Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

She might be able to get some kind of exit award/diploma. Worth asking the uni. Poor thing, good she's home. She'll find something else x

Hi @UniversityProblems
Your DD didn't want to disappoint you or admit it wasn't for her. You sound like you're a good parent, so give her support. Tell her it's not for everyone and help her decide what to do. Don't blame or criticise her for what's happened, she's clearly blaming herself already.

I went to uni, but if I was leaving school now, I honestly wouldn't bother. If I had my time over, I didn't have A levels, I'd join an apprenticeship programme, then if I wanted to do a degree, find a degree apprenticeship.

There is so much pressure on our kids to go to uni these days, it's sad. Neither of my kids went to uni, both very bright, but neither wanted to and honestly, I'm glad.

But did she go to uni because she wanted to and she knew what was expected and was willing to put the work in or did dhe go because she felt pressured into it?

No advice but just to say you I think are handling this the best way and she is lucky to have a mum like you who just wants to make sure she is ok. Uni clearly not for her so when she feels up to it I would explore other options with her. She does sound like she may be slightly depressed but hopefully with a change of scenery she’ll get better. I felt depressed in uni didn’t tell anyone how I felt and failed a lot with a lot of resits - it was miserable… ended up finishing my degree but only with a pass rather than honours, I was so disappointed and thought I’d never get a decent job. Went into full time work straight after and absolutely thrived and wished I’d pulled out of uni sooner. Some people just aren’t made for uni x

So sorry to hear this. Its so sad she felt she needed to lie. You sound like a wonderfully supportive parent.

I echo this. Uni isnt for everyone but its really not the end. I got into a uni and had a huge panic attack before going. Dropped out before starting.

I got a data entry job, went to college to study finance and im now a finance director.

Honestly it was the best thing that ever happend to me. Working full time and studying was tough but I found it so much better than the thought of uni. I was relaxed, happy and it worked out extremely well for me.

People learn differently and university just isnt the right environment for some people. It doesnt mean you arent clever - it just means a different way of learning is right for you.

Honestly OP, from what you say she's been struggling academically since A levels. You need to let go of the university route for her and help her find another path in life. It isn't for everyone.

It sounds like she has always breezed through academic work & now it’s harder she perhaps can’t get away with it & is struggling to accept that. She just needs to come home & make a sensible plan. Get a part time job & look for some better jobs while she gets her mojo back. Uni isn’t for everyone & there’s no shame in that. It might be the lack of structure which she struggles with.

OP with all kindness you didn't know she had dropped out of uni. You couldn't possibly know yet if she has an eating disorder then could you? It's common with ND. I hope you are able to talk to her soon and help her in the way she needs to fulfill her full potential, whatever and wherever that may be.

ND students often need a couple of years out before starting uni to grow up a bit. She may just need longer to get to where she needs to be to live independently successfully. Good luck.

This was one of my friends during my time at uni 30 years ago. They didn't hide it from their parents in this way, but in the time the rest of us did our degrees they started 3 courses in 3 years and didn't get anywhere close to finishing more than a semester of any of them. Left the city where we were studying when we all left, obviously without any further qualifications, and worked for a parent for a bit. Thirty years on doing well in life, running a business, no degree required. It happens a lot I am sure.

Aww, bless her, I wonder why she couldn't tell you. I am glad you found out and brought her home. Nothing beats being home when times are tough! Glad she's being hugged and fed :-)

I'd give her a little while to decompress then see if she will open up. No pressure though as I wonder if something happened to taint her uni experience or that she felt like she was letting folk down. Sometimes just uni life isn't for people at all, nothing wrong with that. Then see what she fancies doing going forward.

She may be better working for a few years and perhaps deciding later if wants to go back into education with a career goal in mind and a bit older and wiser. Sometimes they allow 'mature' students in without the grades. I went aged 23, no grades and classed as mature, ha.

What does she really enjoy doing?

I have friend with a daughter in the same boat. She’s working in a hotel and just loving the teamwork and camaraderie.

Going back some years I know someone with few qualifications but a love for animals who joined the rspca.

Too many people go to university, don’t especially like it, come out with a mediocre degree and a huge debt.

Theres a lot of money in trades for women as the new mp for Gorton shows.

but ffs don’t let or worse make her feel she ought to go back.

Get her a therapist. I bet she has an eating disorder. Be very careful and look after yourself

I would just be very supportive as she probably feels embarrassed and I'm sure worried that she let you down. The system appears to have let her down from the start and set her up to fail. She didn't get the marks initially, seemingly by some margin so at that stage other options may have been better suited but I wonder if these institutions chase the money and try to find a way such as via foundation courses. I'm sure she will thrive and be much happier when on a different track such as something vocational or even an apprenticeship. With your support she will come out of this stronger and better able to find her groove. I wish her every future happiness.

I guess not. She was from a small town a few hundred miles from the university town and they were quite elderly/formal. I remember they visited once and she had to show then around 'her' university. We thought it was hilarious.

This was about 25 years ago so would have been easier to cover your tracks then.

I flunked university. Nothing happened.
Just didn’t know how to manage myself.
I’d moved out of home & couldn’t cope.
I partied. Tried again. Failed again…
Do I regret it now? Sure. But it happened.
Went back to college when I was older.

OP this is obviously very shocking and distressing for you. I work in a University so I can tell you the University will not share any details with you without her permission.

What do you mean they "let her go"? Did she fail? Your DD is an adult so the Uni will not be telling parents about this. Her academic options depend on her circumstances. If she hasn't even completed Year 1 of a BA then she probably won't have enough credit for an exit award. She may have been given academic advice before she left.
As pp have said, the bigger issue seems to be why she hasn't told you any of this. I agree with PP, just forget about making plans and try to figure out how to support your DD. Has she been assaulted? Has she developed an eating disorder? Hated uni and didn't want to tell you? Good luck

Did the parents not want to go to her graduation? Want a graduation photo if she managed to persuade them not to go?

not entirely sure if it’s feasible to pull of a non existent graduation. My uni published lists in the paper, so no way you’d get away with it.

Yeah this happened to my friend. She was so bright and it just absolutely side swiped her. M.H dipped and 20 years later she's still not recovered. Never did finish uni.

Suggestion for OP to investigate. Not an assumption.

I work in student services in a University, and while I mainly refer more specialist enquiries onwards, I will say this is so, so common. Happy to try to answer any queries, like if you did want to chat to Uni about returning etc, due to GDPR the student would need to provide written consent first.

But fundamentally as others have said, uni isn’t the answer here. Certainly for now, she just needs to be home and healing. Now is the breather until any kind of POA for the near future is considered.

My DSis successfully completed her first year at university but decided it wasn’t for her. DSis turned 18 during the February of her first year. She signed up to some temp agencies as she didn’t know what she wanted to do after leaving university. One of the companies the temp agency got her a job at (one of the city banks) were looking for permanent staff and she managed to secure one of the permanent jobs. After some time to reset at home would joining a temp agency be an option for your DD? Even if it doesn’t lead to a permanent job it may give your DD some other avenues to pursue.

@BettyBohwhy jump to ND, education isn’t her path in life, doesn’t mean she is ND, big assumption.