS 1 dropped out of Uni in year 2 during Covid. He was at a Uni abroad and didn't come back for the summer, stopped answering messages and I had to fly out to see him during lockdown. He looked awful, I spent a week cleaning his flat, feeding him etc. He had let his passport lapse so didn't come back with me.
Even then he didn't fess up, I eventually found out in October that year when he ran out of money having not received his student grant.
Long story short he was diagnosed with ADHD is now studying to be a paramedic but took years of bar jobs/unemployment/worry to get here. As long as you're there for your DD, give her a soft landing pad to figure herself out I'm sure she will find her path.

A series of stupid decisions was taken by stupid people in stupid governments. Rebadge the colleges and polytechnics as universities. Decree that university be the goal for 50% of school leavers. Then turn the grant system over to the private sector as a loan regime (perhaps they had wealthy friends who wanted a way to funnel generations into debt and owing their companies interest). They managed to flatten the range of educational opportunities to a pancake. They set back the vocational and practical sphere of further education by decades. They took away our choices.

To be blunt, without trying to be unkind, it sounds like you're way too focused on her going to university, which in turn has made her ashamed of not being able to complete it. This in turn, has lead to her not telling you about it, not returning home, not wanting to talk about it now, and potentially also sliding towards an eating disorder. I would focus on building her up physically and mentally, and reassuring her that university isn't the be all and end all. In a couple of weeks when she's ready, you can look at other jobs / careers.

FWIW, I have a degree from a "good" university and a graduate diploma, and have a pretty middle-of-the-road office job that I'm not that bothered about either way. My younger brother, who's highest level of education was a couple of NVQs at the local "last resort" sixth form, out-earns me by quite a bit, and has a job he really loves and that really helps people too.